Portal:Zoology
The Zoology Portal
Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.
Highlighted Animal
 |
| Marmots can smell fear. There is only one thing marmots feed on more than nuts, and that is human fear. |
The Marmot or Le Marmót in French, is the smallest, but by far the most dangerous member of the bear family. Marmots are bears that have mutated as a result of exposure to high levels of radiation. One of the deadliest animals in the world, the elusive marmot stalks it's prey, and can consume up to eight times it's body weight. It is interesting to note that a pack of wild marmots will regularly devour a small elephant in one sitting, and contrary to popular belief, it is not the tiger that is the most dangerous to the African population - it is the Nigerian Marmot that claims more victims.
Marmots on the Attack
Marmots roam the wilds of the northern, central and western parts of the South African Peninsula in small packs. They mainly inhabit deep forests and sparsely wooded mountains, but will hunt the open desert plains and farm pastures when food becomes scarce. They prey on the domesticated animals of farmers, or even the farmers themselves if that is easier. Marmots are also known to infect both cattle and humans with the incurable disease lysdexia.
| Archive | Article credit: Zana Dark | (more ) |
Creature Feature
 |
| A fine specimen of this fish-like abomination. |
The piranha (pronounced Pu-Ron-Uh) is a species of aquatic carnivore. They may look like something you put in your fish tank, but they are not. Piranhas are small fish-like monsters with really big teeth. They are extremely vicious creatures and evil masterminds that are plotting revenge against the world right now. Trust me, they WILL kill you!
History
Nobody is really sure where piranhas came from, although there are many theories.
One theory is that some guy kept flushing goldfish down his toilet. The sewer pipes led to hell, where the goldfish were possessed by demons. They then swam back up the pipes just when a guy was about to take a dump. The poor man sucker was eaten alive ass first! It was then the piranhas acquired their taste for flesh.
Another theory is that piranhas are descendants of the grues. As if the grues weren't evil enough, they wanted to evolve into aquatic creatures. So they started jumping into the ocean and mating with fish. As a result, piranhas were born.
A third theory is that piranhas are yet another abomination spawned upon our world by mad science.
| Archive | Article credit: Platypush | (more ) |
Further Reading
- Printer
- Chimney
- Oxford Animal Lab
- Why?:Do Florida's animals suck?
- Corkscrew
- Talking animals
- Roadkill
- Animal Collective
- Recent developments in Crypto-Zoology
- Cruelty to animals
- Animals with feet war with animals with no feet
- Tail
- Incertae sedis
- Landlord
- Stum-stum-stim stones and potoos
- Retarded animal (Disambigation)
- Rat
- Kitten
- Andy (goose)
- Template:Critter
- Bovine
- Anenome
Zoological News
 |
| Toby in happier times. |
The government of Mali has been forced to apologise after a camel, given to French President François Hollande as a present, was eaten by a local who later described the beast as 'delicious'.
President Hollande was given Toby the camel in February as a gesture of thanksgiving after France had sent troops to Mali to regain the north from a loose coalition of militant Islamist groups. As is traditional when Western leaders receive weird shit from the natives, Hollande smiled bravely, made a good natured joke, and promptly left the camel with a nearby family, to be "taken care of".
The head of that local family, Dioncounda Yamyam, took care of Toby particularly well for about 10 minutes, posing for photos, before stabbing him through the brain with a dagger and making him into a tagine.
The incident has caused much embarrassment in Mali, and Yamyam was forced into hiding. He told us, "I am really sorry, but when he said 'take care of this for me' I thought he meant it in the Mafia sense.…
| Archive | Article credit: Leverage | (more...) |
Highlighted Image
 | |||
|
Polly wants a cracker and a worm. A Ritz cracker, don't be stingy.
|
Petting Zoo
 |
| An amateur seal clubbing team in South Africa during practice. |
Seal Clubbing is a team-based sport popular in northern Canada, Greenland, Norway and Russia. It is the third most popular sport in Canada after hockey and moose bludgeoning, as well as the official sport of the Territory of Nunavut. Seal clubbing has remained “in the fringe” for most of its history, although it has recently been catapulted into the limelight due to a great deal of negative press it has received regarding the safety of its players.
Seal clubbing began as a native Inuit game. Feuding tribes would meet at a designated area, select a number of seal pups, and bludgeon them to death with blunt clubs en masse as a means of resolving disputes. When it became apparent that such a practice was detrimental to the seal population—upon which the Inuit livelihood depended—the Inuit halted seal clubbing as a means of conflict resolution, opting instead for bludgeoning each other. Seal clubbing, however, survived as a recreational sport.
| Archive | Article credit: Guildensternenstein | (more ) |
More Portals
Portals complement main topics in Uncyclopedia that nobody cares about, and expand upon topics that nobody cares even less about.
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
The Portals portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia
