The Norwegian Short-Tailed Yak Bear
, not to be confused with the polar bear
or the Seventeen spotted eastern-most blue-nailed field wallaby
, is an animal best described as the result of a one night stand between an elephant
and an owl with antlers, or a large fluffy rabbit
that isn't. It is the northern hemisphere equivalent of the impala antelope of Africa.
The Norwegian short-tailed yak bear is a very unusual animal, vaguely resembling a yak but more closely something that isn't that at all. Males, called stags, may grow over four feet tall and up to two hundred pounds, while females, usually known as nullers or bunties (pronounced boon-tees), rarely grow half as large. Both genders have the same dense, oily coat of white fur and a small, somewhat undeveloped but nevertheless functional trunk, reminiscent of an elephant's, but only stags have tusks. By the time a stag is fourteen or fifteen years old, his randomly forking tusks may weigh over 100 pounds and are often twisted and entwined around most of his body, sometimes preventing feeding and often preventing him from laying down, or in some cases walking or breathing. These tusks have little purpose, as females seem quite indifferent to them and they are far too large to be used in fighting… (more...)
) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves
, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah
, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not
often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen
. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness
, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.
It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.
There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. (more...)