Portal:Zoology

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Zoology portal
Your comprehensive guide to the animalia around you.
The animal pictured is the elusive Trichechus Tuberosum.
"I've heard of such creatures, although I've never seen one," said noted animal expert Jack Hanna as he brought his thumb to his mouth and moved his head backward, imitating a man drinking from a bottle. "People I know who work in zoos have brought me grainy pictures, some purporting to be of the creature shuffling along in a slow walk. My good-natured skepticism and country-bumpkin persona won't allow me to believe any of my friends and co-workers on this subject, so I'm going to take a wait-and-see approach," Hanna said as he rolled his eyes, stuck his tongue out, and put one finger to the side of his head, making rapid circles around his ear.
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Highlighted Animal

File:Bear-e2.jpg
A passing ruffian.
Bears are far more intimately associated with the avocation of shystering than one might expect. After developing the concept of imaginary numbers, and inventing a four-dimensional analogue to the Rubik's Cube (constructed entirely of time and pressed ham), bears found themselves bored and undertook to learn the way of the gavel. Ever since, a growing proportion of our nation's most effective judges and advocates have been bears - among them renowned early-20th-century judge Learned Paw and trial counsel Clarence Darrow (who, in the celebrated Scopes "monkey trial" of 1925, decimated William Jennings Bryan's anti-evolutionary campaign by turning into a human over the course of closing arguments). This article spotlights just a few examples of the intimate linkage between pomaded, sanctimonious alcoholics and Giant Furry Blobs of Imminent Death (trademark pending).

Property - Real property

Historically, the Anglo-American common law has recognized two broad categories of easement (i.e., an interest in real property, divorced from fee ownership and consisting in a right to use the property for specified purposes). These are the easement appurtenant and the easement in gross. With bears' growing demands for civil rights and increasing participation in human society…  (more...)

Article Credit: Cruella McYummypants View All
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Creature Feature

File:fishtifer.jpeg
A fine specimen of this fish-like abomination.
The piranha (pronounced Pu-Ron-Uh) is a species of aquatic carnivore. They may look like something you put in your fish tank, but they are not. Piranhas are small fish-like monsters with really big teeth. They are extremely vicious creatures and evil masterminds that are plotting revenge against the world right now. Trust me, they WILL kill you!

History

Nobody is really sure where piranhas came from, although there are many theories.

One theory is that some guy kept flushing goldfish down his toilet. The sewer pipes led to hell, where the goldfish were possessed by demons. They then swam back up the pipes just when a guy was about to take a dump. The poor man sucker was eaten alive ass first! It was then the piranhas acquired their taste for flesh.

Another theory is that piranhas are descendants of the grues. As if the grues weren't evil enough, they wanted to evolve into aquatic creatures. So they started jumping into the ocean and mating with fish. As a result, piranhas were born.

A third theory is that piranhas are yet another abomination spawned upon our world by mad science.  (more...)

Article Credit: Platypush View All
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Further Reading

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Zoological News

File:Camel.jpeg
Toby in happier times.

The government of Mali has been forced to apologise after a camel, given to French President François Hollande as a present, was eaten by a local who later described the beast as 'delicious'.

President Hollande was given Toby the camel in February as a gesture of thanksgiving after France had sent troops to Mali to regain the north from a loose coalition of militant Islamist groups. As is traditional when Western leaders receive weird shit from the natives, Hollande smiled bravely, made a good natured joke, and promptly left the camel with a nearby family, to be "taken care of".

The head of that local family, Dioncounda Yamyam, took care of Toby particularly well for about 10 minutes, posing for photos, before stabbing him through the brain with a dagger and making him into a tagine.

The incident has caused much embarrassment in Mali, and Yamyam was forced into hiding. He told us, "I am really sorry, but when he said 'take care of this for me' I thought he meant it in the Mafia sense.  (more...)

Article Credit: Leverage View All
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Highlighted Image

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Petting Zoo

File:RatCannon.jpg
The decisive moment.
The SOAFARFACC is a contest held annually all across Sweden except when it isn't. It attracts orienteering fans and people who enjoy firing rats from cannons worldwide. The contest lasts for a month during which there is much dancing, playing of marching tunes and of course - juggling. The winner is chosen according to their orienteering skills and the gracefulness of the rat's arc into oblivion.

The Game

The object of the game is to successfully carry a rat from Ystad, in the south of Sweden, to Jokkmokk in the north. Contestants must find their way across the treacherous Swedish terrain using only a map and compass. They are not allowed to buy food or drinks during the journey and must instead catch meatballs in their mouths that are thrown from kitchen windows by local residents.  (more...)

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