Papercupism

A paper cup that has been made to be "spiritually in tune" with its owner.

Does your life have any meaning? No, really, any at all? Probably not, if you are reading this. You could try to find some.(You won't) You could go emo.(fag.) You could even kill yourself(actually, please do). Or, you could turn to religion. What's that you say, you hate all the religions today, with their talks of peace and love, and deities you can't even see?!? Well, perhaps you need to check out The Church of Papercupism, the only religion that worships actual paper cups, focusing on harnessing their vast spiritual power.

What is Papercupism?

Indiana Jones, a Papercupist, brings his possessed father a paper cup full of coffee to force out his demons. Yeah, paper cups + coffee = exorcism. The cups are that powerful.

Papercupism is a relatively new religion focusing on harnessing the vast spiritual power of paper cups. What? What do you mean I just said that? Oh, who asked you, anyway? All paper cups qualify to be worshipped, but by far the most popular brand is Dixie^(R) Brand Paper Cups, due to their wide availability and cute pictures of various farm animals on the sides. There are many sects of Papercupism, many of which vary greatly in their practice of worshipping.

Holy Books of Papercupism

A compilation of both Holy Books, which was written by the paper cups, and those with whom they conversed directly. And nobody else. Really.

Despite the abundance of different sects of the religion, all Papercupists agree on the existence and absolute truths of the Holy Books of Papercupism.

The First Holy Book/A word from our sponsors

The first holy book of Papercupism was discovered in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. This first book is the "Universal Catalogue of Paper Cups and Paper Cup related products". This sacred catalogue discusses the availability of paper cups, the common brands, and uncommon price ranges. Why uncommon? Well, here at Wal-Mart, there's nothing common about our price ranges! Low, low, low, every single day! Why haven't you shopped at Wal-Mart?

The Second Holy Book/"The Prophesy"

The second holy book is not a book at all, but a label found on the back of a package of "Dixie Paper Cups Farm Edition" that was discovered deep in the "Temple of the Cup," which will be mentioned once in this article, never explained, and you will forget about it after two days. The meaning of the label is unknown, but many experts suggest that, once deciphered, the label will lead Papercupism's dedicated followers (12 at last count) to the rotting wax cardboard carcass of the 1st elder, known as "Rick". When "Rick's" carcass is found, he will be resurrected to join his brothers, the 2nd and 3rd elders; Rick's buddy, Dave, and a Mexican cup named Jorge. Once this happens, the Holy Trinity of the Paper Cup will be born again, and paper cups will take over to become the dominant species once again, replacing the Jews.The followers of Papercupism will then be lavished upon with the magnificent gift of 1000 packs of Dixie cups. And maybe even gold, too! But probably not.

Creation

The world was created, according to Papercupists, by the Great "Creator Cup," the first true Dixie cup, blessings and peace be upon His name. You may notice that the previous phrase sounds a bit like what Muslims say when they mention Muhammad. This is because they stole it from us, the damn terrorists.... Anyways, historians estimate that the Great Cup created the world in around 4 days, easily trumping "God's" 6 days. He then died. But, He left his kingdom to the three Elders(Rick, Dave, and Jorge, if you're stupid enough to forget already). It is said that the creator's cup was so big and powerful that it depicted every single cute farm animal known to existence on its mighty sides. This is known as one of the "Sacred Mysteries of the Cup," as science has yet to prove just how large this would make the Great Creator Cup, blessings and peace be upon His blah blah blah yatta yatta yatta you know the rest. Many Papercupists believe that the entire universe exists within the Creator Cup. They form a sect known as the Universalists, or "homosexuals."

Afterlife

The afterlife of the devoted Papercupist focuses largely on the trash bin, the final resting place for all paper cups. Most Papercupists believe that their afterlife will be in "the absolute trash bin," which houses all the paper cups of the past. This is an extremely flawed afterlife, as it involves spending eternity in what is essentially a large dumpster, and explains, in part, why Papercupism is such a massively unpopular religion.

The Anti-Cup

Similar to the Satan of Christianity, the Anti-Cup is the "devil" of Papercupism. Though it is not stated in the first holy book of Papercupism, it is said that one of the first cups turned out by the Dixie company was not paper at all, but plastic. Rejecting the opaque, waxy shell and cute farm animals, the Anti-Cup chose a path of hatred and chaos to the path of peace and reason offered by the Creator Cup. Because of this, there is suffering for some reason. Why not, right? The symbol of the Anti-Cup is the clear, plastic cup (.....shiver.....), being the exact opposite of the waxy paper cup.

Unfortunately, this depicts much of the world's feelings about Papercupism.

Controversy

In recent years, Papercupism has grown controversial. Of course, this is only due mostly to the fact that other religions have become jealous of how awesome it is. Papercupist priests will let you bang anything that moves if you want, as long as you offer up the pleasure you receive to the Great Cup or the Three Elders, and clean up after yourself. Even internet porn is fine if you're a Papercupist. Hell, you can rob someone, commit adultery, covet your neighbor's shit, even kill a bitch or two! The Great Cup is cool. And He's two lazy to do anything about it. In other words, the Great Cup is like that middle school teacher you had that liked to pretend he had authority sometimes, but was usually to lazy to use it and didn't really care anyways. Because of this, everybody loved him and thought he was the coolest. Remember when you wrote "I blow goats" on his desk, he was lazy to care? Ya, he got fired when kids started failing. Too bad, he was a good guy.... Anyways, the Great Cup is just like that in that He is so frikkin cool.

How About a Nice Cup of Shut the Fuck Up?

Blasphemy!! Declare Jihad on his family! That's right, Jihad is just another thing the Muslims stole from the Papercupists! All twelve Papercupists are gonna show up at your door and kick the living shit outta you! You're gonna get it now, ya douchebag! Next time, you'll think twice before insulting Papercupism!!