Attention whore
| Attention whore | |
|---|---|
 The typical attention whore in its native habitat | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Domain | Eukaryota |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Primates |
| Family | Hominidae |
| Genus | Homo |
| Species | H. agnitio agnitius |
The attention whore (homo agnitio agnitius) is a carnivorous subspecies of human whose original habitat included Acapulco, Miami, Panama City, Dublin, and before its demise Houston. They have since been spread throughout the known universe with the help of the Borg, who use them to aid with their mad assimilation skillz by distracting all the assimilatees and feasting upon those less-suited to be assimilated. Attention whores are extremely deadly and can strike without a moment's notice.
Anatomy[edit | edit source]
Attention whores resemble slightly higher than average humans at a distance, though they tend to dress in clothes that accentuate their bodies to a greater level and usually are more attractive than the typical average human. Up close, however, attention whores can be seen to be in the possession of retractable claws, a second row of special teeth used for grinding the marrow from bones, and vertical pupils. Attention whores may have different colored pelts; these pelts are collected by big game hunters, who sell them to third-world sweatshops to make dreadsacks and welcome mats. The most valued pelt color is red, while the pelt worth the least amount of money is puce, though tartan occasionally edges it out through market fluctuation. The musk of an attention whore has been likened to cheap perfume or Axe. They have a strong belief that this thick odor can help attract people and animals of all kinds. Beware ! you may never know when one might attack !
Behavior and habitat[edit | edit source]
Attention whores are exceedingly social creatures that have a symbiotic relationship with homo sapiens; without the latter, attention whores waste away and become only vaguely humanoid creatures comprised of little more than skin, bone, and scraggly hair. Attention whores are most active from sunset to sunrise; this span of time allows them to infiltrate the habitat of their favorite prey, frat boys. When an attention whore encounters a likely meal, it assumes a provocative position to gain the human's recognition and to distract it from a forthcoming death. If successful, the attention whore advances on its mesmerized prey and begins eating it alive. It is believed that many attention whore-related deaths are attributed to grue, since attention whores leave little of their victims behind and prefer to strike from the cover of darkness.
When not prowling for prey, attention whores congregate in vast groups (called sororities) and practice their wily charms for the next night's hunt. Attention whores are most active in the summer months, though some subspecies (see below) have adapted to fill different niches. A number of attention whores are cultivated in sanctuaries, where they are regularly culled for their hides and to prevent the population from growing out of control.
Mating habits and maturation[edit | edit source]
Once each year, attention whores enter into a receptive phase during which they will have sex with almost anything that moves, including couches, robots,Stephen Hawking, or F O N E M A. After violently copulating with the unfortunate male (since he gets eaten during courtship) and receiving his seed, the attention whore withdraws into solitary existence for 7 torturous months, during which she sees not a single living being. After giving birth to two to six young, she ravenously consumes her placenta and leaves her young to fend for themselves. They immediately fall into consuming each other until there is only one. This survivor, made strong through the flesh of her siblings, subsists on a diet of small mammals and birds until she reaches 13 years of age, at which point she develops to the point of being able to hunt human prey. Attention whore numbers are dwindling in the wild, but enough are being raised in captivity to maintain the viability of the species.
Subspecies[edit | edit source]
Many attention whore subspecies have evolved to take advantage of specific openings in the ecosystem. However, new subspecies may be constantly arising as their prey becomes ever more elusive. They each attract prey in a different manner than the core species. Another difference that has baffled scientists is the existence of males of each of these varieties of attention whore. Scientists, however, remain convinced that these are not examples of a true or typical attention whore.
- Leftist Upstarts (homo agnitio manus manus): This type of attention whore rails against the establishment - provided the establishment is not currently controlled by the left - in order to seduce prey. Its favored prey is the hippie, and most attention whores of this variety require more food than those of other subspecies.
- Rightist Downstops (homo agnitio miserius): This type of attention whore rails against the leftist establishment and in support of war. While rightist downstops prefer to consume illegal immigrants, they are not above eating corpses in a pinch.
- Emo kids (homo agnitio taglius): Emo kids engage in self-mutilation to draw prey. Because emo kids are always bleeding from at least nine self-inflicted wounds, the scent of blood surrounds them. Emo kids' favored prey are other attention whores drawn to the smell of slaughter. Although no one knows the exact cause of why the emos cut, the common consensus is that they want everyone to know they cut, as to get attention from their parents, and teachers. Emo kids are famous for their crying which is also believed to be an evolutionary adaption to get the attention they need.
- Goths (homo agnitio truccius): Goths don't really do much of anything. They just mope around and occasionally suck the blood from medium-sized dry goods. Goths, though found worldwide, migrate in search of prey more than do other attention whores, usually focusing on Spanish-speaking countries for sustenance.
- Punkers (homo agnitio catenus): The only attention whore subspecies to use tools in the hunt, punkers lash out at prey with wallets attached to chains, hoping to bludgeon it to death. Once the prey has been rendered into a semiliquid paste, punkers absorb the unfortunate target through a number of holes punched through their flesh. Most of these holes are located in the ears, nose, or eyebrow, though holes elsewhere on the body are not unknown. Leaders of punker groups are known as Prince Albert.
- Barsexuals (homo agnitio fakus): A woman who pretends to be bisexual by kissing and rubbing other women, but only in public. This is done in highly populated areas such as clubs and bars where there are a lot of men so to serve as an audience for the woman or women (depending on who is whoring themselves for the attention). This is also done as an attempt to excite men for their attention and approval.
- Former Rap Stars (homo agnitio cant actus or singus): Most Notably Sean Puffy Combs, Kanye West, and DMX- These two get upset anytime their attention meter goes below 99.99990% "Hey pay attention to me Im crossing over to acting where I will inevitably will suck at it" Stick to Rapping at least SOMEONE is paying for you to do whatever talent you posess.
- Tebows (homo agnitio bibleversus): There is only one known member of the Tebow subspecies (Tim Tebow.) The Tebow subspecies can often be found being filmed practicing medicine(especially surgeries) on children in 3rd world countries without a license (and then doing an interviews on how great of person because he of it,) bragging about being a virgin, being in Super Bowl ads concerning about why it is so great that he is alive, wearing bible quotes in his eye liner during football games, and his most common activity, crying at every opportunity possible to redirect attention to himself(some scientists believe that the Tebow subspecies may actually just be a single mutated emo kid subspecies instead one of his own do to this activity.)