Roemenie
On September 17 2009, Uncyclopedia received this article on Romania from the Flemish professor of Foreign Cultures at the University of Antwerp, Vandersteen. He claimed the commonly known article was full of lies and urged the staff to replace it with his superior work - this article. Though several researchers from the Romanian capital acknowledged Vandersteen's story, the CIA ordered Uncyclopedia's staff to find a way to preserve the original article, which was an American Federal Report.
The article Antwerp, featured on June 27 2005, was “de-featured” due to general vandalism and the article on Romania was “featured in its place”, so to ensure Vandersteen's efforts were not a complete waste of time, the Dutch name for Romania, “Roemenië”, was used as a “second-opinion article”. Unfortunately, the person responsible for this move had no “trema” (diæresis) on his keyboard, causing the name to be incorrectly changed to Roemenie.
Enjoy this article,
The authors of Uncyclopedia.
Romania County of Transylvania Romania | |||||
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| Motto: Prisaisli robin | |||||
| Anthem: Nananananananana | |||||
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| Capital & Largest City | Belarest | ||||
| Official language(s) | Romanian | ||||
| Government | County | ||||
| National Hero(es) | House of Dracula | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | August 20, 856 AD | ||||
| Currency | Twonk, Euro | ||||
| Religion | None and all | ||||
| National Dish | Blood | ||||
| Life expectancy | 145 years (+1 week for each 50ml of virgin's blood drunk) | ||||
“I'd love to go there, but 'tis such a drive...”
Romania is an East-European country or, more accurately, a county. For the twelve centuries it has existed, it has never been converted to a republic or a kingdom, making it a state nobody cared about, despite its impressive size.
The county was founded by Count Placide Dracula when he stole a collection of duchies, counties, princedoms and other tracts of land from his neighbors. Because of the territorial wars which occurred every other day, such a buffer-state proved convenient, and these neighbors let Count P. Dracula do as he pleased.
The House of Dracula[edit | edit source]
Count Placide and his descendants maintained such a stable county due to the combination of their intelligence and their longevity. This allowed them to execute long term politics, which is no mean feat, and enabled the county to waft through twelve centuries of European troubles and struggles, including two World Wars and innumerable Crusades, with relative ease.
In 1966, a collection of memorial stamps depicting the faces of all five counts and the one countess Dracula were released in celebration of the enthroning of the current Count. The years on these stamps refer to the ruling terms of the Counts and Countess, since the dates of neither births nor deaths are known. Typical to Romania, citizens only take into account the active part of their lives, roughly between the 18th and 130th birthdays. This may seem strange to normal mortal beings, but with a life expectancy of 145 years and no education or pension whatsoever, a Romanian's life really is his job.
Because of this work ethic, little to nothing is discussed in the biographies and lores of the Counts beyond their ruling terms due to a lack of documentation.
Count Placide Dracula (856-1078)[edit | edit source]
After the borders of Placide's newly-gathered territory had been established, he called the land "Transylvania". This name was recommended to him by a Latin-speaking monk, who referred to the surrounding woods: the word simply means past the woods. This awkward vision hints the monk's nationality, as only a non-Romanian would see Romania as a county past the woods.
Count Placide was enormously popular due to the abolishment of no less than eight taxes. This was quite an impressive piece of politics, since he had only created seven. This trick is applied by sneaky politicians to this day, especially just before elections.
To maintain peace in the county without hiring an expensive army, Count Placide managed to gossip his neighbors into five Balkan Wars whilst staying neutral himself and even went so far as to initiate the peace treaties. This strategy was continued by his descendants and proved to be a guaranteed success again and again... and again.
Count Modeste Dracula (1078-1300)[edit | edit source]
Count Modeste Dracula, Placide's oldest son, took over after his father had abdicated. He decided to rename the county to Romania, its current name, without ever explaining this unexpected order. Skeptics speculate he had merely wanted to rule a county with a name similar to Ancient Rome, hoping to gain more fame for his country and himself. However, evidence is yet to be found to support this theory.
Count Modeste initiated four Balkan Wars and acted as the peacemaker in five. Strangely, the fifth one started without any help from him while he was visiting France in 1299. One year later, his oldest son, Vlad, was throned.
Count Vlad Dracula (1300-1522)[edit | edit source]
Count Vlad Dracula was the least popular Romanian Count. Known as being extremely cruel, he tended to force his opponents to break the world record for "sitting on pretty sharp poles". As a result, foreign visitors, impressed by the numerous pierced dumdums, took home the name "Dracula" and made it into a synonym for "bloodthirsty" - a reputation the family still has not got rid of, despite the efforts of the proceeding generations.
Thanks to Vlad, the Balkans went through Balkan Wars Eleven through Thirteen, naturally without the belligerent states realising Vlad's hand in the matter.
Count Dieudonné Dracula (1522-1744)[edit | edit source]
Count Dieudonné Dracula not only managed to remain neutral in the Balkan Wars XIV through XX, he also evaded the fuss of the religious wars that were raging through Europe at that time.
Dieudonné was a master of diplomacy. Utilising impeccable communication skills, he successfully led all involved nations into believing that he was on their side. He was also an avid art fanatic and assigned a servant to make portraits of him and his ancestors, initiating the tradition that all Counts be set down in portraits. These very same portraits are used on the stamps here shown.
Due to Dieudonné's charisma and love for the arts, he was much more beloved than his dreadful father.
Countess Morticia Dracula (1744-1966)[edit | edit source]
Arguably the most modern of her House, Countess Morticia Dracula has been the only woman to ascend the throne so far. She was not meant to be her father's successor, but she took the throne instead of her brother, Amadé, who, how conveniently, mysteriously disappeared just a few days before her father decided to resign. Historians and gossipers alike have said that he fled to Austria-Hungary to compose music and be an artist, sick of her sister's obsession with power.
Countess Morticia dedicated her life to keeping track of all technological discoveries, especially focusing on the works of Mr. James Watt. When Morticia declared that the 100-mile journey from her residence to the capital city would from now on be made by tram, rather than having her be carried by the inhabitants, the population went crazy as they were thoroughly sick of the crowdsurf avant-la-lettre. Unfortunately, she did not take the Romanian economy into account for this plan, leading to the Great Devaluation of 1848.
After primarily focusing on only the technological advancement in the county, she eventually went on to launch the 21st (1912) and the 22nd (1913) Balkan Wars. Historians also argue she caused the First World War, but the county archives contain no history of such events. The same was the case for her part in the start of the Second World War, however, it was certain that she could not stand on the sideline of these conflicts without going unnoticed, so she offered to care for the wounded, as Romania "[had] the best blood transfusion program in the world". However, in both World Wars, few people ever returned from Romania's care, only to look oddly pale and act very strangely, eventually retiring to asylums. Those that died, a much more common fate, were buried in Romania and neither Countess Morticia nor the current Count ever gave permission to dig up the bodies.
The International Federation of Doctors, Surgeons, and Other Med-School Guys (IFGPOMG) expressed their concern over the matter, and a group of Christians who claimed the Romanian patients had been attacked by vampires decided to found an organisation to give independent medical aid all over the world. First, they wanted to name it the Red Stake, then they renamed it to the less hostile Red Garlic, and finally the organisation the Red Cross was born.
Morticia also inspired the American cartoonist Charles Addams in the creation of one of his most beloved characters, whom he called "Morticia", and who has been featured in many series and films.
Count Désiré Dracula (1966-2188?)[edit | edit source]
Morticia's oldest son, Count Désiré Dracula, is Romania's current head of state. His most important acts so far have been the Balkan Wars 23 through 25, as well as the addition of two buses that tour around Belarest.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Romania has a very stable economy, most probably due to the constant rule of the royals. Two currencies are used: the twonk and the euro.
Twonk[edit | edit source]
The twonk has always circulated through the county and will probably remain forever. The twonk has been greatly devalued through the years and therefore the twanks and twinks, the tenths and cents of the twonk have been removed from circulation. In 2008, the year in which Romania added the euro as a currency, one euro equaled 1345 twonks.
The Great Devaluation[edit | edit source]
Even though the devaluation of the twonk was always very slight, Romania went through one huge devaluation in 1848. This devaluation, a direct consequence to the extraordinary debt following the construction of the tram Nosferatu-Belarest, was so bad, the inflation had to be slowed down by dividing all value by 100. People who went through the Great Devaluation, and like to tell about it, are commonly called "old twonks".
Strikes of 1849[edit | edit source]
After the construction of the tram Nosferatu-Belarest, the population initially went wild. Finally they could do something sensible instead of carrying their rather chubby head of state to her comfy castle. They had even received a very reasonable pension, most carriers could stop working forever. However, their valuable pension became worthless after the Great Devaluation, and since globalisation hadn't really started yet, there were no jobs at all. Therefore, even though the riots of 1849 are commonly known as strikes, they officially aren't, since stopping working is kind of hard when there is no work.
Public transport[edit | edit source]
Public transport in Romania is limited: only two buses, a chariot and the 158-kilometre tram line Nosferatu-Belarest.
Ministry[edit | edit source]
Romania has a Ministry of Public Transport, a squadron of civil servants dedicated to the few bus and trams in the country. Even though one could assume that the ministry has no problems at all taking care of this, the truth is quite different. The bus Belarest-Hrrbl is known for always being an hour late. An unsettling record was broken on January 1st, around 8 o' clock in the morning. The bus was supposed to arrive 8 o' clock in the morning, December 31st! Other disquieting delays were seen on November 11th (14 hours) and June 21st (12 hours). Hence the Ministers often don't hold out long, sometimes even crashing the entire government.
Tram line[edit | edit source]
Until the late 19th century, the Count (or Countess) was carried from and to his residence, Nosferatu, to and from Belarest, in a classy carriage. However, Morticia wanted to be modern and in 1847 managed a tram rail road construction between the two cities, even though the county's economy couldn't carry such costs. The tram was built and the Great Devaluation followed, which the Romanians are still paying for. The apparatus is trustworthy, though, they've used the same carriages since 1847. In 1885, the horses were replaced by a steam engine, which in turn was moved to the City Museum of Belarest when the tram went electric.
Bus[edit | edit source]
To promote water sports tourism, a bus line Gloogloo-Belarest-Myaunta was made in 1997, which gave water sports tourists the opportunity to, to Romanian standards, quickly (20 hours) travel from Belarest to the Blue Danube or the Black Sea. The profit this brought forth led to the construction of the line Belarest-Hrrbl, that passes through other cities like Capnclr, Detsgreat Mêson and Lotslava. That trip does require two days, though.
Chariot[edit | edit source]
The chariot connection between Kchelova en Lugosi, which used to continue through Detsgreat and Bacliau, had only been maintained for nostalgic reasons and only during weekends. The rider polishes it at departure and arrival, which gets harder every year. After all, it is the 16th-century original, which could certainly use a new layer of paint.
Wattman[edit | edit source]
The Romanian public transport doesn't only have its own ministry, it even features a mascot, called Wattman. The character's full name is actually Bruce Wayne, an enthusiastic American mechanic who went to Romania in 1847 to help in constructing the tram line. Of course, since the actor has to be a native English speaker, many people have had the honour of being Bruce Wattman Wayne. People like Mark Twain, Sherlock Holmes, Roosevelt and Rowan Atkinson have spent years in Romania living their Romanian dream.
According to insiders, <insert name here>, a well-known humourist and excellent actor, is going to replace John Doe sometime 2011.
International relations[edit | edit source]
In 2007, Romania joined the European Union, together with Bulgaria and, in 2008 made the euro the auxiliary currency. Whereas Bulgaria and the countries that joined in 2004 acted in a very humble way, following the Westerlies like sheep, the Romanian Ambassadors showed they weren't afraid of Europe.
They proposed a law that gave equal rights to humanoid chiropterae, in other words vampires, stating it would encourage these creatures to stop killing and get their meals in a legal way. The European Commission, thinking this was just another stupid request, said the law would be passed if Romania signed a peace treaty with Moldova. The two countries have been archenemies for ages; the Romanian counts haven't been able to trick their neighbors into a war, infuriating the Counts.
Count Désiré surprised the Commission by signing a treaty with Moldova in 2009, after which the EU could do no more than pass the law.
In the past, Romania was frequently being mocked by Latin-speaking monks for their name, Transsylavania. The literal translation, as mentioned above, was indeed past the woods. But in those days, there was another meaning.
The Roman camps and settlements often had no restrooms, outhouses, or any other sort of public convenience. Therefore, people went past the nearest woods when they had to go. The name Transsylavania therefore implied Romania was some sort of giant shithole.
It is another theory as to why Modeste gave the county its current name. Perhaps he wanted to stop the constant mocking by people like Benedict XVI.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
In Romania, there are only two ways for tourists to go: the water and the mountains, which is what public transport focuses on.
There are some interesting places in Romania. Since the map in the infobox above is in Dutch, the Dutch names are mentioned, too.
- Hrrbl (Vrschrkklk), the mountain village whose name even the inhabitants can't pronounce the name. They've attempted a name change, but UNESCO put the name on their List of Masterpieces of the Oral Heritage of Humanity.
- Nosferatu (Nosferatu), the mountain where the Royal Family resides in her castle. This castle can be visited for a democratic 15.000 Twonk (or €10.)
- Capnclr (Kapkrnval), the ultra-secret rocket base of Romania. It can actually be visited, but the the price depends on the guards' mood. Usually, 20.000 Twonk (€15) should be enough.
- Gloogloo (Gloegloe), the city where the Blue Danube takes a rest and the tourist finds out the Danube isn't blue.
- Myaunta (Matanta), a city on the coast of the Black Sea. The tourist finds out this sea isn't black.
 | This page was originally sporked from the Dutch Oncyclopedia |
