Daddy Long Legs

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This mother%$#@ing article is about the one, the only, the cadillac of pimps: Daddy Long Legs. You might be lookin' for Daddy Longlegs, the article about them spiders 'n shit.

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The only known photo of Daddy Long Legs, seen here in his formal attire.

Daddy Long Legs (1958 - 1991) was a merciless yet famous pimp, credited for perfecting the pimp slap of death which prior to his era of pimping was in developmental stages. He was also the first pimp to organize a profitable Red Light District in downtown Brooklyn. At the height of his pimping career, he had an estimated 3,200 bitches, ran over 1,000 corners, and had a net worth value of 97.9 million bling-bling (15 Euro).

Early Pimping[edit | edit source]

Never able to succeed at much and being a high school dropout, Murphy Westborne filled out a job application to become a pimp secretary. Although pimping at the time wasn't as organized as it would later become at the hands of Westborne, there was definitely a pimping environment organized on respect, which Westbourne immediately found to be the only flaw in the pimping career, considering he had respect for no one nor any object. It was all about the dolla dolla bill.

After months of bribing police and handling light work for his boss, mentor, and mediocre pimp: Big Mac the Pimp; Big Mac eventually promoted Westbourne to the title of "pimp's assistant" and gave him his better-known pimp title: Long Legs (the "Daddy" part didn't come until later).

Long Legs succeeded Big Mac in '78 when Big Mac died from a combination of a heart attack and choking on fried goat placenta smothered in barbeque sauce.

Pimping at Large[edit | edit source]

Now a full-time pimp, "Daddy Long Legs" inherited only about 20 corners and 180 bitches from Big Mac, and an ass-load of his debt. The debt, which disgruntled Daddy Long Legs to the point of frustration, allowed him to perfectly execute the pimp slap of death, which he only used twice in his career.

He began organizing the pimping game, and started enacting ordinances regarding whores' cleanliness. He also began punishing his hoes for being tardy to work by pimp slapping them, and rewarding punctuality by not slapping them. He rarely let his hoes have sick days, the only exception being if they got tuberculosis, which they never did. He once beat the hell out of a hoe that was late because she had to get a chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. He ended up beating the cancer out of her.

Eventually Daddy Long Legs expanded his business, opening up "shops" on numerous other unoccupied corners and acquiring more hoes through the most practical means possible: violence. Daddy Long Legs at this time collected 60% of his whores' profits, and himself owned thirty-nine homes both inside and outside of Brooklyn.

End of Pimping Career[edit | edit source]

Despite his monopoly on most of Brooklyn during the 80's, he constantly felt that other pimps around him were always trying to close in on his territory, and as a result, he began conquering neighboring blocks, always pushing the limits of his pimping kingdom.

Eventually, he increased his profits by taking 80% of whores' wages. It wasn't long until his hoes rebelled against him, and with the aid of neighboring pimps, they successfully unionized and went on strike. It dealt a heavy blow to the Brooklyn area, which for years has depended on the business of pimping for a stable treasury.

During the strike, the city, who realized a large deficit was just around the corner if the strike didn't stop, began building strip clubs and leasing them out to owners. The strip clubs were soon the choice of work for former whores as it provided a much safer work environment, more money, and a dental plan.

Within three years, the city of Brooklyn saw a large growth in commercial properties for strip clubs, and Daddy Long Legs was officially out of business. Pimps in the area either got in on the strip club business, or packed their bags and left. Daddy Long Legs, who was too stubborn to do either, began an anti-strip club campaign, calling strip clubs "filthy" and pointing out that eventually all of America's money would be filtered through a stripper's ass-crack.

On July 7th, 1991, Daddy Long Legs was found in the stomach of one of his bitches. A quick check in the "L" encyclopedia revealed that he had been eaten by a bitch after having sex with her. The death was ruled under natural causes.

Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]

“In the Bible, bitches are made from sand or dirt or some shit like that. If your bitch ever gets outta' hand, remind her of that.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on women

“All your bitch needs to know are three words: make, sandwich, now.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on women

“Pimpin' is easy. Whoever says it ain't, I pimp slap that mother%$#@er.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on the difficulty of pimping

“They call me Daddy Long Legs, 'cause I'll put my foot up your ass and where ya' as a sock. Knee-highs, cocksucker!”

~ Daddy Long Legs on his name

Cocaine is not one hell of a drug. Whoever says it is, I pimp slap that motherfucker. Then I do some lines off his face.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on cocaine

“I respect the police greatly. They're the only pigs I talk to. They have stopped me from killin' a bitch several times.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on the police

“You can take a bitch outta' the streets, but you can't take the streets outta' the bitch. One word: used goods.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on hoes

“I've been to prison. I pimp slapped every mother%$#@er who said somethin' about my outfit. I pimp slapped one chump so hard, that he swore everythin' tasted like peanut butter for a week. I pimp slapped his ass again for talkin' out of turn.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on pimp slapping

“The only warnin' I give a hoe is a slap. Then she knows what's comin' next: another slap. Silly bitch.”

~ Daddy Long Legs on pimp slapping

“What do you tell a hoe with two black eyes? NOTHING! You already told her twice!”

~ Daddy Long Legs on hoes...again

See also[edit | edit source]