Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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Highlighted Article

King tut tomb.jpg
We knew he was trying to compensate for something...

VALLEY OF THE KINGS, Egypt -- In a recent discovery by scientists lurking in old Egyptian tombs, King Tut's penis, which was admittedly passed over quite a bit during examinations, appeared to be missing from its usual place. His Johnson, originally noted to be worth around $50,000 USD, was initially believed to be stolen for its worth and great value. However, these scientists have concluded that his penis was taken some time ago due to its small size.

"We know this is a great shock to everyone, and we request that you all stay mature in a powerful situation like this," said English scientist Ben Dover in response to some local Egyptian middle schoolers' mixed reactions to the announcement. "We never really paid attention to it—until now that is. It really was quite small."

Why his testicles were so small has sparked debates among many top experts around the world. Earlier this year, scientists discussed what might have caused the death of King Tut at such a young age. Swiss researchers brought up the theory that he possibly had a deadly, yet unknown disease that also made his penis small, but that has been dismissed due to the theory's apparent homosexuality.…

Archive Article credit: Paizuri (more…)



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Quote of the Day

“History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.”

~ Konrad Adenauer
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Further Reading

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Highlighted Biography

WillyTheConq.jpg
This guy is the only reason we care about the year 1066.

William the Conqueror was a Conqueror god that appeared in a great flash of fire, lightning, and winds from Normandy. He immediately demanded tribute and submission of the Lands over the Water, as he wished to Conquer them, which would fulfill his destiny. Immediately, he began to swim over the English Channel in order to conquer said lands, both being the first person to successfully swim across the English Channel and setting the record time for time crossed.

When William the Conqueror first stepped foot on the English shore, he lay down on the beach and swallowed two mouthfuls of sand.

This was his first conquering action, and later did the same in Southern England, eating a mouthful of gravel. Later on, he ravaged North England as well, eating almost three and a half scoops of dirt.…

Archive Article credit: Odysseus (more...)

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Did You Know...

 the last time American green cards were actually green was in 1964.
 there are 92 cases of a nuke being lost at sea.
 there are 92 cases of a nuke being lost at sea.
 the first ford had a dodge engine.
 Cleopatra married two of her brothers.
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This Day in History

  • July 16, 1348: The Black Plague arrives in Europe. The Ku Klux Klan forms in response.

(other days in history...)
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Sub-Categories

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Remarkable Historians

Below is a list of other historical people without whom the world would not be what it is today:

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