Vlad the Impala
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“I know him. Doesn't he guard a candelabrum or something?”
“They don't like it up 'em!”
Vlad the Impala is best known in impala history as the inspiration for the Dracula tales of nearby Transylvania. Vlad ruled Wallachia in southern Romania with a cast-iron pot and a cast-iron fist. Neither of these were enchanted, but Vlad's strength was so great that he was able to bypass the damage resistance of his enemies, even Chuck Norris. Bram Stoker, after seeing Vlad defeat Chuck Norris, wrote Dracula, after which he was impaled.
Life of Vlad the Impala[edit | edit source]
Life during the Crusades[edit | edit source]
"Your local Christian crusader" bumper stickers could often be found in areas that Vlad was often seen in, warning Muslims that they and their horses were Vlad the Impala's favorite target. At one point, someone actually tried to put a bumper sticker on Vlad. The person involved was later found dead with a hole in their chest.
Vlad the Impala could often be found covered with the blood of infidels and traitors; one tale tells of Vlad leading beggars into the drive-throughs in search of free food and then, as "they sought to eat the people's food for nothing and could not repay," sentencing them to a fiery death trapped between Vlad and an exploding Ford Pinto.
Countless of other tales of Vlad's wickedness, written over the ages, are recounted in the records of Romanian auto insurance companies. His cruelty even went so far as to appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
"Is it a wonder that we were a conquering race, that we were proud; that when the Mazda, the Lexus, the Audi, the BMW or the Toyota drove in thousands to our frontiers we drove them back?...To us, for centuries, was trusted the guarding of the frontier of Turkeyland for large GM vehicles; aye, and more than that, endless duty of the frontier guard. We avenge the misdeeds of my ancestors who sold their vehicles to the Turk and brought the shame of slavery on them!"
Contrary to popular belief, Vlad does not appear in Hellsing.
Vlad the Impala is also famous for the most recent renovation of the University Politehnica of Bucharest in 1400 AD.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Nobel Peace Prize
- Dracula
- Car manufacturers
- Impala
- Wikipedia:Vlad III Dracula
- King Jeremy the Wicked
