UnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore
16 September 2013
At a crummy press conference in New York City sit forty of America's less than mediocre journalists who are hurriedly checking emails, tapping pens, masturbating in the shadows and unrealistically wondering if this story could be the one that will launch them into stardom. Also seated is 33-year-old Daniel Bradstock, a former Triple-A baseball player who is now one of the world's leading experts on Thursday. As he raised his hand, all the chatter in the room stopped and Bradstock announced his astonishing findings.
"As many of you may know, my team and I have monitored Thursday's behavior, demeanor and attitude for nearly seven years now. The research has taken it's toll on all of us - "God bless Lofty's soul" - but it has given us a great deal of answers to questions that my nine year old son asked me when he was playing poker online."
"One of the more interesting things we found was that Thursday engaged in loads more sexual activity than any of the other days. She was selling her body for sex, mainly to Friday for barely more than a shared horoscope. Not only did she go at it with days, but also months; January, March, May, July, August, October, and December all got together and screwed her so hard that they almost blew a hole in the Space–Time Continuum."
Hank Ranger, a reporter from Ohio eagerly asked: "Did they record it? I'm sure a sex tape with days and months involved would get me a Pulitzer Prize! Ha, Jim Green will never let his wife shit in my yard again, I'll be king of St. Bernard!" My days of loathing and hate will be gone, and I shall bask in the sunlight of a new age!"
"No, Mr. Ranger they did not tape it," said Dr. Bradstock coolly. "That would be quite unusual. Now, moving on, Thursday is getting such sexual urges that only yesterday she had a lesbian threesome with Monday and 1994. If it gets any worse the whole universe could be torn apart by Thursdays desire to pleasure herself. So if Thursday doesn't find a vibrator, or some sex toy by tomorrow, we'll all be dead."
Bradstock walked off, leaving the reporters in a stunned silence. A moment passed, and then Hank Ranger dug through his bag and pulled out a dark, glossy object. In the palm of his hand he held a 13 inch mahogany dildo. "Will this do?!" he squealed to Bradstock's back.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|