Nissan Altima
| Nissan Altima | |
|---|---|
 Piecus De Shittius | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Carrus |
| Phylum | Stupidus |
| Genus | Vehiculos |
| Species | Altimus |
| Specifications | |
| Strength | low |
| Weight | depends who's in it |
“License and pigmentation”
– GSP on pulling over your Altima
The Nissan Altima (stʌpɪd ɪdɪɒt cær), Latin name "stultus vehiculum", is a street dwelling road predator commonly found in the US. Born of an unholy union amongst Nissan, Mitsubishi, Renault, (and possibly Satan too), the Altima was unleashed on the blissful unaware world in 1992. It immediately racked up a kill count of 7 before leaving the assembly line, and another 7 immediately AFTER leaving the factory. All early generation Altimas were summoned from a portal to Hell based in Smyrna, Tennessee, but later and more popular models were summoned from the portal to Super Hell opened up in Canton, Mississippi. The headlights – ah, who are we kidding, the headlight, singular – of an Altima is often the last thing seen by unsuspecting motorists moments before being turned into Jell‑O, and it's best to stay as far away from them as possible to prevent injury or shame.
History
First generation
The first-generation Altima is most commonly known as "the SS Bluebird", though it was neither blue nor related to the German secret service. Its blisteringly powerful 15-horsepower motor took less than an hour to reach a top speed of 27 miles per hour, where "beats walkin'" quickly became its motto.
Second generation
The only thing that changed from the first to second generation was the addition of cup holders to the car. This enabled the driver to drink and drive more efficiently than ever before. No second-generation Altima exists any longer as all were inevitably "married off" in passionate engagements to various trees and telephone poles on lonely back roads.
Third generation
Now we're getting somewhere! While still decently rare on the roads these days, the third generation is when the Altima truly began to show its demonic colors. The engine was finally upgraded to a v6, allowing the driver to perform more feats such as tailgating, speeding, and swerving in and around traffic at high speeds. With a 0-60 in ~9 seconds, it was capable of only slightly losing to a base-model Prius in a drag race. The "high-performance" variant known as the SE-R was capable of doing a 0-60 in 5.8 seconds which was quite good, but none of these cars ever sold due to costing $250 more than the base model. The typical Altima buyer could not afford such a price jump. Somehow, this car is credited as the savior of Nissan, as it turned the company around and finally made them profitable.
Fourth generation
The fourth generation is the one that almost killed you yesterday. Yes, that one. The stupid ugly dirt-cheap thing with duct tape hanging off of it, no bumper, scratched paint, hazy yellow lights, no license plate, and pouring smoke out the back. For updates to the car itself, Nissan grudgingly allowed it to have a Bluetooth capability, and a parking camera even! The tradeoff was that they replaced the reasonably nice materials with ultra cheap feeling plastic, perhaps in an attempt to compete with the current generation Corvettes. The glove box was also doubled in size for some reason, possibly to be able to better hold the drugs and weapons the buyers would undoubtedly be taking around with them. In 2009 it got a facelift, which made it slightly uglier, and also made CVT standard (dammit). You will likely see a crusty maroon or silver one with the 2.5S badge slapped on the back regardless of whether or not it IS the 2.5l version of the car. The badge alone adds several horsepower, which is needed to haul the on average extremely obese passenger and driver combo around.
Fifth generation
Kind of looks like the fourth generation. Built entirely out of aluminum, this made it 120 pounds lighter than before, and also led critics to call it the "coke bottle car" partially due to its flared fenders and partially due to the bottles of cocaine found in most abandoned ones.
Sixth generation
Essentially, they took the older car, slapped a crappy touchscreen on it, added some driver assists to help drivers stay distracted, and redid the lights to be what might possibly pass as LED lighting for at least a few weeks before turning piss-yellow. Still very cheap to look at or touch, and still somehow riding on your bumper in 80mph traffic.
Ten Commandments
- Thou shalt not obey traffic signals.
- Thou shalt not pull over, yield, or respond to flashing lights from any public safety vehicle.
- Thou shalt not travel with a license, registration, or insurance.
- Thou shalt not have insurance for thine vehicle.
- Dishonor thy fellow driver.
- Thou shalt play music at a volume that causes all car panels to rattle.
- Thou shalt curb thine wheels.
- Thou shalt accept the 37% APR loan with which thou art to buy this car.
- Thou shalt commit crime.
- Keep dirty/rusty/poorly maintained thine vehicle.
Advertising
"Features"
The Altima has a vast host of features that serve to help the driver, but in most cases only serve to hinder everyone else on the road. For starters, the front and rear bumper can drop off much like a lizard's tail in order to scare off other road predators (F-150s, BMWs, etc.) Driver's note: this part does not grow back ever! The Altima also comes equipped with Wal✽Mart shopping bag based airbags that will only deploy when called a slur three times in a row, powerful air conditioning (only) in the winter and even more powerful heating (only) in the summer, and even a coupon for a brand new spare tire that can permanently replace any of the four normal tires! Coincidentally, the spare tire is not included, probably because it's already on the car! (how kind of them to preinstall it!) The Altima comes pre-equipped with single headlight functionality that allows you to pretend to be a motorcyclist and get free HOV Express lane travel anytime when it's dark out, automatic rust deployment functionality that allows the vehicle to leave a trail of rust anywhere it goes, (meaning it will be easy to find when it gets stolen again), a water intake system that allows all manner of liquids to be taken from the outside to the inside via osmosis, and several pre-drilled holes in the car exterior which make it easier to clean the strange stains out of the seats. Lastly, it has an easily modifiable steering wheel which comes in the perfect size to fit aftermarket fluffy steering wheel covers from Autozone, and back seats that fold down to allow the driver to fit the illegally acquired 100" flatscreen TV.
The two buyers
Paul Kearney Jr.
Paul just graduated high school and will be attending college in the fall. Paul is broke as shit. Paul wants a car so he can get hoes, and maybe some stolen alcohol from the store too. Paul goes to the dealer, who points out a reasonably priced good-condition Toyota Corolla. "Nah," says Paul. The dealer points out a Prius. "Nah," says Paul. The dealer sticks his finger in his nose for a while, and the points a booger-encrusted finger towards the pile of rust in the back. "Yeah," says Paul. Somewhere underneath the pile of rust lies the remains of a 2009 Nissan Altima, complete with rusted out sub frame, broken headlights, and no license plate bracket! "The fleas were complimentary," says the dealer as Paul drives off the lot.
Credit score: 570
Shaniqua Dankwillius III
"Ah jus' graduated from the hair technician school, ya know? An' this queen needs a ride, and it ain't gonna be no car like what Darius got, because his meat is small, and I don' wanna ride no Darius small meat vehicle! Now, that car my neighbor got, that's a car if I ever see'd one myself. A queens gotta roll in a car like dat! Anyhoo, that dumbass be leavin' his keys around, jus' like that! Free car, I ain't never said no to no free car! Now that shit mine, an I tell all my girlfrens, like byee-yitch, y'all muthafuckas wish you had something like this, ya see the plastic chrome rims? Yes ma'am, this car is FO ME!"
Credit score: 410
