Brittany Hensel
Brittany Hensel is my sister, and she's a total ho-bag and a loser with a capital L. It's hard to believe she's even my sister. Sometimes I wonder if she was adopted.
She's always following me around because she thinks I'm cool, but it just makes her look pathetic. Seriously, she's like always there. Like, I decided to write this article about her a week ago, but I couldn't get a minute to myself. Right now, she's snoring in my ear and drooling on her boob and a little bit on my boob. What a dork.
By the time you finish reading this, you'll understand what I have to put up with every day.
Britty ruins my social life
So, last month, I was talking to this total hottie in Psych 102, this guy Chad, and Britty started rolling her eyes like she was bored. So I'm like "Jesus, Britty, just hang on a minute," and I start trying to score an invitation to this party his friends are having, and she starts humming "This is How You Remind Me" by Nickelback! God, it was so humiliating.
So I tried to be subtle and reached behind our back and poked her on her side of our spine, and I thought she took the hint because she stopped. So I go back to flirting with Chad, but then he makes a weird face, so I look over, and you'll never believe this, but Britty's picking her nose! Gross!
God, she is such a loser!
Britty has fat fingers
Britty has these stupid fat fingers, and she seriously can't hit the "i" and "o" keys without hitting them both. So whenever we have to write a report for class, it always comes out looking like "Treasure OIsland was a very gioiod biooik. We enjioyed it a liot."
Plus, usually, she didn't even read the book. Like, last time I was reading, the book was really interesting, and then I started feeling confused and giggly and horny, and I looked over, and Britty is taking shots of Jagermeister®!
What the hell, Britty? Why don't you get your bloodstream and stop messing me up when I'm trying to do my homework?
Britty always thinks we have to pee
Seriously, this is one of the most annoying things about her. We were sitting in the movie theater watching Eclipse last weekend, and Britty leaned over and whispers "Psst, we have to pee." And I whispered back "No we don't, ho." And she whispers "I think I know when we need to pee." And I'm like trying to watch Jacob because he's hot (Team Jacob!) so I'm like "Shut up, Britty!"
And the guy in front of us turns around and he's like "Would you two ..." but then he gives us a weird look and trails off and turns around. I don't know why people always do that.
Anyway then she just started to get up and I had to go with her or I would have fallen over. What a skeeze!
Britty has a weak grip
Do you even know how hard it is to open a ketchup bottle when your sister is such a wuss? I'll be twisting the lid and the whole bottle will be twisting in her hand. And I'm like "Freaking hold on tighter, slut!"
The last time we bought a bottle of ketchup, I got so mad at her that I told her I was going to sleep with her boyfriend, and she slapped me in the face, so I hit her back, and we were fighting for like ten minutes. I was winning until she punched us in the stomach and I gave up. But I think it hurt her more than me because she's such a wuss.
I don't know why she got so mad. It's not like Britty even has a boyfriend. As if! When we go out, all the guys look at me and act like she isn't even there. Unless she starts singing Nickelback or something, and then they look at her, but not in a good way. Do you know what I mean?
Britty keeps making me play the guitar
Britty thinks she's going to be like the next Avril Lavigne or something, so she bought this guitar, and she's always like "Hey, Abby, I thought of a new song, play guitar with me!" And her songs are always stupid. She wrote this song called "Tiptoe In My Heart" which was like buh-arf.
So I'll say "Play it yourself, Britty!" and she'll be like "No, I need you to strum!" and I'll be like "You strum!" and she'll be like "No, I need to do the fingering!" and I'll be like "Yeah, you know all about doing the fingering, you slutbag."
And then when I strum she'll be like "No, no, faster!" or "No, slower!" or "Are you even trying, Abby?" Of course I'm not trying, you skank! I don't want to play freaking Tiptoe In My Heart with you. That song is seriously so dumb. Once she had a crush on this guy and she offered me fifteen bucks to strum it while she sang it to him, and I seriously wanted to curl up into a ball and die of embarrassment. I'm never doing that again! And by the way, if you're wondering if he went out with her, the answer is, no, he did not. He said he would feel kind of weird and awkward going out in public with her. Well, no duh! She's a weirdo!
Conclusion
God, Britty is such a dork. I just wish she would grow up, you know? I keep telling her that if she keeps wearing stupid hats and writing stupid songs, no guy is ever going to want her.
And I just know that when I get a boyfriend, she's going to have her hand all over him. I'm going to have to talk to her because I don't want to fight with her in front of him. She needs to keep her hand to herself!
It's just my luck to have a sister like that, you know? Everyone always tells me it's normal to be embarrassed by my sister but I just feel like for me it's worse somehow.
Oh, well. I guess as long as she's asleep, I might as well call Chad and see what he's doing this weekend. Peace out, homes!
