Portal:People
The following text is from a pamphlet which was seen drifting down from a clear sky one Sunday afternoon. It's not known what sort of creature might have dropped it, but it was apparently something which lives in the sky.
People make the very best pets! They're more affectionate than pythons, they're easier to litter train than guinea pigs, they take up less space than elephants, and they don't need a fancy salt water filtration system in their tank the way dolphins do. Furthermore, unlike trees, they're mobile, so you can easily take them with you when you move. If you don't want your pet to die, get a human! They can live over 100 years! There are a few things you should know in order to get the most out of your human, and that's what this page is for. It contains everything you need to know to get off to a good start! (See more...)
Our Lord and Saviour, Horatio 'Cyclops' Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, KB (29 September 1758 – 21 October 1805), was Great Britain's greatest naval hero who beat the French, Spanish and Danish fleets and still had enough energy to grapple with Emma Hamilton on his days off. He was the only man that Emperor Napoleon said was a bigger bastard than him (by about two inches) and died discussing stubborn shirt stains at the Battle of Trafalgar.
Horatio Nelson was born with a full compliment of arms, legs and eyes in Norfolk, England in 1758 to the Reverend Edmund Nelson and wife Catherine. His father - taking the Christian maxim about going forth and multiplying - kept his wife in almost constant labour as he
wanted to breed a 'Cricket eleven'. Horatio came in to 'bat' as number six which usually means he was a bit of an 'all rounder'. In British naval terms this also suggested sexual ambiguity but Nelson was definitely keener on frocks and kept a chest of contemporary fashions in his cabin when he became an officer.
- A man with no head has just swam across the English channel, "He's accomplished his dream!" onlookers presume
- Perfidious EU members kidnap Donald Trump, turn him into a walrus, Trump surprisingly okay with it (Pictured)
- Michigan man has just earned his 29th degree, is still jobless
- Local Twister game fails to turn sexual, to the chagrin of Wisconsin man.
- U.K's first hand transplant patient masturbates for the first time, has crisis of sexuality after technically being wanked by another man
- Oregon man is first to forget 9/11, "It's a lot to remember!" he says suspiciously...
- ... that Penn and Teller have performed at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas for the last 20 years, and will bring towels and soft drinks to your room if asked politely?
- ... that if you're lucky, the skippers at Disney's Jungle Cruise will skip the jokes entirely and just stare at you in silence?
- ... that in response to rumors that Hitler has only got one ball, Nazi Germany released a song called, "Hitler has two, perhaps three, very large testes"?
- ... that Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, was famous for his brilliant strategy of firing where the enemy ship will be, rather than where it is?
- ... that one of the major themes in Kurt Vonnegut's work was that technology is almost always beneficial and will cause no harm to humanity?
| “ | The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. | ” |
— G-Man
| ||
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