Portal:Zoology

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The Zoology Portal

Zoology (not to be confused with zooology (the study of animal enclosures) or zoooology (the study of animal eggs)) is the study of animals themselves, and the determination of how they can best be exploited by humans and other extraterrestrial lifeforms.

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Highlighted Animal

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Marmots can smell fear. There is only one thing marmots feed on more than nuts, and that is human fear.

The Marmot or Le Marmót in French, is the smallest, but by far the most dangerous member of the bear family. Marmots are bears that have mutated as a result of exposure to high levels of radiation. One of the deadliest animals in the world, the elusive marmot stalks it's prey, and can consume up to eight times it's body weight. It is interesting to note that a pack of wild marmots will regularly devour a small elephant in one sitting, and contrary to popular belief, it is not the tiger that is the most dangerous to the African population - it is the Nigerian Marmot that claims more victims.

Marmots on the Attack

Marmots roam the wilds of the northern, central and western parts of the South African Peninsula in small packs. They mainly inhabit deep forests and sparsely wooded mountains, but will hunt the open desert plains and farm pastures when food becomes scarce. They prey on the domesticated animals of farmers, or even the farmers themselves if that is easier. Marmots are also known to infect both cattle and humans with the incurable disease lysdexia.…

Archive Article credit: Zana Dark (more…)
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Creature Feature

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OMG, RUN!!

A Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen.

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars.…

Archive Article credit: Ghelae (more…)


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Further Reading

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Zoological News

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Toby in happier times.

The government of Mali has been forced to apologise after a camel, given to French President François Hollande as a present, was eaten by a local who later described the beast as 'delicious'.

President Hollande was given Toby the camel in February as a gesture of thanksgiving after France had sent troops to Mali to regain the north from a loose coalition of militant Islamist groups. As is traditional when Western leaders receive weird shit from the natives, Hollande smiled bravely, made a good natured joke, and promptly left the camel with a nearby family, to be "taken care of".

The head of that local family, Dioncounda Yamyam, took care of Toby particularly well for about 10 minutes, posing for photos, before stabbing him through the brain with a dagger and making him into a tagine.

The incident has caused much embarrassment in Mali, and Yamyam was forced into hiding. He told us, "I am really sorry, but when he said 'take care of this for me' I thought he meant it in the Mafia sense.…

Archive Article credit: Leverage (more...)
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Highlighted Image

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Petting Zoo

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The decisive moment.

The SOAFARFACC is a contest held annually all across Sweden except when it isn't. It attracts orienteering fans and people who enjoy firing rats from cannons worldwide. The contest lasts for a month during which there is much dancing, playing of marching tunes and of course - juggling. The winner is chosen according to their orienteering skills and the gracefulness of the rat's arc into oblivion.

The Game

The object of the game is to successfully carry a rat from Ystad, in the south of Sweden, to Jokkmokk in the north. Contestants must find their way across the treacherous Swedish terrain using only a map and compass. They are not allowed to buy food or drinks during the journey and must instead catch meatballs in their mouths that are thrown from kitchen windows by local residents.…

Archive Article credit: Hardwick Fundlebuggy (more…)


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