Nissan Altima

Nissan Altima
"Piecus De Shittius"
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Carrus
Phylum	Stupidus
Genus	Vehiculos
Species	Altimus
Specifications
Strength	low
Weight	depends on who's in it

The Nissan Altima (stʌpɪd ɪdɪɒt cær), Latin name "stultus vehiculum", is a street dwelling road predator commonly found in the US. Born of an unholy union amongst Nissan, Mitsubishi, Renault, (and possibly Satan too), the Altima was unleashed on the blissful unaware world in 1992. It immediately racked up a kill count of 7 before leaving the assembly line, and another 7 immediately AFTER leaving the factory. All early generation Altimas are summoned from a portal to hell based in Smyrna, Tennessee, but later and more popular models were summoned from the portal opened up in Canton, Mississippi. The headlights, (who are we kidding, the headLIGHT, singular), of an Altima is often the last thing seen by unsuspecting motorists moments before being turned into Jell-o, and it's best to stay as far away from them as possible to prevent injury or shame.

Through Time

First Generation

The first generation was most commonly known as the SS Bluebird, but was neither blue nor related to the German secret service. With a blisteringly powerful 150hp motor, the original Altima was capable of a top speed of 27mph, and a 0-27 in around an hour. "Beats walking" was the slogan used in advertising this piece of metal and asbestos.

Second Generation

The only thing that changed from the first to second generation was the addition of cup holders to the car. This enabled the driver to be able to drink AND drive more effectively than before. No second generation Altima exists any longer as all were inevitably 'married off' in passionate engagements to various trees and telephone poles on back roads at 10pm-2am.

Third Generation

Now we're getting somewhere! While still decently rare on the roads these days, the 3rd generation is when the Altima truly began to show its demonic colors. The engine was finally upgraded to a v6, allowing the driver to perform more feats such as tailgating, speeding, and swerving in and around traffic at high speeds. With a 0-60 in ~9 seconds, it was capable of only slightly losing to a base model Prius in a drag race. The "high performance" variant known as the SE-R was capable of doing a 0-60 in 5.8 seconds which was quite good, but none of these cars ever sold due to costing $250 more than the base model. The typical Altima buyer could not afford such a price jump. Somehow, this car is credited as the savior of Nissan, as it turned the company around and finally made them profitable.

Going where no Altima has gone before...

Fourth Generation

The fourth generation is the one that almost killed you yesterday. Yes, that one. The stupid ugly dirt cheap thing with duct tape hanging off of it, no bumper, scratched paint, hazy yellow lights, no license plate, and pouring smoke out the back. For updates to the car itself, Nissan grudgingly allowed it to have a Bluetooth capability, and a parking camera even! The tradeoff was that they replaced the reasonably nice materials with ultra cheap feeling plastic, perhaps in an attempt to compete with the current generation Corvettes. The glove box was also doubled in size for some reason, possibly to be able to better hold the drugs and weapons the buyers would undoubtedly be taking around with them. In 2009 it got a facelift, which made it slightly uglier, and also made CVT standard (dammit). You will see a crust maroon or silver one with the 2.5S badge slapped on the back regardless of whether or not it IS the 2.5l version of the car. The badge alone adds several horsepower, which is needed to haul the on average extremely obese passenger and driver combo around.

Fifth Generation

Kinda looks like the fourth. Built entirely out of aluminum, this made it 120 pounds lighter than before, and also led critics to call it the "coke bottle car" partially due to its flared fenders and partially due to the bottles of cocaine found in most abandoned ones.

Sixth Generation

Essentially, they took the older car, slapped a crappy touchscreen on it, added some driver assists to help drivers stay distracted, and redid the lights to be what might possibly pass as LED lighting for at least a few weeks before turning piss yellow. Still very cheap to look at or touch, and STILL somehow riding on your bumper in 80mph traffic.

Nissan's Advertising

"Features"

• Front and rear bumper can drop off much like a lizard's tail in order to scare off other road animals (F-150s, BMWs, etc.) NOTE: does NOT grow back EVER!
• Comes equipped with walmart shopping bag based airbags, will only deploy when called a slur three times in a row
• Powerful air conditioning (only) in the winter and even more powerful heating (only) in the summer
• All new Altimas come with a coupon for a brand new spare tire that can permanently replace any of the 4 normal tires
• Spare tire not included, probably because it's already on the car! (How kind of them to preinstall it!)
• Single headlight functionality allows you to pretend to be a motorcyclist, and get free HOV Express lane travel anytime when it's dark out
• Automatic rust deployment functionality allows your vehicle to leave a trail of rust anywhere it goes, meaning it will be easy to find when it gets stolen again
• Water intake system allows all manner of liquids to be taken from the outside to the inside via osmosis and several pre-drilled holes in the car exterior. This makes it easier to clean the strange stains out of the seats
• Easily modifiable steering wheel comes in the perfect size made especially to fit Walmart and Autozone aftermarket fluffy steering wheel covers
• Back seats fold down to allow the driver to fit the legally acquired 100" flatscreen TV

The 2 Altima Buyers

Paul Georges Jr.

Paul just graduated high school and will be attending college in the fall. Paul is broke as shit. Paul wants a car so he can get hoes and get alcohol from the store too. Paul goes to the dealer. The dealer points out a corolla. "Nah," says Paul. The dealer points out a Prius. "Nahh," says Paul. The dealer sticks his finger in his nose for a while, and the points to the pile of rust in the back. "Yeahhh," says Paul. Underneath the pile of rust is a 2009 Nissan Altima, complete with rusted out sub frame, broken headlights, and no license plate bracket! "The fleas are complimentary" says the dealer as Paul drives off the lot.

There needs to be laws about this

Credit score: 570

Shanequa Dankwillius III

Shanequa jus gradyumicated from the hair technician school, ya hear? This queen needs a RIDE, and it aint gonna be no Darius because shit, his MEAT is SMALL, Ion wanna ride no Darius small meat. Now that car my neighbor got, that's a car if i ever seed one myself. A queens gotta roll ya feel me? Anyhoo that dumb ass be leavin his keys around, jus like that! Free car, i ain't never said no to no free car! Now that shit MINE an i tell al my girlfrens, like byitch y'all hoes WISH you had something like this, ya see the rims? Yes ma'am, this car is FUH ME! Fuck you Darius!

Credit score: 410

See Also

• How to submit an insurance claim after getting rear-ended by an Altima
• How to submit an insurance claim after getting front-ended by an Altima
• How to submit an insurance claim after getting hit by an Altima
• How to submit an insurance claim after seeing an Altima