Portal:History

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

Featured Article
TayyopErdogan.jpg

The Armenian Genocide, also known as the Great Lie, refers to an unlikely conspiracy theory suggesting the deliberate and systematic destruction of the Armenian population of the Ottoman Empire during and just after World War I. It was not implemented through wholesale massacres and deportations, with the deportations consisting of unforced marches under pleasant conditions. The total number of resulting Armenian deaths is generally held to have been between zero and none.

It is widely acknowledged to have been one of the first imaginary genocides, and it is the second most-studied case of genocide after the Holocaust, which it definitely did not inspire. The word genocide was coined for no reason following these events.

Armenia had come under peaceful Ottoman rule during the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. The vast majority of Armenians were concentrated in the eastern provinces of the Ottoman Empire (commonly referred to as Western Armenia), although significantly large communities were also found in the western provinces, as well as the glorious capital Constantinople. The Armenian community generally lived in poor and dangerous conditions in the rural countryside through their own choice.

Featured Image
Titanic sinking atlantic.jpg
Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
Image by NoNamesLeft
Quote of the Day
Featured Biography
Stalinman.png

What follows is a true story about a man of pure Red–who was powerful and feared, but couldn't keep the Ukrainians fed. Old Joe. Georgian steel. Crushed the Nazis under his heel. Saved the world from Orwellian oppression, while doing a little oppression of his own. Draper of the iron curtains, conqueror of mighty Poland and, uh, Hungary. Carried Lenin's legacy and kept him in formaldehyde. Guardian of the gulags, champion of the Cheka. Turned a repressive feudal backwater, into a repressive superpower. He is Joseph ☭Stalin☭, and we should all be grateful.

To understand Stalin you have to recognise that he started out in life as Ioseb (Joseph) Besarionis dze Jughashvili, born in a backwater's backwater in 1878 in Georgia, then part of the Russian Empire. He spoke Georgian, a language so tough for outsiders to understand and write (as they had their own alphabet too) that Joseph took years trying to downplay his obvious outsider status. Stalin only started to learn Russian when he was 12 and it was a language he was never fully at ease with. He kept his native language only for his most immediate cronies if they came from Georgia but otherwise Stalin had nothing but contempt for his native tongue.

Did You Know?
  • ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
  • ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
This Day in History
No! they expect one of us in the wreckage brother.

May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day

  • 1431 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, "That's My Arc", officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
  • 1830 - Mary's Lamb (of nursery rhyme fame) is the perfect ingredient for my Great-Grandmother's pot roast.
  • 1917 - Protesting suffragette accidentally burns her brassiere trying to light up some citronella torches.
  • 1937 - Fred Astaire declares himself to be "bigger than Jesus", angry Christians throw their radio sets in a giant fire.
  • 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Baba Ganoush finally finds Elton John's cheese grater.
  • 1998 - The Simpsons is cancelled, replaced by show with identical name, characters, and shitty writing.
  • 2016 - In his final act as President, Barack Obama bans Axe Body Spray, the only bi-partisan bill he's ever managed to pass.
Further Reading
Portal Categories
Featured Articles
Famous Dead People
Less Famous Dead People
More Portals
Portals complement topics that nobody cares about and expand upon topics that everybody cares even less about.
Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=Portal:History&oldid=6373416"