Portal:Religion
Religion generally involves the following or worship of a creed or deity in which one has optimistically attributed supernatural powers. "True Believers" are often labeled as schizophrenics or having some other neurological disorders in certain scientific-minded and rational circles, although the loudest among them tend to be derided for their poor fashion sense and general smelliness. According to a secular understanding of history, religion was invented by tribal chieftans at least two million years ago in order to control and exploit their fellow tribal members, and it was going strong in the Western World until that separation of Church and State nonsense. In the third world, it's business as usual. God is often portrayed as a giant bearded man in the sky that flies around granting wishes, although some religions would prefer you not portray him at all.
A Bar Mitzvah is an Aramaic term referring to a paternalistic Jewish religious ceremony dating back to ancient times. The purpose of the ceremony was not known until recently, when it was discovered Bar Mitzvahs were a way to exclude others in the community by pretending you knew something they didn't. Under the guise of "becoming a man," the 13-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy -- aka BM Boy -- would see how long he could make up gibberish words. This is because the only source of entertainment is watching the BM Boy blush while his voice cracks. The origination of the term Bar Mitzvah is not exactly known, but there are many interpretations. The word bar is often thought to have come from the sentence, "How long has grandpa Moishe been having sex at the 'bar'?" A secondary interpretation comes from Polynesia, where a bar is a rigid rod used during Limbo. The bar symbolizes a Jewish mother's unbending refusal to have her male child weasel out of completing this ceremony.
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the official mascot for the Church of Later Day Saints, a satirical parody of the Roman Catholic Church (as if the Catholics weren't funny enough). He is essentially the same as regular Jesus, only he happens to be blonde and 100% pure, red-blooded American (not to be confused with Stephen Colbert). Disgruntled fans consider him an expanded Universe addition only, and discount that Jesus ever had blonde hair, since he was a Palestinian Jew and all. Shortly after his death, Jesus walked (his airline miles had expired) to America and brought his zombie wrath to the Indians, who called themselves Native Americans.
EARTH, Sol System – The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.
"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest', making for a maximum total of less than 300,000 people, body and soul." Industry, transportation and communications worldwide were interrupted after bits of people were raised bodily up to Heaven to be with our LORD. Period keys on keyboards, for example, remained unpushed for the better share of a day after the third fingers of typists departed the right hands to which they had previously been permanently attached, leading to many run-on sentences with no end in sight...
- A slice of toast seen on the face of Jesus (Pictured)
- Devoutly gay man feels conflicted after admitting attraction to Christianity
- Pope John Paul II posthumously wins Monsignor Universe beauty contest
- Global faith crisis after miraculous resurrection of Madalyn Murray O'Hair, America's "most hated woman"
- Outrage over practice of throwing virgins into volcanos in India
- Meditated Buddhist monks accused of sleeping on the job
- The Heavens rejoice as Dow Jones market index surpasses 14,000
- Shock as God admits: "I experimented with evolution"
- ... that Walpurgis Night (or Walpurgisnacht) celebrates St. Walpurga, patron saint of stinky women?
- ... that God's answering service is experiencing high-volume, please call again later?
- ... that the Bhagavad Gita is the inspirational tale of a man embracing wanton acts of violence towards his loved ones?
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