Mavis Beacon Teaches Stereotyping
 Mavis Beacon fights discrimination by being equally dickish towards everybody. | |
 Early versions of the Mavis Beacon character retained subtle elements of her original form. | |
| Mantainer(s) | United Nations |
|---|---|
| Stable release | Some |
| Preview release | N/A |
| Operating system | ZX Spectrum, Communism, and OpenBSD |
| Software license | Remarkably oppressive |
| Percentage of users | All colours, even yellow. |
Mavis Beacon Teaches Stereotyping is a series of software-based instructional guides to stereotyping as a prerequisite to racism. The first version shipped in 1957, under the title Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. The shortened title was due to a lack of fonts sufficiently small enough to render the full title on the tiny boxes that were the norm for the time. It was hoped that the release of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing would aid the civil rights movement by encouraging equality in bigotry, but technical issues led to the domination of America by Welsh Wiccans. The training managed to successfully reinforce stereotypes of most ethicities and religions consisting of more than one man with voices in his head, but a bug led to the omission of Welsh Wiccans from the software.
Origins of Mavis Beacon[edit | edit source]
Mavis Beacon was originally devised as a mascot for Wendy's, a chain of hamburger restaurants, but customers overwhelmingly expressed a preference for young red-headed girls. The Mavis Beacon character was shelved for fifteen years before being chosen as the public face of Mavis Beacon Teaches Stereotyping. Mavis Beacon, originally an angry cartoon cowboy, was refined until she became the popular face of racism, and the pornography drought of 1973 saw Mavis Beacon used regularly as a self-love aid.
The role of Mavis Beacon was for a brief period during the 1960s played by the actor Alf Garnett; the original actress returning to the role in 1965 when Garnett left to star in the popular British documentary Till Death Us Do Part.
The rise of the unintelligible new age nutjobs[edit | edit source]
Through many releases the software incorporated additional ethnicities and beliefs, but a software bug caused all statements regarding Welsh Wiccans to be entirely positive and free of bigotry. In 1993 a paid upgrade was released to address this issue. The following insulting attitudes were added:
- The Welsh suck at adding vowels to their words.
- If they spent less time shagging sheep, they'd have invented a national dish slightly more impressive than cheese on toast.
- They're not even good enough to appear in the "English, Irishman and a Scotsman" jokes.
The changes came too late. Anyone finding themselves to be neither Welsh nor in possession of flimsy new age beliefs fell under the yoke of Welsh Wiccan hegemony. Emboldened by the events across the Atlantic, the people of Wales declared independence from the union, annexing Craggy Island into the newly formed Welsh empire. Fortunately the English were well practiced in keeping the Welsh under control – the rebellion having been put down with the threat to reintroduce them to Tom Jones.
A plan to liberate America[edit | edit source]
Realising the plight faced by non-Welsh non-Wiccans of America, the European nations came together to form a plan to liberate Americans from their wirey haired oppressors. The plan for the British to provide the bulk of an invasion force was scrapped when it became clear that their military forces consisted primarily of cardboard cut-outs and actors. Spain offered their navy in support of the military, but after uproar of laughter came the grim realisation that Europe's military powers were shadows of their former selves. The European Union appealed to the United Nations who in-turn commissioned the makers of the Mavis Beacon series to develop a solution.
Mavis Beacon Teaches Bar Brawling[edit | edit source]
A new Mavis Beacon title was released to take advantage of the Irish propensity towards drunken scuffling. The course is split into the following areas of study:
- Light drinking and mild disagreements
- Adding a whiskey chaser to each round while bickering over the composition of assorted football teams
- Debating politics and religion
- Why is Pat looking at my wife?
- Does she think I don't know about her little "chats" with Brendan?
- Advanced pre-bar drinking and domestic disputes
- Broken bottles and their role in conflict resolution
Irishmen from fourteen to fifty were conscripted and brought to training pubs in which the Mavis Beacon software was made available on laptop computers. After six weeks the invasion force was readied, and within a month the Welsh were forced into a humbling peace treaty that saw them handing over the keys to Charlotte Church and promising to finally stop complaining about closed coal mines.
See also[edit | edit source]
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