History of the War on Drugs
“Cocaine is one hell of a drug...”
“I second that!”
“This war was the pinnacle of my career, which really shows you how utterly pathetic and pointless my life really is.”
“Legalize it!”
Initiation of War on Drugs[edit | edit source]
In 1989, President George H. W. Bush began the first of many surgical strikes in this war, beginning with the No Pot in Public Act which had far reaching reprocussions. It was this act that convinced the American public that we would never become like Amsterdam, with its weed-themed cafes devoted to "taking it easy one hit at a time".
Outraged the suddenly sober public tried to stage a coup George H. W. Bush avoided this by giving every citizen north of the Mason Dixie Line a McDonald's coupon for free small fries. Some citizens demanded reruns of the popular show Good Times to be played 24/7 but the president said "That's pushing it folks." As a result, a rerun of the show hasn't been aired in ten long years.
To cut down on drug use in the upper-middle class, the president made an official decree that every American that buys so much as a nickel bag of coke is now a Communist bastard and deserves to burn in their red hell. The people responded with initial outrage and college videos of George W. Bush snorting a few kilos and hitting on crazy liberal chicks.
The war was finally made personal when the president declared the war on drugs. The United Nations did not approve of the president's actions but it's now known they were bribed with "special" brownies and the false promise of airing translated episodes of The Young and the Restless in French and German. However today episodes can be found only in Greek .
Insurgents[edit | edit source]
Rumored to have been taken aback when the American public demanded that all Schedule I drugs be registered with the FDA, the Bush Administration wasn't prepared to react, and as such, ended up telling the DEA to buy "just some pure Colombian, and I don't mean coffee. This sh*t is getting to me." The story leaked out due to a particular man whose name is currently unknown but is said to be one of the first casualties in this particular war. He is described as a white male with a strange smile and tells really bad jokes. The insuregnt said this when asked about the affair "I didn't want to end up like this, but once I couldn't get my fix, someone had to pay."
Other popular insuregents were a group called S.M.O.K.E.D meaning Stop Making Our Kids Educated about Drugs. This group met usually in bars and local parks and on several occasions appeared on national television as the Top Story which is the equivalent of a professional wrestler being part of a main event match. Still many countries such as Canada New Zeland and the city Amsterdam supported the radical group by giving them old DVDs they had stolen from car washes. Probably the group's most well known act was when they placed a whoopie cushion on George H. W. Bush 's seat. After the incident national security reached a lime kind of yellowish brown level. The Group was disbanded by police at a monthly party giving Washington D.C. cops the nickname "Party Poopers".
The more conservative insurgents were called Avenue Avengers. Using such social tatics as diplomacy and under handed trade the Avenue Avengers nicknamed Ave. AV were able to make small advances in defeating the sinister George H. W. Bush . Such small advances were the discontinuation of pop-ups promoting the No Pot in Public Act on websites. The group wasn't very popular but was never disbanned and at one point was on the front page of a national newspaper .
A famous actor insurgent was Bill Cosby who wanted drugs to mix with his jello. After all you can never have too much jello. Cosby appeared on television usually doing standup encouraging teenagers through comedy to stand tall against the president and to also consume many pounds of jello. That year jello and other gelatin related snack foods reached reord high sales. The sales were the only things that kept Cosby from being sent to prison as he was now seen by the government as a capitalist hero.
The War's First Battle ("The Battle of Little Big Dong Bong")[edit | edit source]
Just one year into the war the first battle, "The Battle of Little Big Dong Bong," commenced. The battle was over "coke" vending machines except no pop was served if you know what I mean. Do you? You don't? Okay instead of soda or other beverages in the machine it served cocaine. This upset the president as he made a speech on live television to America . In this speech he challenged all whom opposed him in the District of Columbia to meet him in the back alley behind a Chinese take-out. Bush called several members of his cabinent including wrestler John Cena to go and fight the rebel hippies. However, when Bush realized how many people wanted to fight him it was decided the alley was too small and thus the battle was moved to Main street.
The Battle was very violent as many people were hit with textbooks and garbage can lids. Just as it seemed the hippies would have their first decisive win and even capture President George H. W. Bush but John Cena grabbed Bush's waist and used his finishing move "You Can't See Me!" and he and Bush vanished leaving the stoned hippies dazzed and confused. Back in his office a wounded Bush ate Frosted Flakes to make himself feel better. However it wasn't the ceral, if you know what I mean. You don't? Really? Okay, well he basically ate cocaine tablets. Or something like that we just know it was drug related. Many cabinet members were confused about Bush's lifestyle contradicting his public persona and so in a moment of desperation hid all of Bush's drugs in the vegetable bin, because he'd never look there. This caused Bush to go through a life changing turn. He kicked his habit and decided it was nearing the time to go for all the marbles. His plan would be called operation Brainwash Everyone!
Operation: Brainwash Everyone![edit | edit source]
Finally having enough of the American public BushI decided unleash his ultra secret weapon by broadcasting messages on every TV and every household saying "Just Say No." Companies joined in and soon the message was everywhere telling kids it was not cool to do drugs. The plan worked as many kids decided never to do drugs! However kids without television were never able to hear this great message and thus became pot heads . Still Bush's war became the crowning achievement of his presidency as textbooks have two whole paragraphs about it! The War ended on April 20 George H. W. Bush appeared in congress that day with very red eyes and blamed it on loss of sleep and swimming in a pool.