HowTo:Be a model Bucharest citizen (Cum sa devii bucurestean)

This page can be used as a dictionary.

You can learn useful Romanian phrases by comparing the two versions of the article. It's just like the Rosetta Stone!

This article was written in Romanian in original, but because it's damn funny I will try to translate it, since I'm not sure I'll do such a good job I will do a parallel translation. I changed some parts of it in order to be more funny. Also I fucked up the grammar so right now it is a mockery of the English language. Good

(another poster) I speak English as my first language; I have enough understanding of Romanian to further translate this into English that sounds like an English speaker wrote it. Also, it needs to be funnier, so I'm just going to edit the fuck out of it to make it sound like an Uncyclopedia article.

English

The car

If you have a car, you must learn how to drive like a Bucharester. The moment you get into your car, forget everything you ever learnt at driving school (if you wasted your time doing it). Only losers drive by the book.

In practice, the rules change as follows:

Stopping and Parking

You can stop wherever you want and stay there as long as you want, if and only if:

• there is no cop around
  
• to turn your distress lights on, but only if you want to.
  

When you decide to stop in a bus station, it is very important to park right on the sidewalk so you don't cause any inconvenience to the bus (they are bigger), only to the waiting passengers.

When you park there are a few rules you must heed:

• If there is a free parking spot without any charge right in front of the place where you want to go, use it otherwise go to step 2
  
• If there is a free parking spot for a charge, ignore it and go to step 3
  
• If there is no parking spot or step 2 is applicable, park on the sidewalk. Be careful to park so that the walkers have to get off the sidewalk and onto the road or they have to suck in those bellies when they want to pass. If you cannot park on the sidewalk, go to step 4.
  
• If there is a free spot next to the sidewalk park as far from the sidewalk as possible. If applicable, try to park at a 90 degree angle so that passing cars have to get in the other lane if they want to avoid you. It is also advisable to park close to the street corner. If you cannot do that go to step 5.
  
• Park parallel to the cars already parked next to the sidewalk.
  
• If none of the above is applicable, park anywhere. In front of a garage, next to a water hydrant or a fire line. Put on your alarm and make sure to switch the hand brake on. It is really fun to set your alarm so it howls when anybody walks past it. It is even more fun if the neighbourhood is a quiet one and you don't stop the alarm for at least 15 minutes.
  

Priority

In Bucharest there are a couple of different priorities.

• Right priority (optional)- only if you are coming from the right
  
• Tram priority
  
• Truck priority
  
• Taxi priority
  
• "Cool" priority-this can only be obtained by doing the following: "go on"; "fuck the others"; "I'm not going to stay here all day."
  

Pedestrians never have any priority, ever!

If while you're driving you see a woman, stick your head out of the car and yell "Hey this doesn't fuck, it runs you over" She will probably realise she was making a mistake and apologise while all your friends will think you're so cool.

On public roads

If you want to be a "real" Bucharester, you must heed the following rules regarding public roads:

• The meaning of the stop sign:
  
  • Green-Go GOOOOO!
    
  • Yellow-Quick before it turns red! GOOO!
    
  • Red-Last chance before the others start their engines!
    

If there is a line at the stop sign, just go on the other lane and once in front take the lead position. this is a good use for the cool priority.

If you're at a stop sing the very second the light isn't red anymore just press the horn as hard as you can. The ones in front of you may be asleep or blind and he will certainly appreciate your effort.

If you're the first car at a stop sign and somebody honks behind you. Stop the car, get your baseball bat(or any hard object in the car) and go break his face.

At night always use all the lights possible. You can use the lights even during day time if you're really fast. Blinding other drivers is sooo much fun.

If at night some jerk blinds you with their lights just return the favour. A few short flashes are fun for the whole family. Besides, the after effects are sooo coool.

The maximum speed on public roads is given by the following equation: Your coolness (Co), The car coolness(CRCo), the square of the place where you're driving(Pl grows exponately out of town), the maximum speed(Ms) and the number of cars in traffic(No) S=Co*CrCo*Pl^2*Ms*No(for our math friends).
If in front of you there is a slower car just honk like crazy and blind him with your lights: go home if you don't have a car and drive like a fucking dead man. Don't be afraid to use the horn as long and powerful as you feel the urge. In extreme cases show him the middle finger, first the left one, then the right one, then both(use your knees to drive)

If you cannot swear you're not a driver. If you cannot swear for 20 minutes without repetition, you're not a driver in Bucharest.

A fun thing to do while it's raining is to drive through puddles with maximum speed and splash the poor dogs without a car. You can splash more for quantity or one for quality. You get extra points for pedestrians crossing the road in a legal way.

If you finish your juice/beer just throw the can out the window. It would take up to much of your vital space. The same goes for cigars, snacks or any other garbage you might have. The cleaning fairies will take care of it.

Additional tips.

If you've got a new car, foreign, you must listen to Romanian music with the speakers on maximum and car windows open so, on one hand everybody can enjoy your new cool CD with Adrian Copilul Minune (see Romanian heroes) and Blondy and on the other hand you can prove you're Romanian and brag about it.

If the car is Romanian (e.g. a Dacia), decorate it with kitschy stuff, soccer flags, pictures of naked women etc.(the crappier the better, this way nobody will try to steal it). A CD on the rear view mirror is the ultra-major cool thing(babes will just attack you), but a big pair of fluffy dice will work.

When walking on the street ignore all trash bins. The government should clean up after us, that's why we pay them. So no problem, just throw that cigar, empty can, ice-cream cone or bus ticket (if you're one of the losers who buy one).

Take a handful of sun-flower seeds(just gotta love seeds) and eat them anywhere you go. Spitting the bad ones is an art and Bucharesters have perfected it. You can even bet with your friends and have little contests. You can measure length, precision, courage(when spitting on others) and so on.

If you don't have seeds (strange but possible), just spit. Don't forget to take it deep from within.
Everybody wants to see how much of your stomach you can bring out in one blow. It also impresses the dames.
If the nature calls you needn't bother go to a public WC(there aren't any anyway), just let it go in a park, on a lonely alley, on a car door. If you care about the environment you can even use a tree or a bush. But the best place is on the stairs of a block house. In the private confined space you can even take care of more serious business and somebody is bound to clean it us so you can re-use it. Th perfect place for your needs.
When you walk your dog, convince him to whiz on the neighbour's door and take a poo next to his window. If you live in a block house convince him to do it on the car of the most annoying neighbour, the one above you that flooded you last summer.
If your neighbour's pet poops on your car just flood him next summer. Pet's need lots of baths

If you walk and you see a car parked on the sidewalk(see above) squeeze between it and the wall and just gently apply your key to the new paint job.If you just want to let him know you liked the idea rip or bend his mirrors. Mercedes logos also make good collectors items.
The street can be crossed anywhere, anyhow. Just close your eyes and trust God!
On public roads you as a pedestrian always have the priority because those with cars can get anywhere faster anyway.
If you're a woman you can delight the male drivers by mimicking running when crossing the road. For this just make a few jumpy steps towards your direction. That always makes the sidewalk come closer. If you're a teenager, a very fun thing to do is going on the road with your "pack". You can entertain oneself with such wonderful sports like: breaking trash bins, destroying public property, whistling after women and beating up the losers. For a definition of the looser term just listen to manele until you get it.

This article was originally published in 2001, by Sictir.org Sictir.org under the Creative Commons License, and it is part of the trilogy:

How to become a Bucharestian, Practical Tips I,

How to become a Bucharestian, Practical Tips II and

How to become a Bucharestian, Practical Tips III.

For more articles of the same kind please visit our website.

This be where you enter international waters.

If you don't understant the rest of the article it may be because you don't speak Romanian or something is wrong with your computer.

Romanian

Masina

Daca ai masina, trebuie sa inveti sa o conduci ca un bucurestean. In momentul in care te urci la volan, trebuie sa uiti tot ce ai invatat la scoala de soferi (daca ai facut-o). Numai fraierii conduc ca la carte.

In practica, regulile se modifica dupa cum urmeaza:

Oprirea si stationarea

Poti sa opresti unde vrei si sa stationezi cit vrei, cu conditia sa:

a) nu fie vreun politist prin apropriere

b) sa pui luminile de avarie, daca ai chef. Daca nu ai chef, se tine cont numai de punctul anterior. Atunci cind vrei sa stationezi in dreptul statiilor mijloacelor de transport in comun, pui masina pe trotuar, chiar in statie, in asa fel incit sa nu incomodezi respectivele mijloace de transport ci numai pe calatorii care le asteapta.

Parcarea se executa tinind cont de urmatoarele reguli:

1) Daca exista o parcare fara plata cu locuri libere chiar in fata locului in care vrei sa ajungi, parcheaza acolo. Daca nu, aplica punctul 2.

2) Daca exista o parcare *cu plata* si cu locuri libere chiar in fata locului unde vrei sa intri, ignor-o si aplica punctul 3.

3) Daca nu exista o parcare sau in cazul de la punctul 2, parcheaza masina pe trotuar. Parcarea pe trotuar fa-o in asa fel incit sa se ocupe toata latimea trotuarului si pietonii sa fie nevoiti sa coboare pe partea carosabila sau sa se subtieze ca foaia de hirtie, intre masina si zid. In caz ca dintr-un motiv sau altul, nu poti sa parchezi pe trotuar aplica punctul 4.

4) Daca exista un loc de parcare linga trotuar - parallel cu bordura, opreste, stationeaza si/sau parcheaza cit mai departe de bordura, daca se poate, perpendicular pe axul bordurii, in asa fel incit masinile care circula pe partea carosabila sa aiba prilejul sa iti ocoloeasca masina intrind pe contrasens. Este de preferat sa parchezi cit mai aproape de coltul strazii. In cazul in care nu mai e loc linga bordura, aplica punctul 5

5) Parcheaza in parallel cu masinile deja parcate linga bordura.

6) In cazul in care nu te afli in nici una din descrise anterior, parcheaza in fata intrarii intr-un garaj, linga un stilp cu oprirea interzisa sau oriunde altundeva. Dupa ce parchezi, trage frina de mina si pune alarma. Regleaza-ti alarma in asa fel incit sa urle la trecerea oricarui pieton pe linga masina. Sirena va trebui sa sune nu mai putin de 15 minute. Efectul este mai distractiv daca te afli intr-o zona rezidentiala mai linistita.

Prioritatea

1. In Bucuresti exista urmatoarele tipuri de prioritate:

a) prioritatea de dreapta (optionala) - se aplica numai in cazul in care tu esti cel care vine din dreapta

b) prioritate de tramvai

c) prioritate de camion

d) prioritate de taxi

e) prioritate de smecher. Prioritatea de smecher se obtine prin unul din procedeele "ia-i fata", "baga-te cu tupeu", "taie-i calea" si "ia mai da-l dracu', ca n-o sa stau aici toata ziua". Pietonii NU au prioritate niciodata. Daca in timp ce conduci vezi o femeie ca trece strada prin fata ta, scoate capul pe geam si urla: "faaaaaaa, asta calca, nu f***!". Tipa isi va da seama de greseala si iti va multumi ca ai facut-o atenta iar colegii tai de drum vor crede ca esti spiritual si amuzant.

f) prioritate de dacie. Daca vezi pe vrunu cu fabuloasa dacie rosie...ai face bine sa iti iei tamburii de pe carosabil si sa te teleportezi la cateva blocuri distanta(mereu astia trag frana de mana si pun frane aiurea...etc.)

g)prioritate de ot, pl, tg, GR etc. Daca esti un bucurestean veritabil nu vei lasa niciodat sa iti taie calea unul dincategoria enuntata sau macar sa te depaseasca.In caz contrar se recomanda un claxon puternic, o oprire fortata a taranului si apoi indoirea oglinzilor si farurilor ca altadata cand mai vin in Bucuresti sa se mai gandeasca ....

Pe drumurile publice

Daca vrei sa fii un bucurestean veritabil trebuie sa tii cont de urmatoarele recomandari privind circulatia pe drumurile publice:

- Semnificatia culorilor semaforului: verde - treci fara probleme, galben: repede ca se pune rosu, rosu: repede, ca e ultima sansa pina sa le dea drumul celorlalti.

- Daca este coada la stop si un sir lung de masini, iti recomanda tehnica "sirului shuntat". In acest scop, mergi pe contrasens pe toata lungimea cozii de masini, pina ajungi la stop si apoi in virtutea prioritatii de smecher (vezi si punctul anterior) reintri in coloana, pe pole position.

- Daca te afli pe pole position la stop, in secunda in care apare culoarea verde, trebuie sa apesi pe claxon, cit mai lung si mai insistent, pentru a-l zori pe mocaitul din fata. Un claxon viguros este expresia unei personalitati puternice deci, nu ezita!.

- Daca esti prima masina de la stop si cineva te claxoneaza imediat cum se pune verde, opreste motorul, ia-ti bita de baseball (obligatorie, se tine sub scaun), da-te jos din masina, du-te la cel care te-a claxonat si sparge-i fata.

- Pe timp de noapte circula obligatoriu cu faza lunga. Poti folosi faza lunga si ziua, atunci cind mergi cu viteza. Obtii bonus de stil cand folosesti faza lunga pe aleele din zonele rezidentiale si orbesti pietonii prosti care vin de la serviciu cu metroul sau tramvaiul (mama lor de fomisti) sau locatarii de la parter. Nu uita: TU ai masina, ei nu (mama lor de nenorociti).

- Daca circuli noaptea si o masina vine din fata cu faza lunga, baga-i si tu faza lunga in fata, de citeva ori, intermitent. Farurile cu halogen dau efecte atat distractive cat si psihedelice.

- Viteza maxima pe drumurile publice este data de o relatie direct proportionala cu urmatorii factori: muschii tai (Mt), marca masinii (Mm), patratul locului prin care circuli (L, cu atat mai mare cu cat mergi prin comune), puterea masinii pe care o conduci (P) si numarul de masini (Nm) aflate in traffic v=Mt*Mm*L^2*P*Nm, pentru prietenii nostri fizicieni). Daca inaintea ta se afla cineva cu o masina care merge mai incet claxoneaza-l si baga-i faza lunga in ochi: sa se duca dracului acasa daca nu are masina si merge ca mortu'. Folositi claxonul cit mai mult, mai nervos si in mai multe tonalitati. Injura cu sete. Arata-i degetul mijlociu. Intai mana stanga, apoi ambele - in Bucuresti se poate conduce tinand volanul cu genunchii.

- Daca nu stii sa injuri, nu esti sofer. Daca nu stii sa injuri 20 de minute in sir fara sa te repeti, nu esti sofer bucurestean.

- Cind ploua, va puteti face ziua mai vesela trecind in viteza cu masina prin baltoace in asa fel incit sa improscati cit mai multi pietoni, sau unul dar bine. Daca improscati pietoni aflati in travesare regulamentara pe zebra, obtineti un bonus de stil.

- Dupa ce goliti sticla de suc, aruncati-o pe fereastra pentru ca ocupa prea mult loc in masina. Acelasi lucru este valabil si pentru mucurile de tigari, PET-uri sau sticlele de Gambrinus.

Alte sfaturi

Daca aveti masina noua, straina, trebuie sa asculati muzica romaneasca dind boxele la maxim si deschizind ferestrele masinii, in asa fel incit, pe de o parte sa poata asculta si ceilalti CD-ul dvs. cu Adrian Copiulul Minune si Blondy, iar pe de alta parte sa va puteti da mare. Daca masina este romaneasca, decorati-o pe dinauntru cu mileuri, franjuri, fanioane de fotbal, carnetele cu coperti cu femei etc. Un CD atirnat de oglinda retrovizoare este culmea rafinamentului. Daca nu va permiteti CD-uri, o pereche de zaruri mari da la fel de bine.

Sfaturi pentru pietoni

- Cind mergi pe strada ignora toate cosurile de gunoi. E treaba primariei sa mature pe jos, si cum aia tot stau degeaba, nu e cazul sa iti faci probleme sa arunci pe jos tigara, sticla goala de cola, inghetata, sau macar biletul de autobuz (daca esti atat de fraier incat sa-ti cumperi).

- Ia-ti un pumn de seminte (bucurestenii adora semintele) si maninca-le pe strada sau in parc. Scuipatul cojilor este o arta. O coaja de saminta poate fi scuipata alene, in sictir, sau cu putere, dinamic. Poti sa iti cooptezi prietenii si sa faceti concursuri si campionate de scuipat coji de seminte: proba de departare, de precizie, de risc (scuipat coji de seminte pe altii) etc. Daca nu ai seminte (se mai intimpla), poti sa scuipi pur si simplu. Nu uita sa horcaiesti inainte.

- Intrucit in Bucuresti nu prea sint WC-uri publice, iar alea care sint, sint pe bani, poti sa te usurezi in orice gang, pe usa unei masini (vezi si Parcare, punctul 3), pe un gard de santier. Darca ai convingeri ecologice poti sa iti dai drumul pe un copac sau in parc dupa niste boscheti. Totusi, nici un loc nu e mai placut si mai confortabil ca o scara de bloc (un spatiu ideal pentru satisfacerea presantelor tale necesitati fiziologice) sau macar sub geamurile locatarilor de la parter, acestia vor aprecia enorm gestul si va vor astepta data viitoare cu o prajitura, o maslina, o mica atentie.

- Atunci cind iti scoti ciinele la plimbare, convinge-l sa faca pipilica pe usa vecinului si cacalica in fata ferestrei lui, pe trotuar. Daca stai intr-un cartier cu blocuri, convinge-l sa faca pe masina celui de deasupra, care te-a inundat asta vara. Deasemenea, daca se intampla sa faca treaba mare in parc, unde perinda copii mici si tineri de liceu (mama lor de nesimtiti, ne fac tara de ras) nu curata sub nici o forma, mai mai de-o calca vreunu in cacatul cainelui tau.

- Daca mergi si vezi in fata ta o masina parcata pe trotuar (vezi situatia de la Parcare, punctul 3) treci printre ea si zid si plimba-ti cheia pe toata lungimea ei. Daca vrei doar sa il atentionez politicos pe proprietar, rupe-i, sau macar strimba-i oglinda de pe partea ta.

- Strada se traverseaza oricum si oriunde, totul e sa tii ochii inchisi.

- Pe drumurile publice tu ai intotdeauna prioritate, ca aia cu masina ajung oricum mai repede unde au nevoie.

- Daca esti femeie poti face un gest de curtoazie atunci cind treci strada prin mijlocul traficului si sa schitezi alergatul. In acest scop, fa citiva pasi saltareti in directia de mers.

- Daca esti licean, unul dintre cele mai amuzante sporturi este mersul in grup cu prietenii pe strada. Puteti practica astfel sporturi ca: rasturnatul cosurilor de gunoi, degajatul burlanelor, fluieratul dupa femei si caftitul fraierilor. Pentru o definitie a notiunii de fraier consulta versurile trupelor de Manele.

Acest articol a fost publicat la origine, in 2001, pe site-ul Sictir.org, sub licenta Creative Commons License, si face parte dintr-o trilogie de articole:

Cum sa devii bucurestean - sfaturi practice I - despre Moda, Celular si Mijloacele de Transport in Comun,

Cum sa devii bucurestean - sfaturi practice II - despre Masina, Oprire si Stationare, Parcare, Prioritate, Circulatia pe drumurile publice, Alte sfaturi pentru conducatorii auto si Sfaturi pentru pietoni,

Cum sa devii bucurestean - sfaturi practice III - Sfaturi de sarbatori.

Pentru mai multe articole de acelasi fel, vizitati pagina noastra de web.