Antwerp is the second largest of the imaginary cities in Belgium (an equally imaginary country) and served as its capital from 1888 to 1913, while Brussels was in drug rehab. Culturally rich, Antwerp is noted for its many museums, fine dining, excellent beer, hookers, mass murders and jumpers. In comparison to Ghent, Antwerp is the best city in the universe--Ghent sucks monkey bars.
Antwerp is positioned between 'Over het water' (which it borders by the river Scheldt) and 'Boemerskonten' (which it is separated from through the Ring, Antwerp's ring road). These two electrified boundaries prevent the escape of the city's hopelessly trapped population (known as "Twerps"). Although access to Antwerp is impossible by road, tourists have taken to throwing bricks and Steinway pianos at the local people from their helicopters.
The name "Antwerp" ("Antwerpen" in Dutch) is thought to be derived from the old expression "hant werpen" or "hand werpen", which actually means "throwing hands". This goes back to a not so old -its actually quite new compared to some other myths if you look at it from a relativist kind of way, but nobody does that anyway so why talk about this, what was i talking about again?- mythical story about a Roman soldier named named Maximus Carpus Tunnus, who cut off the hand of a cocaine-addicted giant who gave him a really, really, god awful handjob. MC Tunnus threw the hand into the river Schelde which crosses the city, and a great cheer went up from the grateful citizens, who proclaimed him a hero and declared that they would remember him forever. Then the now one-handed giant crushed him underfoot like a bug.
In 1976, the city revived the tradition of cutting off visitors' hands, and consequently most of the commuters driving in from the suburbs lost both their hands. When the resulting traffic accidents decimated the local population, Antwerp imported chimpanzees and crocodiles to replace the original workers, bringing a major boost to the city's economy. The famous neoclassicist chimpanzee housing blocks in the Zoo (near the Central Station) have been placed on UNESCO's World Heritage list and are worth a visit.
Battles of Antwerp
In 232 B.C. , twelve year before the founding of Ghent, its people unanimously decided that Antwerp was to be attacked on sight. After being raided by Antwerpian Sheet-raiders in search of sheets--Ghent's greatest commodity--the city of Ghent raised an army consisting of twelve farmers, three armoured goats and a koala bear. They then besieged the city of Antwerp, but were arrested and charged with loitering. Afterwards, there was much drinking.
During World War Two Antwerp was twice besieged by the German armies, but the city's famous fortification drape (designed in the 1700's by Versace) proved impregnable.
Antwerp's population consists of truckloads of Walloons, who speak Mandarin Chinese, and Hoosiers, who make strange grunting noises and scratch a lot. The remainder of the population is Moroccan (57%), Turkish (21%), Japanese maniac photographers (13%), and Jewish (6.7%). Recent years have seen an influx of immigrants including Zulus, Emos, and Mad Scientists. In 2007 Antwerp received waves of refugees from the planetoid formerly known as Pluto, after it was ordered removed from our solar system.
Today, Antwerp is economically thriving. It is a busy sea port, the center of the Belgian sugar-cane industry, and the home of one of Europe's busiest prostitution networks. Long the world leader in the manufacture of barf bags, Antwerp has recently solidified sales of this product by establishing a major publishing operation for Ann Coulter's books.
In recent years (12,6 A.B., as counted after the birth of Bob, the thrice-holy chimpanzee, Patron Saint of the city), Antwerp gained much notoriety in the ways of haute couture. Designers of note include Ann Demeulemeester (of Native American decent; the name roughly translates as "she-with-eyes-of-frog" and generally recognized as the first female to combine the hoop skirt with prayer), Walter Van Beirendonck (very little is known about him, except his voracious appetite for fruits of all sorts) and Three Of Nuts (landed in Antwerp during the Dark Sky of -6,2 A.B. when James T. Kirk mispronounced "Pootie Tang" and inadvertently triggered the reproduction cycle in a Borg cell phone orbiting the city). These three designers are mostly (but not always, as this is impossible) referred to as the Paris Four.
Famous people born in Antwerp
- Abraham Orxeliux - cartographer, geographer, Chevy dealer (1517-1586)
- Gillis van Coninxloo - landscape painter and drunk (1504-1607)
- Rodrigo Calderón - Count of Olina, Spanish "favorite" and "adventurer" (use your imagination) (d.1621)
- Hilda of Urxor - hottie (1568-1612)
- Frans Hals - painter and drunk, famous for paintings of drunks (1570-1666)
- Anthony van Dyck - beard stylist (1599-1641)
- Moses - visionary prophet, drunk (1623-1698)
- The Bee Gees - baroque musicians (fl. 1750s)
- Flattop, crook - Dick Tracy nemesis (1909-1942)
- Merle Haggard - hog calling champion (b. 1934)
- Lil Kim - pugilist (b. 1983)
- Tom Barman - ruler/prime minister of the secret Belgian shadow-government aka dEUS (Born before the beginning of time - still not dead)
- you (else why are you reading this?)