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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Zoology portal
Your comprehensive guide to the animalia around you.
The animal pictured is the elusive Trichechus Tuberosum.
"I've heard of such creatures, although I've never seen one," said noted animal expert Jack Hanna as he brought his thumb to his mouth and moved his head backward, imitating a man drinking from a bottle. "People I know who work in zoos have brought me grainy pictures, some purporting to be of the creature shuffling along in a slow walk. My good-natured skepticism and country-bumpkin persona won't allow me to believe any of my friends and co-workers on this subject, so I'm going to take a wait-and-see approach," Hanna said as he rolled his eyes, stuck his tongue out, and put one finger to the side of his head, making rapid circles around his ear.

Highlighted Animal

A Dead Rat can provide companionship.
A Dead Rat is a fine choice as a pet. If well cared for, it can provide many years of companionship, all the while making very minimal demands on you, its new owner. If you've had other pets in the past, you'll find that Dead Rats are truly exceptional companion animals. With a very small investment of your time and money, they can become almost entirely self reliant, while still being there for you 100% of the time. Unlike some other pets, which would prefer to spend some nights outside the home hunting for small game, or which may want to spend part of the day sleeping and don't want to be awakened, Dead Rats will never leave you alone, and will never object to being awakened from a nap.

Acquiring your Dead Rat If you haven't yet acquired your Dead Rat, or if you're thinking of bringing home a few more Dead Rats, you should give some thought to what sort of Dead Rat will best suit your needs. There are several ways to obtain Dead Rats, and which one you choose will depend on exactly what sort of rat you want.

Roadkill - By far the cheapest and easiest method for obtaining a Dead Rat! Just look for a dead rat lying in the road, and take it home. (more...)

Article Credit: Snarglefoop View All

Creature Feature

A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. (more...)

Article Credit: Ghelae View All

Further Reading


Zoological News

Anatomy of a cockpunch.jpg
Cockpunching will not be featured. However, if you are interested, this is how you would do it.

NEW YORK, NY -- Today, Central Park Zoo in New York City announced that it would be abandoning the concept of the "petting zoo" and replacing it with a new "punching zoo," in which small children will be allowed to punch, and otherwise abuse, small animals.

The move will likely revolutionize the petting zoo business, which has been steadily declining in recent years. The CEO of central park zoo, T.J. Abram, explains, "Nobody really cared about petting zoos anymore. I mean, seriously, why would any child want to be gentle and loving to a small animal? That implies that human beings actually CARE about the natural world!" At this point, Abram laughed derisively. "I realized that, if petting zoos were to continue doing business in this world, we'd have to change our business model drastically. So I decided to reform our zoo so it was now based on recreational animal abuse!" (more...)

Article Credit: THE View All

Highlighted Image

Fire Breathing Dolphins
Image Credit: Erviltnec
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Petting Zoo

An amateur seal clubbing team in South Africa during practice.
Seal Clubbing is a team-based sport popular in northern Canada, Greenland, Norway and Russia. It is the third most popular sport in Canada after hockey and moose bludgeoning, as well as the official sport of the Territory of Nunavut. Seal clubbing has remained “in the fringe” for most of its history, although it has recently been catapulted into the limelight due to a great deal of negative press it has received regarding the safety of its players.

Seal clubbing began as a native Inuit game. Feuding tribes would meet at a designated area, select a number of seal pups, and bludgeon them to death with blunt clubs en masse as a means of resolving disputes. When it became apparent that such a practice was detrimental to the seal population—upon which the Inuit livelihood depended—the Inuit halted seal clubbing as a means of conflict resolution, opting instead for bludgeoning each other. Seal clubbing, however, survived as a recreational sport. (more...)

Image Credit: Guildensternenstein View All
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