Portal:Zoology

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Zoology portal

Your comprehensive guide to the animalia around you.

The animal pictured is the elusive Trichechus Tuberosum.

CATEGORIES: Animals - Beasts - Birds - Extinct Animals - Fish - Mammals - Monsters - Pets - Reptiles - Underwater Creatures - Zoology - All...

"I've heard of such creatures, although I've never seen one," said noted animal expert Jack Hanna as he brought his thumb to his mouth and moved his head backward, imitating a man drinking from a bottle. "People I know who work in zoos have brought me grainy pictures, some purporting to be of the creature shuffling along in a slow walk. My good-natured skepticism and country-bumpkin persona won't allow me to believe any of my friends and co-workers on this subject, so I'm going to take a wait-and-see approach," Hanna said as he rolled his eyes, stuck his tongue out, and put one finger to the side of his head, making rapid circles around his ear.

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Bears and the Law

A passing ruffian.

Bears are far more intimately associated with the avocation of shystering than one might expect. After developing the concept of imaginary numbers, and inventing a four-dimensional analogue to the Rubik's Cube (constructed entirely of time and pressed ham), bears found themselves bored and undertook to learn the way of the gavel. Ever since, a growing proportion of our nation's most effective judges and advocates have been bears - among them renowned early-20th-century judge Learned Paw and trial counsel Clarence Darrow (who, in the celebrated Scopes "monkey trial" of 1925, decimated William Jennings Bryan's anti-evolutionary campaign by turning into a human over the course of closing arguments). This article spotlights just a few examples of the intimate linkage between pomaded, sanctimonious alcoholics and Giant Furry Blobs of Imminent Death (trademark pending).

Property - Real property

Historically, the Anglo-American common law has recognized two broad categories of easement (i.e., an interest in real property, divorced from fee ownership and consisting in a right to use the property for specified purposes). These are the easement appurtenant and the easement in gross. With bears' growing demands for civil rights and increasing participation in human society… (more...)

Article Credit: Cruella McYummypants

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Creature Feature

Grue

OMG, RUN!!

A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. (more...)

Article Credit: Ghelae

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Zoological News

JAKARTA, Indonesia

Sumatran Tiger Saves Man

A rare Sumatran tiger dragged a man out of a fight in an Indonesian village and saved his life from friends who had tried to kill him, an official said Monday.

The 26-year-old man, identified as Darmilus, was attacked Sunday while he and seven friends were playing cards in a makeshift hut in Seponjen village near the protected Berbak National Park, a known tiger habitat.

The seven friends lost over 2 million Indonesian Rupiah to Darmilus, and, feeling cheated, set upon the man with intent to kill him and recover their lost fortune.

“Darmilus was being beaten close to the door when a Sumatran tiger suddenly grabbed him and dragged him outside”, said Nurazman, an official with Jambi Province conservation agency. “His friends managed to pursue him but the tiger fought them off.”

“After chasing away the seven would-be murderers, and attending to Darmilus’ wounds, the tiger finally ran away, leaving him at the nearest Church of Good Hope”, said Nurazman, who just wouldn’t shut up. (more...)

Article Credit: Funnybony

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Fire Breathing Dolphins

Fire breathing dolphins invade Florida coast. Global Warming to blame?

Image Credit: Erviltnec

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Petting Zoo

A common technique is to use a Unicorn Lure™, available from UniTech©...

It's not easy to kill a unicorn. From far away, and even from up close, unicorns are real pretty n' shit. But if you know unicorns like I don't, you would have a real problem with em. FUCA has been recruiting people to our cause for a century with a list of complaints we have against unicorns, a book of recipes, sex positions, a map of unicorn hideouts, and a list of reasons to hunt unicorns in the first place.

The most important reason to want to bring down one of these creatures is for the horn. There are a lot of different theories on what the horn is filled with, but I can tell you right now, it's gotta be worth something. If you tear the horn off the unicorn's head and sprinkle its contents all over the place, you'll be able to fly. (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek

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Animal Category Guide

A listing of Animal Categories & Animal Image Categories on Uncyclopedia.

Birds

Chickens - Ducks - (Eagle Images) - (Large Flightless Bird Images) - (Owl Images) - Penguins - (Turkey Images)

Cats (Images)

Big Cats (Images) - Cartoon Cats - (Cat & Dog Images) - (Garfield Images) - Kittens - LOL Cats - Ruffles the Tiger

Invertebrates

Arthropods (Images) - (Cephalopod Images) - Crustaceans - Insects - Snails

Mammals (Images)

Aardvarks - Apes - Badgers - Bears - Dogs (Images) - Elephants (Images) - Gerbils - Hyenas - Marsupials (Images) - Monkeys (Images) - Pandas - Rabbits (Images) - Rodents (Images) - Whales (Images) - Walruses - Weasels

Reptiles

Crocodiles - Dinosaurs - Dragons - Lizards - Snakes - Snakes on a Plane - Turtles (Images)

Other Vertebrates

Sharks - Fish - Amphibians - Newts

Ungulates

Bovines - Deer (Images) - Goats (Images) - Hippos (Images) - Horses (Images) - Llamas (Images) - Pigs (Images) - Sheep (Images)

Whatnot

Animals That Should be Extinct - Extinct Animals (Images) - Furries (Images) - (Hybrid Animal Images) - Mobians (Images) - Monsters - Pokemon (Images) - Wookiees

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