George Hammond
“OK Hammond, the government has asked me to look into this proof of yours and find out what it is. Give me a rundown of how it works.”
“Ok Oscar, here's the scoop. Turns out if I stop taking my medication, I can have conversations with dead people. Now here's the amazing thing... no matter what crazy shit I say, they always agree with me in the end.”
“By George I think you've got something, it probably is the scientific explanation of God.”
“YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA”
George Hammond was a poverty-stricken American physicist who decided to apply his talents to the field of psychology, where he was extremely successful, because physicists are smarter than psychologists and thus have special insights that would never occur to a soft scientist. Unfortunately, the government, afraid he was too close to discovering their secret psy-ops experiments, held him as a political prisoner in a Massachusetts insane asylum. Unperturbed, [Hammond] continued his research, and in the process accidentally discovered the world's first Scientific Proof of God. He has since become the leader of the Free World. He also lives in Texas.
Scientific Proof of God[edit | edit source]
You've got to be kidding if you think a no-account amateur heckler, troll, psychopath, and child molester like yourself could possibly have the Ph.D.-level knowledge of physics, psychology, theology, biology, and numerology necessary to even begin to comprehend this proof. [Hammond] has reported your vicious celebrity-stalking and net-abuse to the FBI, Interpol, the Cabal, and the Internet Police. Not that your highly suspicious computer usage hasn't already alerted them to you.
Nevertheless, Hammond's mathematical proof of God (which contains no mathematics, BTW) is essentially as follows:
1) When you're a little kid, time seemed to pass more slowly that it does now.
2) That difference is due to relativistic time dilation.
3) The the four-dimensional "distance" between the rate of time passing when you were a child and the rate of passing as an adult is a real space.
4) That space is the place where God lives.
5) Since God lives there, it follows that he must exist.
QED.
Announcement of the Discovery[edit | edit source]
When publication of his proof in the prestigious and peer-reviewed Noetic Journal failed to garner immediate worldwide attention, [Hammond] turned his work over to the highly powerful and respected religions of Christian Science and Scientology to distribute. Unfortunately, although both groups immediately understood how the SPOG proved their own ideas, each claimed to be the one true religion proven by the SPOG. This was a highly fallacious position, because the SPOG has been shown to prove every religion, including strong atheism and apathetic agnosticism.
When an article about the SPOG appeared in the Christian Science Monitor, the Religious Technology Center, the corporation that holds most of Scientology's intellectual property, immediately sued the paper for copyright and trade secret infringement. Although the case was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount, other newspapers were afraid to publish the news due to fear of similar lawsuits, resulting in a six-year conspiracy of silence in the mainstream media. Nevertheless, news of the SPOG propagated by word-of-mouth, the Internet, and Usenet newsgroups such as alt.religion.kibology. Individuals known as "SPOG freaks" began a grassroots movement to protest what they termed the "George Hammond Conspiracy" [1].
Rise to Power[edit | edit source]
“Ahhh.. what a pleasure it is to have risen to the heights of power where it is possible to easily politically kick the ass of an aggravated vicious jackass like you.”
In 2004, President Bush, under pressure from the SPOG Freak movement, and in desperate need of a means to win the oil war on Islam, nullified the Constitution and granted [Hammond] supreme power over the United States government. [Hammond] used his newfound power to announce the Scientific Proof of God to the entire world. Terrorist leaders such as Osama bin Laden instantly recognized the inexorability of [Hammond]'s proof, and jihadists everywhere threw down their weapons and declared in one voice that Allah lives in Washington, not in Mecca. Religious leaders who had previously been damning each other to Hell joined together to create the Church of the Scientific Advent, the world's largest and most powerful church ever.
However, [Hammond]'s reign was not without its problems. Upset at their failure to impose their atheistic world view on society, thousands of academic yuppie scum began spreading vicious slander about [Hammond] and the SPOG, and heckling [Hammond] with cafeteria-style one-liners. Enraged at their insolence, [Hammond] published a list of prominent critics, known as the "Killfile," and ordered them hunted down and executed. The Killfile has included such members as:
Those who would harass or contradict [Hammond] are warned -- you could be next.
Symbols of the Reich[edit | edit source]
To celebrate the discovery of the SPOG, [Hammond] ordered the symbol of the SPOG to be placed on the back of every one-dollar bill printed in the United States of [Hammond]. The symbol is a pyramid with thirteen steps and four sides, ascending towards a single floating eye. The thirteen steps represent the thirteen Egyptian gods, corresponding to the thirteen human personality types. The four sides of the pyramid represent the four American gods:
The one eye hovering above the pyramid represents stupidity, which [Hammond] has proven to be the root cause of all human behavior. The motto "Annuit Coeptis" is Latin for [Hammond]'s famous equation, .
