Ol' Dirty Bastard
Born in the second of the only two known cases of lovemaking between woman and messenger of God, Rustel Heath Dirtholomew (November 15, 1868 – November 13, 1902) was raised in a horse stable in Bruklin, Palestine by his teenage mother in the late 19th century. The product of a drunken Ouija board session that resulted in the pregnancy of his mother, Beatrice Dirtholomew, by an equally inebriated seraphim, the man posthumously known as Ol' Dirty Bastard (or Saint ODB) in fact had no mortal father.
The Unsanitary Early Years
In his youth, ODB never felt shortchanged by his lack of a father, as by virtue of his divine birth he wielded the gift of miracle-making. It was at the age of 8 when he would discover this gift, when he inadvertently cured the terminal lisp of a fellow playmate who drank from a cup of Henessy-flavored Kool-Aid ODB had been drinking. Word of this miraculous work quickly spread throughout the land, and the young ODB was soon heralded as a Chosen Child of God. This would prove to overshadow his previous reputation as a psycho-neurotic lunatic due to his erratic behavior, incoherent speech and excessive disdain for "them bitches".
Filthy Young Manhood
Having already established himself as a demi-holy incarnate, ODB decided to search for more productive means to devote his teen years to than inciting violent incidents at bars and inflicting physical harm upon himself in cocaine-induced fits of rage.
It was at the age of 25 when ODB would meet the high abbot of a secluded Tibetan temple named the RZA, who had heard of his miracle and saw his ability as profitable. ODB was welcomed with open arms into the RZA’s Rasta splinter cult called the Wu Tang Clan. With the new found support of his Wu Tang brothers, he was then able to make public the truth of his birth without the fear of being castigated for blasphemy, and made frequent references to the similarity of his birth to that of Jesus Christ when interviewed by the press, or when wallowing in his own alcohol-saturated vomit in red-light district alleyways.
The Second Miracle of Dirty
At the age of 29, ODB saved the life of a 3 year-old girl trapped under an overturned automobile. Eyewitness accounts vary, but the most widely believed of them is that he used Jedi mind power similar to that of Yoda to telekinetically lift the automobile and turn it back on its wheels, after which he promptly hotwired the car and fled from the scene until he was stopped by police while doing donuts in a rhubarb patch. Several bags containing what ODB described as "oatmeal" and "Montana Mishmash" were found in the vehicle. After this incident, it became apparent that ODB's purpose in life was to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the world's children, born and unborn, a conviction that he would repeat himself on various inappropriate occasions.
The Squalid Death of Dirty
Envied for his unearthly abilities, and loathed by millions for jack-assedness, ODB was persecuted and dealt an unjust death sentence at the age of 33 on trumped up charges of heresy. Ending his life by ritual seppuku, ODB left mankind with the enigmatic declaration of "Fuck, this shit hurt".
There are rummkors that His Dirtiness may one day return to cleanse the world and retrieve his money.
Posthumous Miracles and Sightings
- On March 24, 1969 in a hair salon in Ecuador, over 200 locals witness the oozing of a brown liquid from the rear end of a PVC Saint ODB idol enshrined behind the cash register. He claimed that it flowed like diarrhea, but it may have only been ghonorhea. This incident would come to be known as the "Brother Dirty Shits for Us" incident, and the idol draws thousands of devout pilgrims to the site every year to the present.
- On November 1st, 1988, drunken fraternity brothers of a Midwest American college report seeing a black man said to resemble Saint ODB dressed in a "magnificent robe of light" who threatened them that he would not make a "second coming" until he was provided with a "trinity of big-booty bitches". Reports were ignored by local police and the story exists today as only an urban legend.
- Over the past few months many conspiracies have begotten from the election of Barack Obama on November 8, 2008. Some believe this is the second coming of His Dirtiness, in purified form, he will come to judge the dirty and the clean. God made Dirt and Dirt bust ya ass.
- Deciphered ancient texts created by the Aztecs prophecize that on September 28 2049 ODB will finally get his money. Whether this means a second coming of ODB by 2049 is yet a subject of wide speculation. A minority of believers consider "(his) money" allegorical.