King Edward I

Edward Longshanks demonstrating some of the hardware in his DIY store

Edward I was a Norman King, Bossman of England was born some time in the Middle Ages. He was never really a young man, became well known after appearing in Braveheart where he threw a man out of a window for laughing at him. Edward was also known as Longshanks or what have you done with my trousers, ran a DIY chain in Scotland becoming known as the Hammer and Nails of the Scots. He also wanted to be 'King of All Britain and Ireland'.

Childhood

Edward was born bad, the devil put in him the desire to be nasty to small creatures. He had an older brother called Iwill Sneakback and was distantly related to Hugh Grant and David Cameron. Edward went on a a Crusade but came back when his father Henry III died and had left a draw full of bills to pay. Edward resolved his financial problems by marrying Eleanor of Castille. They had 16 children and when she died Edward ordered the construction of crosses to mark his grief. All donations from peasants were welcome. Edward would go on to ruin a lot more childhoods, especially if you came from Wales or Scotland.

Early Ambitions

• Find his trousers
• Setup a DIY chain
• Be nasty
• Become a famous filmstar.

Edward achieved all of these ambitions and built many sandcastles as well. Spent his leisure time raping and pillaging, kicking people's teeth in and pulling the wings off flies.

International Affairs

Spent most of his time crushing the Welsh or the Scots. Went on crusade at times when he got bored and oppressed some other people instead. Edward really was a man of leisure! Generally it was agreed everywhere he was offensive, just his presence was considered to constitute an attack.

Wales

In the lands of the Foreigners, his one regret was in not developing atomic weapons, because using the weapons of the time was just too slow, had to settle for just torturing them a bit instead. Nobody is interested in Wales or anywhere else because it didn't have people in Y Fronts running about and he didn't think it would further his acting career. The Welsh were beaten and forced to build castles to mark their national humiliation. They were also obliged to act as a living carpet for Edward's son Edward, the new Prince of Wales every time he went to Anglesey.

Scrotum malleas or the Ballbreaker, one of Longshanks favourites - in the Museum of Scotland

Scotland

Scottish feudal lairds (otherwise known as The Bastards) invited Edward in to have a bit of fun screwing the country. He set up the chain of DIY shops he had always wanted, but was constantly seeing his assets under attack by the Y Front wearing Scot (who worse still was part Welsh as well) William Wallace. Every time he started hammering, there was Wallace. He was stunned when the Scots were shocked at the removal of The Stone of Destiny, he thought it was just a sort of rock lying about.

Wallace's underpants meanwhile were starting to make a terrible smell and Edward I was sick of him turning up, Wallace was captured and as chronicled in Braveheart, an attempt was made to get him to wash his underwear, but Wallace refused to the end despite facing a horrible ordeal being tickled with a feather duster. Wallace's ordeal ended when an attempt to remove his undies resulted in both bollocks being ripped off, he survived the injury, but the smell was so bad that he and the executioners and many in the crowd were overcome by the fumes and died.

Isabella of France practising her fart for Edward I's final moments

Edward thought that would be the end of Scottish resistance but they rallied around a new leader, Alex the Salmon. A slippery Scottish laird. He closed down Edward's DIY shops, an action that so upset Edward that he declared any man wearing a 'skirt' any distance north of Hadrians Wall would die very badly.

Death

Eventually Edward died during the filming of the film Braveheart in horror at the inaccuracies of the script, with a twisted grimace partly because his estranged daughter-in-law, Isabella of France had just farted on his face.

Centuries later was dug up in 1774 and found to be perfectly preserved, just dead. When they removed the lid, Edward's penis was measured and found to be eight inches long. This suggested the King he had the hots for his daughter-in-law, and there were holes in it suggesting he had been hammering nails through it in his spare time.

See Also

• History of Great Britain