Bentley
| It Gives You Spurs (Bentley Beyadegabago) | |
|---|---|
 The pride and joy of the wannabe ballers | |
| Manufacturers | Damn Brits |
| Production | China undoubtedly, have you seen the quality? |
| Disassembly | spontaneous |
| Engine | Wildly large yet very quiet |
| Fuel | a LOT |
| Braking distance | oh BRAKING i thought you meant breaking and i was gonna say immediately |
| Suspension | unknown if there is any |
| Known enemies | Any Dodge vehicle, gangbangers with bling, non-brits |
| Favourite food | Whatever is in your wallet (mmmm yummers!) |
Bentley, full name Bentley Motors Limited, is a British designer and "builder" of land frigates that cater to the elite, and oftentimes the very poor who wish to look like the elite. Founded in 1919 by Wibberly Orglaf Bentleyson in London, they claim to be most well known for their Le Mans victories a thousand years ago, but in modern times are just another poorly pruned branch off of the Audi limb, which hangs haphazardly off the Volkswagen AG tree. That's right, its just a re-badged Volkswagen they ask $100,000 for. Their most famous models include the Speed Sex, the R Type, the Continental GiT, the Flying Spurm, and the Bentayagawiggadago. Their top 3 market targets are China, up and coming wannabe dictators, and American hood "ballers." They are manufactured in Dresden, Germany, meaning they will have all the glorious problems of a German car along with the beautiful, spotless, timeless reputation and reliability of being a British car. They were originally produced in Crewes, England, but for some reason they aren't anymore. Maybe assembled there still, I don't know and I don't care.
Production[edit | edit source]
Originally drawn up as a sort of prototype luxurious land-based battleship for the high ranking officers to use during battles, its builders soon realized the potential value it might hold for civilians, or to be truthful, the gangsters. There was also great interest in these land yachts from racers, all of who thought it would be funny to take these earth crawling machines and "race" them around in a circle. Somehow, possibly due to the lack of other vehicles at the time, they were considered very fast and won a lot of races. Partially due to physically crushing the competition with their 40" rims, and partially due to there being no real competition to speak of. Production was going well, but thanks to the gambling addiction of a certain Woolf Barnato, chiefest of the "Bentley Bois Racing Team," who had come into ownership of the company due to daddy's money, Bentley couldn't pay for some mortgage for a shed and went into receivership, right before being gobbled up by none other than the premiere luxury tank developer at the time: Rolls Royce. Rolls wanted to turn Bentley into a plant that would create more airplane engines for them, as they didn't want the Bentley's to compete with their own earthbound battleships and would prefer to watch them zip through the sky instead. Sadly, these airplane engines were complete ass and caused Rolls Royce to go belly-up in the kiddy pool in front of the hot lifeguard, and Rolls Royce + Bentley ended up being bought off by Snickers, or Vickers, or something, and kept on as "Rolls Royce PLC (Peoples Liberation Company)." After some years of it not doing so well and making a whole lot of super goofy looking cars nobody remembers or ever wanted, they were THEN absolutely stuffed down the trousers of Volkswagen in a wallet-shattering $800 million deal in 1998 after a battle with BMW over ownership. "Ve vill make ze, ze ehhhltimate driving machine, yes, yes truly!" After a lot of back and forth about titles and designs and other dumb random stuff, BMW and VW finally agreed that "there was a solution in which both our dicks get sucked." In British, this meant that VW got all the rights to Bentley and BMW got nothing. Bentley then set about modernizing the OG Bentley factory located in Crewes, England. There were a lot of ups and downs in the 20s, with sales rising and falling, finally ending with the worst and dumbest decision of all time: all Bentley's will be electric by 2030! Well, based on the recent reception and failure of every single EV on the market, this will surely end well.
Popular Models[edit | edit source]
Car models in current production [edit | edit source]
- 2016–present: Bentayagiswagiyoga - The TikTok/Instagram "influencer" special, this SUV Bentley is commonly found PITted on the highway, wrapped in neon green, wrapped around a palm tree, or on fire at a petrol station.
- 2024–present: Continental GiT (Gen 4) - The one nobody gets because the others are "cooler."
- 2019–present: Flying Spurm (Gen 3) - No one gets it except the old fart people who drive it to their AA meetings and then to the local 711 or Tesco to get some smokes and cheap vodka before returning home to their cheating spouse.
Car models formerly in production[edit | edit source]
- 1998–2009: Arnage - Sounds like "carnage" and that's basically what happened when they were released.
- 2003–2011: Continental GiT - Easily found on dealer lots and on Facebook Marketplace for $20k or less, this early-gen car is quickly snapped up by the poor ganstaz who wish to look rich to attract women, just before discovering it still costs $500 for an oil change on a 20 year old car, it breaks down every 10-12 feet, and is cheaper than a new Corolla which automatically removes the flexing capability.
- 2005–2013: Continental Flying Spurm (Gen 1)
- 2006–2009: "Azz"-ure (Gen 2) - Literally ass, nobody has these, very undesirable.
- 2008–2011: Bentley Brooklands (Gen 2)
- 2010–2020: Mulsanne
- 2011–2018: Continental GiT (Gen 2)
- 2013–2019: Flying Spurm (Gen 2)
- 2018–2024: Continental GiT (Gen 3) - The one that looks exactly like the newer gen one, but is faster, stronger, and more reliable in every way.
Special edition car models[edit | edit source]
- 1999: Hunnert Concept - Targeted at the "rich" gangsters in the hoods, it was quickly labeled a flop as the gangstas proved to actually be nothing more than broke idiots and their "bling" was just chrome spray painted plastic jewelry, and they couldn't afford a $200,000 car let alone a $2,000 car without going into lifelong indentured servitude to the various large banks of America for a 29% APR Loan for 144 months.
- 2002: State Limousine - Lasted about a day before it was stripped of its wheels and interior parts by looters, only one was made.
Typical Buyer[edit | edit source]
Rich Geezer[edit | edit source]
The rich geezer is nearing 80. He has a very boring life after retiring as the CEO of a local bank, and he wants nothing more than to return to the days when he was 20, driving around in his sports car, banging hoes, blasting rock, and guzzling beer. One boring summer day on his cellular device, he gets an email that stirs him awake in his rocking chair. "Gah, who-what-how... oh, a new whatsit-forsaken idjit hold on, let me get my glasses," he says. Opening the email app his son downloaded for him, he is greeted with an email in all caps: BENTLEY: YOUR DREAM CAR AWAITS AT PAKITIM PREMIUM MOTORSPORTS! "Could it be?" He wonders. He's had his eye on his neighbor, that old gray fox, surely shes got some play still in her, and he sure wouldn't mind relaxing in HER den! Maybe a nice new sports car is the thing to make her put out. Next thing gramps knows, he's down at the dealership shaking the hand of a grinning slimy-haired middle eastern salesman. "Thank you sir very much, thank you for buying the extended dealer warranty and all the nitrogen for your tires, it's very important, yes!" The old man incoherently mumbles something about his bedtime and stumbles into the car. As he drives down the road, he hits the gas and feels the power of the car course through him. His eyes open wide, feeling his youth return, seconds before colliding with the large pine tree in front of his neighbor's house at 80mph. She stumbles outside with her walker to see what the commotion in her yard is, and finds her similarly aged neighbor halfway through the windshield of what might have once been a car, but is now the world's worst-looking Christmas ornament. "What... up... bitch..." he wheezes, before throwing up a "gang" sign, some blood, and then slumping over, defeated at last.
Broke Baller[edit | edit source]
Jake Smith was born in the 'burbs of Chicago, but in his mind he was from deep in the hoods of Chi-town. Appalled at his own white skin and his white family, he decided to abandon them in the pursuit of becoming what every white kid wanted to be... a wigger. "Fo' sure, my nigga," he tells his toady. "Today is the day I become more than just some street kid. Today, I'm becomin' a baller!" For he had seen in the local newspaper, an ad posted for an old 2004 Bentley Continental GiT, with 76,000 miles, for only $18,000. Naturally, he did not have $18,000 nor even $18, but that was beside the point: the car was cheap, and it was going to be his. Sauntering down the street towards the dealer, he could feel his pants sagging ever lower, and man it felt good to be a wigger. Slamming the door of the dealership wide open, he waddled towards the front desk as fast as his dropped pants would let him go. "My man, my man. Where the shizzle at? Where's my Bentley?" The front desk receptionist stared at him balefully before directing him to a sales associate. "My name is Amir, I'll be helping you with the car purchase today," says the man, literally looking like he'd just escaped a grease trap at the bottom of a sink. Jake slapped $8 on the counter. "Down payment right here my nigga." Amir smiled broadly, "this is good, perfect amount my friend, lets talk financing now!" Jake scratched his butt, then his head, and then his nose. "Shit Ion no about no numbers and shizzle, how about just hook a brother up with some rims and get me cruisin huh?" Amir smiled even more as he directed Jake to sign his life away to the Third Bank of Cheesetown, with the $8 down payment he was looking at a 4,113 month loan with a rate of 67%, paying $1000 monthly. A few minutes later, there he was, cruising down the street in a Bentley, with a smirk plastered on his face as he saw all the local hoes ogling him. This was it, he had done it. He was THE local baller, he was THE wigger! Unfortunately for him, he failed his first payment and the car was repoed after only owning it for a single week. Jake was never quite the same afterwards, and went on to lead a normal white person life.
