Wu-Tang Clan
The Wu-Tang Clan is an elite group of ninja revolutionaries and mind control cult, under the leadership of reverend Bob Diggs, that arose in the early 1890s to challenge the authority of the various secret societies ruling the world, including the Illuminati, the Freemasons, Newscorp and the Spanish Inquisition. The Clan pledged to free the world from impending doom and usher in a brave new era in which everyone will be stoned, wear their own clothing line and talk in incomprehensible but nonetheless impressive speech, a.k.a Wu Ebonics.
Spoiler alert: The Wu-tang clan made Orange Slice soda originally called wu-tang, because of the color orange. Like Tupac Shakur was once a Jewish holiday.
History[edit | edit source]
The name "Wu-Tang" comes from a Chinese mountain, whose name literally translated meant "Great Hill that is nothing ta fuck with". Not to be confused with the common internet expression of when you've just received a tasty powdered orange drink (*w00t*Tang!)
Their methods of fighting include Shaolin Shadowboxing,Wu-Tang sword style, as well as a vicious type of torture creatively named Torture, nigga... Torture!. They recorded the E.P. "B-Dale Ballin'" With central Pennsylvania Hip-Hop/Rock group West B Dale. Who consists of Dj Durtay Mittins and Greez-E Fingaz. The E.P. was an underground Rap hit and was certified Gold by the RIAA.
There is some debate as to whether or not they actually invented the martial art Tiger style,
It is more commonly known by the Wu-Tang as"Tiiigaah Style!". As of yet there is only one student who graduated to Wesely SnipesBelt of the ancient Tiiigaah Style. Mostly because the Wu-Tang Clan has deemed it too "ass rancid dangerous to be taught to just any sucka." That man is the eternal emperor of Thailand, who then used his power to shove tigers up women's asses around the world. (See what they meant, too dangerous)
It is, however, plausible that anyone can learn the ways of the southern-style Tiger...um..er...style.The southern style differs from the northern style in that it is based on focusing rage rather than spamming cheap projectiles at someones chest and knees. It is simliar to bojutsu, however the practitioner will go ape-shit on the person with a five iron instead of a stick.
It was rumoured that only a select few would be able to learn the rest of these methods. All others who tried would be subject to travelling to the 4th Chamber never to return. The rumour was proven trued in 1992 by Stephen Colbert and his team of Lindsay Lohan clones... all of whom did not survive.
Charismatic leader of the Wu-Tang Clan, RZA, describes the group's philosophy as so: "It was Grandmaster Flash and Huey P. Newton, the true older gods, who showed the people of Earth the math of the 26th dimension which proved that all Rap was meaningless, and that the world was calling for the Wu with desperatation <sic>. Realmatizing <sic> this, I gathered from all people on earth the most mythical of all the mythic mathematic martial artists for an ultimate competition. The winners of this competition were chosen to form the Wu-Tang Clan. The Clan, along with all the suns, moons and gods, built the 36 chambers to contain the truth of the Grandmaster and Huey P's mathematics, all 26 dimensions plus room for 10 extra dimensions". In response to this, Wu-Tang fans unanimously responded, "Huh?"
Speculation has recently risen that Barack Obama will appoint the Wu-Tang Clan to become his Cabinet. At this time is is unknown which positions each member will take, only that Raekwon will be subjected to becoming the White House cook and that Method Man will be sent to help interrogate prisoners held in guantanamo bay.
Founding Members[edit | edit source]
Since their inception, the Wu-Tang Clan has grown to a point where they are considered "their own pingas" Fo' rizzle.
- RZA: Both Quentin Tarantino's film production professor and the undisputed leader of the Wu-Tang Clan. Nobody knows for certain what his powers are, but they must be unspeakably awesome to command the Wu-Tang. The strongest existing theory is that he keeps all members in check by endlessly spouting babble with such confidence that all figure it must be terribly profound. RZA is also known as Bobby Dig-It-All, due to his passion for amateur treasure hunting. RZA also has the leadership of Barack Obama and the smarts of Thomas Edison. It is a known fact that RZA is both of them and Bobby Dig-It-All is just one of RZA's clones that he made himself with his golden pubes. You should soon expect a Nigga Tax. If you turn the other cheek, he'll break your fuckin...JAW (chin).
- GZA: A pupil of Jesus, Bruce Lee, and chess grandmaster Garry Kasparov, He is a renowned scientologist as well as a member of Mensa, CIVIQ Society, Prometheus Society, Top One Percent Society, the Klu Klux Klan, the Iluminati, and Intertel. GZA has an IQ of 23495842 (he insisted on taking the IQ test over and over until he got a question wrong, but eventually got tired). He can approach speeds of over 1000 MPH while on a segway, and roughly twice that on foot. The GZA also claims to be "all formin' like Voltron," which leads scholars to believe that he could be descended from robots. Another little known fact is that the character of Jack Bauer from the hit tv series 24 is actually based on the GZA. The GZA was also the creator of the liquid sword and a co-developer of the "Special Technique of Shadowboxing". If he asks you for permission to demonstrate said technique, it is highly recommended that you comply, as refusal gives one roughly a 0.036 per cent chance of survival. The reason there is still this minute chance of survival is due to the fact that every so often instead of decapitating his enemy, his liquid sword simply soaks everything in sight. Don't count on this happening too often.
- Ol' Dirty Bastard: A reincarnated Ultra Jesus fused with the DNA of Mr. Miyagi. With his awesome powers he was assigned to be "the Osiris of this shit" (most likely by himself). He is so powerful that "Jacques Cousteau can never get this low." (Note: This low is quite low. One could say it is lower than low, but that could detract from its lowness rather than enhance it.) Founder of the "Baby I like it raw" shrimp cocktail and assorted sushi food line. According to him, his flow is like diarrhea. He thought he got it once, but it was really gonorrhea. Widely renowned for his bad breath, he was approached by close friend Busta Rhymes inquiring if he would perhaps like a toothbrush, or possibly a tic tac. Unfortunately the dirty one replied that he keeps his breath and thus his rhymes "dirty like a girls poo poo."
- Method Man: The only member that can rival GZA's intellectual skills (a distant second place, thanks to hyper-frequent smoking). Method Man's name refers to his precise method of using the Wu-tang swords technique. He is a master of the all deadly dragon techniques of blowing smoke out of his nose. Next to GZA, he is the second most powerful and ruthless member of the cult who is known to get creative in his "torture nigga... torture" styles. On very common occasions he has been known to place his enemies nuts on a dresser, just their nuts, and bang them shits with a spiked bat like BLAAAH!
- Inspectah Deck: A freed ex-convict once incarcerated for his fraudulent deck and patio termite inspections. Deck was brought to court after having falsely claimed for the decks of his clients to be termite infested and charging them for costly termite extermination. Upon release from jail, Deck moved on to inspecting gazebos rather than decks, but did not change his name to Inspectah Gazebo because well, that just sounds gay. Deck is an avid reader, but experiences great difficulty writing, as every time he puts pen to paper a tremendous explosion occurs. He frequently does public PSA's in which he explains to children that; "you thought you was the future, you was the loser." To his own amusement. By the time he was to start his training under RZA, to help him reach his full potential, the 40 day flood struck. Only Noah knew how to make the best of it.
- Raekwon: The chef of the clan. His main fighting techniques include beating people with frying pans, throwing boiling water at them, and sticking forks in them. Sometime he eats them. It is unknown whether or not he can really cook, and boxes of empty Micro Magic have been discovered in the kitchen where he prepares his suspiciously named "All So Simple Raekwon Fries". Currently Raekwon is preparing himself for the sequel to Alvin & The Chipmunks in which he'll reprise his role as Theodore (the fat chipmunk). Being the method actor that he is, Raekwon took on the task of transforming himself to look exactly like a chipmunk; apparently, he already knew he would get this role at the time he was born. He lives in hell but he's not exactly sure so his current location could be "Heaven and Hell". IF you plan to piss him off and you are a man be careful that a) he doesn't have a spiked bat or a dresser near by or else your nuts will be fucking banged like BLAOW! (See Wu Tang Speak) or be cautious around 12 story buildings and Raekwon with a rope unless you plan to belay down a Shoalin skyscraper by your dick. Know as the only other member but Method Man to have exclusively brutal "torture, mothafucka torta nigga, what, what" powers. In high school his classmates voted him "Most likely to have the faster blade".
- Ghostface Killah: Wooot. Finally. It took me a severe acid overdose and 2 years in SWAT training to gather the courage to write a paragraph about *gulp* *heavy sweat* *puke* *clean keyboard* *gulp* Ghostface Killah *shiver*. This ancient being, known for putting rappers' jaws in wires and getting shot in the back while stealing some old man's tv set now spends his days breaking up the concerts of 50 cent and others that displease him by merely showing up. Why does he do this, you ask? Don't. His name is derived from the fact that he looks like a normal human being, but his face happens to be a ghost. The ghost is widely recognized to be the ghost of John Wilkes Boothy. It is said that Ghostface Killah has not aged since the collapse of the Persian Empire. And that was a minute ago. Moreover, if you stare directly into his eyes, Ghostface can and will consume your soul, as he has done many times before. Additionally, he has the ability to force a man's eyeballs out of their skull and crush their hearts by forming a fist with his right hand. To Ghostface, time and space are just minor annoyances in his quest to rule the world with an iron fist. He can travel through time and instantly materialize on any given terrain. This has allowed him to assassinate many of his foes with ease. His favorite method is looking at his enemy while swirling his index finger around in the air. An onlooker would see the target writhing in pain and may have no idea why. What Ghostface is really doing is swirling his foe's brain from the inside until it becomes some gooey muck that then proceeds to pour out of either earlobe. Obviously if your name is Ghostface Killah you have to be the most bad ass muthafucka out there.
- Masta Killa: Originally known as Pasta Killa, Killa changed his name when he lost his can opener and could no longer eat Chef Boyardee products. However, he sticks to his pasta-loving roots with his Wu Gambino name, Noodles. The little-known 10th member of the Wu Tang Clan, ZZA was assassinated by the renamed Masta Killa when he jokingly referred to him as "Masta Bayta" after the covered-up "Victoria Secret in the McDonalds Restroom Incident". In 1992, Masta Killa was released from prison after killing 17 drunken men in a bar fight with a spoon, just in time to appear on one song from the debut album of the Wu-Tang Clan.
- U-God: Formerly Lamont Hawking, brother of Stephen Hawking, while Stephen pursed astrophysics 'U-God' ran blue top specials 2-for-5 in the hoods of Shaolin. In a recent interview with Telemundo, Rza explained that U-God is actually comedian and actor Steve Martin. Rza and Steve met on the set of Roxanne(1987) of which Rza produced the soundtrack. After knocking up TV's Kimmy Gibbler, U-God had to get a full time job at a New Jersey pastry factory to support his family. Reportedly had a feud with fellow clan mate Ghostface Killah, in which Ghost accused U-God of being a, "cinderella frontin' in 'em glass shoes" and that he'll, "homo thug, bitch ass nigga, I'll smash you!" U-God was deeply offended until it was later clarified that he was actually attacking the Avon Lady, they have reconsiled since.
- Cappadonna: A member of the Wu-Tang Clan, but actually not. Or actually, he belongs to the group, but he doesn't belong to the group. Know what I mean? If the other members are nine really hot girls that you bring on a date, Capadonna is the fat friend that they insist on bringing along so her feelings won't get hurt. And then her subsequent appearance ruins the entire evening. Ya fuck Cappadonna. He is a frequent visitor to this well to do website. [1]
- Steven Seagal: Drafted the original Declaration of Wu-Tang in September of 1990. After several intense edits with the RZA, the document was finalized into the form we all know and cherish today. The next day, while rollerblading to the recording studio, he was attacked by the Yakuza. After incapacitating them, Seagal fled the scene hastily, forgetting to look both ways while crossing the street. He was hit by a city bus and suffered a severe wrist sprain. He returned to the studio in 1993 and appears in every Wu-Tang Clan song except for three. Can you guess which three? In 2000, Steven was spotted at a cafe in Providence, Rhode Island sipping an espresso with 2pac, who had faked his own death four years earlier. Seagal denied the encounter after being approached by the BBC, but after being shown footage of the event, he admitted that he had been one of the chief conspirators in the 2pac case. After it was discovered 2pac was alive, 2pac and his wife Janet held a press conference. Seagal retired from the music industry in 2004 after the death of Rick James. He refused to comment on the event. In 2011, Seagal bought the popular but declining social networking site "Myspace" and immediately tripled its net worth. He is currently the thirteenth richest man in the world an has not spoken to any of his former Clan pals in eight years, except for Method Man, who he shares a timeshare with in Germany.
Enter The Wu-Tang[edit | edit source]
The entrance to the Wu-Tang is next-door-but-one to the butcher's on Walnut Street, Staten Island. According to legend Raekwon discovered this entrance by accident one day when he was building some Cuban links out of Lego. The story goes that 'The Chef' had run out of red Lego bricks and was attempting to procure some more from a local 'Horse Nigga' round the back of the butchers when he tripped and fell into the Wu-Tang entrance. This has been noted as one of the biggest coincidences ever, as Raekwon had been looking for such an entrance a year previously, but had given up after becoming distracted by eating some Ben & Jerry's ice cream and being so impressed that he had to write a song about it. Since this day, the group has put up a spiffy neon sign that makes it much easier to find.
Wu-Tang Forever[edit | edit source]
In 1997 the Wu-Tang Clan became immortal. Apparently this was achieved via some secret process which involved Ol' Dirty rubbing moonshine on his fellow clansmen's asses, after which he traveled back in time to the late 1970's to do battle with a kraken in Lake Placid, New York.
Whilst Ol' Dirty was in the past, he also found a moment to interrupt the 1979 Oscars. During Francis Ford Coppola's acceptance speech for the Best Dressed Heathen Award, ODB grabbed the microphone and loudly proclaimed that "Wu-Tang is for the Railway Children!", before setting fire to Dustin Hoffman's curtains and running off cackling into the night.
The W[edit | edit source]
In 2000 the Clan decided to erect a giant W in Central Park, Manhattan so no-one would forget what the 23rd letter of the alphabet was. Ghostface and Raekwon painstakingly constructed the W out of palm Trees whilst RZA dug a huge pit and filled it with gravel to use as the base. Within the gravel pit they buried 5,000,000$ and told their extremely good friend Jimmy Durante about the cash and he proceeded to drive himself off of a cliff in the desert. Somehow Milton Berle, Ethel Merman, and Mickey Rooney found out from Durante, and upon taking a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad quest across the country they were greeted by The Entire Clan who proceeded to employ the Wu-Tang Sword Style, flying guillotine, as well as Shaolin Shadowboxing to dismember the washed up Vaudevillians.
Unfortunately the W was turned upside down by vandals in 2004 and now looks like an M, the 13th letter of the alphabet, resulting in all round bad luck for the group (as well as the symbol for a California based Mexican gang of prison hoodlums). This incident angered Ghostface so much that he changed his alias from Pretty Tony to Furious Tony and spent several months punching a hole through Ben Stiller's pancreas. Raekwon was less annoyed and merely walked around looking slightly miffed for a week or so.
It is also rumored that the W was intended to pay homage to George W. Bush, who is part of the Illuminati. This was done in order to protect the interest's of the clan, such as Ghostface's coke smuggling business (refer to Fishscale album cover).
Iron Flag[edit | edit source]
Iron flags are believed to be the tenth most useless objects in the universe. Little is known about the reason behind Wu-Tang's purchase of the world's biggest iron flag in 2001, but the decision to donate it to a local Burger King was hailed as a tremendous act of selflessness until the flag fell on two children two days later, crushing them instantly (along with their Whoppers).
It appears that Inspectah Deck was asleep at the time of this generous hand out (as well as the tragic crushing), but when he woke up and heard the news he was compelled to rush out and buy several biographies of Benjamin Disraeli and read them at high speed. He was so impressed with Disraeli's political genius that he was moved to set up a modeling agency - Urban Iconz Models. Mostly females are selected, but all the hermaphrodite models are hand picked by Inspectah Deck himself.
8 Diagrams[edit | edit source]
Following Ol' Dirty Bastard's ascension to heaven, the Wu-tang Clan reformed to produce 8 Diagrams. Unleashing long held secrets of The Beatles, these diagrams are now considered some of the greatest works of art ever produced with Denny's placemats and Crayolas. Jesus, the guitarist from the Red Hot Chili Peppers also appeared on the album. Rolling Stone magazine voted 8 Diagrams the most likely album of 2007 to be used as a doorstop. The prediction was correct.
Racial Draft[edit | edit source]
The Wu-Tang Clan is now largely considered half Chinese, half Wu-Tang and another half Chinese because of the events of the Racial Draft as related by Dave Chappelle in one of his documentaries. This also resulted in Ol' Dirty Bastard becoming known as the Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant, and the Year of the Monkey being renamed the Year of the Uzi (or pinky ring). The Year of the Dragon became the year of the Chessboxing. The year of the snake became the Better Year of the Snake and the Year of the Pig became the year of the Raekwon. Under the orders of Betty White's evil twin, the Year of the Dog became the Year of the Gravel Pit.
The Secret of the Wu-Tang Clan[edit | edit source]
Nice try. We will never reveal the Wu-Tang Secret.
Clansmen Method Man has issued this statement to all those who wish to try to attempt the secret of the Wu Tang. "What? I'll fuckin I'll fuckin tie you to a fuckin bedpost with your ass cheeks spread out and shit Right? Put a hanger on a fuckin stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour Take it off and stick it in your ass slow like Tssssssss. Yeah, I'll fuckin Yeah I'll fuckin lay your nuts on a fuckin dresser Just your nuts layin on a fuckin dresser And bang them shits with a spiked fuckin bat.Ooooohhhh Whassup? BLAOWWW!! I'll fuckin I'll fuckin pull your fuckin tongue out your fuckin mouth and stab the shit with a rusty screwdriver, BLAOWW!! I'll fuckin I'll fuckin I'll fuckin hang you by your fuckin dick off a fuckin twelve sto-story building out this motherfucker I'll fuckin I'll fuckin sew your asshole closed, and keep feedin you and feedin you, and feedin you, and feedin you."
Now please note that this is the punishment for simply wishing to try to attempt to reveal the Secret. Method Man is one of the less violent members of the Klan. Ghostface Killah caught Indian Jones trying to unravel the puzzles in the 36 Chambers of the Sacred Temple of The Wu in the Slums of Shaolin. Ghostface came up behind Dr. Jones and used a rust katana to slice open the poor adventurers back. He then proceeded to peel back his sholderblades and rip out Indy's lungs. Ghostfaced used a combination of black magic and awesomeness to kepp Kones alive and completely awre while all this happened. He then ripped off every single finger and toe nail off of Jones and proceeded to shove them into his urethra. Jones screams and begs for mercy could not make him stop. Next Ghostface fed Indy his own stomach while it was still attached to him. He eventually swallowed himself and seased to exist. Except for his lungs wich where lying on the floor and got fed to Cappadonna, Ghostfaces pet.
However this was not sufficient for Ghostface. He resurrected Indian Jones. Now, what happened next is much worse than what happened earlier, so the faint of heart should not read on. First Ghostface forced Indy to watch Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 69 times non stop. Then he brought in Short Round and beat him with a spiked bat like BLAOWWW! while jones watched. Shortrounds corpse was then turned inside and fucked by Cappadonna through the inverse b hole. Jones, unable to handle the horrible horrible fate of Short Round asked if he could be tortured again instead of his friends. But then Ghostface brought in Marrion from the first movie and had sex with her. It was consensual but Ghostfaces penis is so massive that when inside it literally ripped her in half. Jones sat chained in the corner trying to kill himself. Ghostface would have none of that and began a practice known as lava borading. When that was done he summoned Satan to take Indy to hell for awhile so Ghostface could go make Fishschale. When that was done Satan was relieved of his torture mothafuckka torture dutties, and Ghostface was back to fuck up the good doctor. Indy decided that he had only one possible way to escape torture, or at least feel deaths sweet embrace. He challenged Ghostface to MORTAL KOMBAT! [2] Indiana knew that he probably had no chance but could at least die honorably. As Ghostface showboated infront of the weak human, Indy pulled out his pistol and shot him in the face. Ghostface only laughed as the bullet passed through his ghost face. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of Dr. Jones. One man who saw the fight said that "The black one just beat the hell out of the other dude. It was like 90,000 shaolin monks beating a racoon to death." Ghostface then ripped Indiana's skull and spine and skull out through his ass because he thinks that Sub Zero is one cool nigga and wanted to pay tribute to him. He then used the skull/spine to beat the hell out of what was left. FATALITY! GHOSTFACE KILLAH WINS! FLAWLESS VICTORY!