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The wonder of Thetans[edit | edit source]

A mature Thetan being inserted into a human

Thetans are without time or space, the very ‘souls’ of our beings (though ‘soul’ would be a gross oversimplification, which is not at all Scientology style). Thetans exist on the life force, Tetanus. To some people this sounds familiar to the disease obtained by wounds from rusty objects or dog bites. This however, is far from the truth. When a non-Scientologist (who therefore is not in unison with it’s inner Thetan) gets bitten by a dog, or hurt by a rusty nail, a raw flow of life force is accessed, which enhances the uncontrolled Thetan to a higher state (more commonly referred to as an orgasm). One not ready for such an experience may suffer greatly from it. Thus has the experience been described as a disease.

When a person dies – or, in Scientology terms, when a Thetan abandons its physical body – they go to a landing station on the planet Venus, where the Thetan is re-implanted and told lies about it's past life and it's next life. The Venusians take the Thetan, capsule it, and send it back to Earth to be dumped into the ocean off the coast of California. According to the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, "If you can get out of that, and through that, and wander around through the cities and find some girl who looks like she is going to get married or have a baby or something like that, you're all set. And if you can find the maternity ward to a hospital or something, you're OK. And you eventually just pick up a baby. To avoid these inconveniences, Hubbard advised Scientologists to refuse to go to Venus after their death, but rather to Uranus. (leave my anus out of it I've already had Tom Cruise probing me looking for a place to hide his thetan).

Thetan's however do not inhabit the bodies of the Romany as their souls were on Earth inhabiting dinosaurs and other life long before Xenu turned up to have his 3rd annual texas-style thetan barbecue and barn dance.

(Famous) people on Thetans[edit | edit source]

Part of a series of articles on

Space Opera
The Sacred Movements
of Goa Tse

Concepts and Practices
The Force
Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Kitten Huffing

L. Ron Hubbard
Tom Cruise
Lestat de Lioncourt
Will Smith
Captain Caveman
That Creepy Scientologist
"Charity" Fund Collector Guy

You· Me · Oprah
South Park· YTMND · 4chan
The Holiday Hawk
Walken!· Rick Astley · Pacman
Horses· Italians · Anonymous


“My Thetan get’s raw Tetanus all the time!”

~ Oscar Wilde on aroused Thetans

“My Thetans more 1337 than urs!!!111”

~ Highly regarded Scientologist on Thetans

“I used to be a Thetan. Then it got kinda boring. I went on as a Saiyan from that point.”

~ Goku on Thetans

“I pity the fools!”

~ Mr. T on Thetans

“I`m not gay! I married a woman, that proves it!”

~ Tom Cruise, who is a fierce pillowbiter, catching not pitching, ask his dentist on Thetans


~ Doctor Who on Thetans

“May the Tetanus be with you.”

~ Misguided Star Wars geek on Thetans

“His Thetans level! It's over NINE-THOUSAND!”

~ Vegeta on Thetans

“We grow them ourselves on a Friday night when he (Ra) gets me wasted”

~ Hathor on Thetans

“I didn't think it was funny; whatsoever!”

~ Ally Sloper on Thetans

Training your Thetan[edit | edit source]

This simple guide is intended for those who wish to get more out of their inner Thetan. When all the instructions are followed exactly, you will know the exhileration of being a double fraud (being a fake Scientologist).

1. Measuring your Thetan[edit | edit source]

To know when you’ve raised levels or gained experience (for more on this, refer to “Pokémon”) you need your very own OT (Obnoxious Thetan) meter. The higher your OT level, the more people are aware of your awesome achievements within the Church of Scientology.

Possible OT Meter

To accomplish this you need the following:

  1. Random digits blurting device at a low price (large desktop calculators, $5 LCD games, Tamagotchi’s, bodyweight- or temperaturemeters)
  2. Coloured markers
  3. Cardboard
  4. Scissors
  5. Glue

First make sure the device you are using is reasonable broken, without losing it’s ability to blurt random numbers or shapes. After that has been accomplished, start cutting funny shapes out of the cardboard with you scissors. Colour these in fancy colours, then glue it to the device.

A highly advanced option for OT measuring


You will now forever be able to check your OT levels with your very own (nearly indistinguishable from the real thing) OT meter!

“How could they’ve known? That is highly classified information! I feel a lawsuit coming up!”

~ L. Ron Hubbard on cheap-ass OT meters

2. Gaining OT levels[edit | edit source]

Gathering OT levels is not always an easy task. For the first few levels, telling people how great it is to be aware of your inner Thetan should suffice to satisfy the “O” part in OT. To get in touch with your Thetan, however, you need to meditate. This is best done on music by the popular intergalactic band The Thetans (produced by L. Ron himself). This music is obtained through buying their albums on eBay. You however, are a fake Scientologist because you do not follow $10,000 audits, so downloading it from the internet will be good enough.

At higher levels you will need to get more in contact with your inner self (try consulting a psychiatrist) and tap into the flow of Tetanus. For those desperate in becoming a succesfull Scientologist, headbutting rusty nails is advised.

“I used to be a Thetan Warlock lvl. 51, but then my account expired because I didn’t want to pay anymore. Now they depleted my mana and cash reserves, and I am left with nothing but this bottle...”

~ Homeless Drunk on OT levels

“I pay donations for special super items which make my OT superior to everbody’s!”

~ Tom Cruise on OT levels

“This sucks even more than Microsoft!”

~ Linux user on OT levels

“Yeah. I was like at lvl. 32 this one time, and then I forgot to save. So I called the SS (Scientology Supportcenter) to help me. They said I had to go through another audit program to regain status, which of course was ridiculously expensive. HA! No way I’m gonna pay loads of money for a crappy program. Seriously, who does that anyway?”

~ Bill Gates on OT levels

3.0 Thetan Rights[edit | edit source]

A modern-day E-Meter is used to rile up the Thetans and give them something to fixate upon. If it starts to spark when in use, contact an OT-20 immediately.

It was recently found out that even Thetans have rights and that the Church of Scientology was racist and bigoted against Thetans who only want a human body to live in as their home. Tom Cruise explains his religion using cartoons and his acting ability that is his super power.

Now pay close attention to what the video shows. Sure Xenu froze the Thetans and exploded them with nukes on Volcanoes and then subjected them to brainwashing movies like Hollywood does with movies like "Battlefield Earth" and Tom Cruise movies to human beings.

But look here, Thetans once had rights I believe, and we are told they were sophonts or human like beings who got mass murdered by Xenu via his genocide program. Now even if Xenu used soul suckers or whatever to trap them on Earth in human bodies, I believe that Thetans still have rights. The human body is their home, and they have a legal right to be there.

We mean in a day and age when we debate over illegal aliens having legal rights, what about the real illegal aliens the Thetans that are trapped in all of our bodies unless we undergo the bigoted Operating Thetan Level treatment to destroy or kick out the illegal Thetan aliens?

Now when the USA was founded we had to compromise on slavery to form the USA, but we learned from it we should have never allowed slavery to be legal. So this OT treatment by Scientology is racist, bigoted, and does a mass murder if not genocide of innocent Thetans who only wanted a host body to live in and where brainwashed and abused and murdered by Xenu.

But they claim Thetans make you sick, gay, stupid, and other stuff? But these claims have never been put to the scientific method nor reproduced. IWe say the Thetans actually help you and only people with schizophrenia or schizophrenia type illnesses can see Thetans and communicate with them.

Tom Cruise may tell you that removing your Thetans makes you a super hero. But I think he is starting to believe his own Hollywood movies are true. Notice how much of a retard, goofball, and buffoon he became after getting rid of his Thetans. Don't believe me? See the truth for yourselves!

Well the Flying Spaghetti Monster started up a Spiritual Homeless Shelter for the Thetans who got abused and kicked out of human bodies by Scientology. I believe other religions are now joining in the Thetan Rights and building spiritual homeless shelters for the Thetans.