Christian metal
Christian metal, also known as white metal, has been around for years, even though Christians has been around since dinosaurs, and according to them, men, have been around. Christian metal is famous for its music that makes your ears bleed, and its lyrics that talk about the fictional "God" which you find in little kiddie cartoons.
Rules and Requirements[edit | edit source]
In order to become a Christian metal band member, you must do the following:
- be willing to have your family hate you for the rest of your life.
- be able to scream like a cat getting raped in the ass by an elephant.
- bestow awkwardness upon your non-Christian listeners by screaming such phrases as "I love You, God" and "I pray to Thee" during a breakdown.
- hate gays (this is a biggie. You must LOATHE gay people. ESPECIALLY lesbians, because they're always showing off their fucking on the internet. The more you hate gays, the better Christian metal member you are. (extra cookies for calling gay people faggots, and if you falsely accuse someone of being gay, hell, you've already won!!)
- think the world is flat.
- quote Bible passages during an instrumental, acoustic or hidden track.
- Make
fucked-upinteresting lyrics about things that no non-Christian could ever to relate to or like, even though they're who you're trying to reach. - hate Satanists and SECULAR heavy metal (yeah, there's a difference. We don't know what, but there is...)
- dress emo even when you're not going for emo.
- believe that dinosaurs and humans lived together, slept together, and ate together.
- believe that dinosaurs never existed (Fundametalist bands only)
- hate tofu (remember, gays and lesbians eat tofu, so back off!)
- watch the popular TV show "Touched by An Angel" (yeah, we've never heard of it either)
- invade a musical genre and attempt to destroy it's credibility and cry over bands saying "Fuck You"
in their songs. (Seriously, why the fuck would anyone's God care what kind of music you listen to, you won't be transported to the Ninth Level of Hell for listening to Metallica, or Meshuggah).
- hate yourself
Notable Christian metal bands[edit | edit source]
Some extremely (un)poplular bands are:
- The Church
- The Hypocrites
- Die, Satan, Die (most noted for their hit single, "I wanna kill for Christ!")
- The Straights (most noted for their hit single "Kill the gays!!")
- Deicide (They're actually Satanist, but, hey they sing about their religion, don't they?)
- Jesus Bolt
- My God Can Kill Your God
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“Everything I know about religion and devil's music is a lie!!”
“I've had it with these motherfucking wannabes trying to make motherfucking heavy metal!!”
“Blasphemy!!”
“What gives? What part of "Christ like" don't ya get?? Ya think I'm listening to that crap?!”
“Heyy! you stole my music!!”
“Yeeeeeeaaaaaeeeaaaeah!!!!!Jesus rules!”