Portal:People
The following text is from a pamphlet which was seen drifting down from a clear sky one Sunday afternoon. It's not known what sort of creature might have dropped it, but it was apparently something which lives in the sky.
People make the very best pets! They're more affectionate than pythons, they're easier to litter train than guinea pigs, they take up less space than elephants, and they don't need a fancy salt water filtration system in their tank the way dolphins do. Furthermore, unlike trees, they're mobile, so you can easily take them with you when you move. If you don't want your pet to die, get a human! They can live over 100 years! There are a few things you should know in order to get the most out of your human, and that's what this page is for. It contains everything you need to know to get off to a good start! (See more...)
Jeffrey Epstein was a businessman, philanthropist, educator, feminist and child rights advocate. He was well known for his charitable work, his success in the finance sector, and his tropical work-study program, which gave socioeconomically disadvantaged young girls the opportunity to meet the foremost leaders in business, politics, and science, so that they can learn from their example and become the next generation of girlbosses.
Because of Epstein's strength of character and moral integrity, he managed to live sixty-six long years without raping a single child. Epstein was posthumously granted the title of Knight Commander of the British Empire (KBE) by Prince Andrew, Duke of York, for this commendable show of restraint.
On August 10, 2019, after a long and tumultuous battle with depression, Epstein took his own life, by strangling himself while swandiving headfirst into the concrete floor of his prison cell approximately seven or eight times.
- A man with no head has just swam across the English channel, "He's accomplished his dream!" onlookers presume
- Perfidious EU members kidnap Donald Trump, turn him into a walrus, Trump surprisingly okay with it (Pictured)
- Michigan man has just earned his 29th degree, is still jobless
- Local Twister game fails to turn sexual, to the chagrin of Wisconsin man.
- U.K's first hand transplant patient masturbates for the first time, has crisis of sexuality after technically being wanked by another man
- Oregon man is first to forget 9/11, "It's a lot to remember!" he says suspiciously...
- ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
- ... that one of the major themes in Kurt Vonnegut's work was that technology is almost always beneficial and will cause no harm to humanity?
- ... that New York financier Jeffrey Epstein opened a school for impoverished young girls somewhere in the Caribbean?
- ... that one of the major themes in Kurt Vonnegut's work was that technology is almost always beneficial and will cause no harm to humanity?
- ... that if you're lucky, the skippers at Disney's Jungle Cruise will skip the jokes entirely and just stare at you in silence?
| “ | No day goes by where I am not tempted to return to my inborn nature. What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? | ” |
— Paarthurnax, leader of the Greybeards
| ||
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