Your mom

Your mom in a rare moment of not being flat on her back or down on her knees

Your mom (born roughly twelve years before you and eleven after her mom) is a well known parent and parental figure. She's celebrated for her dedication to keeping you out of R-rated movies, going through your phone, calling just to "check up on you", and swallowing more semen than the Bermuda Triangle, Moby Dick and the cast of High School Musical put together. Despite a certain "lack of credibility" most likely caused by said sluttery, your mom is always there to do your laundry, include love as an ingredient in her recipes, teach your sisters the finer points of pole dancing, or crush you with her massive gravitational pull.

Early life

Kisses from your mom

Your mom was born to an average family who lived in an average neighborhood in an average town or city that followed the law of averages. Your mom, following this trend, was decidedly interesting and unique. (Actually, no, not really, she was average. I know, I was shocked too!) Her early childhood began, like most, with a period of preschool, followed by kindergarten, which was followed by 1st grade, followed by 2nd grade, followed by 3rd grade, which was followed by 4th grade, followed by 5th grade, followed by 5th grade again, your mom not being the brightest individual. This concluded your mom's brief stay in her elementary school, which was unexpectedly average.

Following elementary school was a time in which your mom begot a further loss of intelligence, and massive weight gain. It was just after the loss of intelligence, before the weight gain, when your mom discovered that she could get boys to like her simply by having sex with them. Naturally, she utilized, and often abused this fact, since she really really liked having boys liking her. And then there was the sex, which she also liked. In fact, she really really really liked the sex – the additional reallys showing that she liked the boys liking her only two-thirds as much as she liked the sex. (She really liked that sex!)

Little did your mom know colossal amounts of promiscuous, unprotected sex do have consequences. After her sixth through eighth grade years in middle school your mom had already acquired 17 different STDs, including three that were previously unknown. At the end of her eighth-grade year your mom, broke from the free clinic fees, noticed an alarming lack of menstruation in her usually opulent cycles. It's unlucky for you she couldn't afford birth control or an abortion. Yes, it seemed that your mom had finally become your mom. As her pride and joy you've already helped her earn more money from welfare, food stamps and other social programs.

Years as your mom

An instrumental figure in the life of your mom, your dad. He's the one who knocked her up. Since she took all his money, his luck only declined as his family was kidnapped by ninjas. Poor guy ...

Little did your mom know, this was one accidental pregnancy that could not be solved with a simple abortion. For whatever reason, your mom had developed an affinity for this baby-shaped lump of dead weight that had accidentally wound up in her uterus. She naturally had to tell her parents about this, and hoped against hope that they would understand her need to be so unchaste. The right moment to tell them finally arose, and seemed that your mom was blessed with a holy gift of articulation. She chose her words carefully, words like love and fate. Her parents' reply echoes through the sands of time to this day: "You better find the horny sonuva bitch that knocked you up and marry him, girl, or we'll disown you!"

You came into this world to a depressingly husband-less and parent-less mom, who now worked numerous shifts at Burger King to support the strain on her budget. The fast food was what she lived off at this point in her life; she received a handful of employee discounts which made BK food affordable. This, coupled with stress, was what contributed to her now-gargantuan girth. This girth soon made it impossible for your mom to leave the house, as attempting to fit through doors was an extremely difficult and embarrassing task for her, which is probably why it was so amusing for everyone else.

Luck struck your mom at this difficult time, however, as she found your dad when he came to the BK she worked at to order some fries. She immediately sued him for all he was worth in child support, which landed her a hefty $40 in scratcher tickets and a Huffy bicycle that was missing a seat. Of course, your mom sold the huffy for $15.34. This eased the amount of time she had to spend giving hand jobs in the Burger King bathroom. Your mom has used all this free time to watch massive amounts of mind-numbing day-time television, which significantly numbed her mind, as promised in its descriptive title. Since then, your mom has partaken in other hobbies, including biological experiments about attempting to drown marine fishes, and tests about causing trauma to winged animals, namely birds, by dropping them off of very high places. She currently lives happily in northern Virginia, and is the star of the popular reality show called Yo Momma.

A prime example of the slander hurled at your mom. Well, Mr. Libel-tosser, how can your mom be like a bike if she has no wheels, huh?

The "your mom/yo mama" phenomenon

In recent years, some have chosen to take advantage of your mom's passive demeanor, and administer a series of libelous, cruel jokes at her expense. The joke has many forms, from a spiteful retort to a mean-hearted insult told in passing. It should be noted that all these jokes are, in fact, false, but most have a few common characteristics. For one thing, they all involve your fat, dumb, whore of a mother. Not only that, most jokes generally say something negative about her, usually targeting her weight, intelligence(generally a lack thereof), her lack of sexual appeal, and/or her predisposition to improper and lewd public behavior. Lastly, all "your mom jokes" cause an instant rush of endorphins, which usually give the teller of the joke an instantaneous "big man alpha male" feeling. This feeling is short lived, however, because whoever is told the joke usually feels a related but opposite effect, known as a "what the hell is this moron talking about?" reaction. This reaction typically spurs a reaction in the affected individual, causing them to say something along the lines of "What the hell are you talking about, moron?" to the joke-teller, ending their "big man alpha male" feeling, and instead leaves them looking and feeling like a complete fucking idiot. This is a very popular social technique for middle-schooler self-esteem building, and allegedly increasing your self-worth.

Infographic demonstrating the use of "your mom" to the question "what are you doing?"

More recently, "your mom (or "ur mom") has also been used as a response to almost any statement. For example, if you were to say "Wow, this living room is huge," I would respond with "Your mom is huge." Used in this way, a your mom joke does not necessarily have to make sense (your mom doesn't make sense). This is a good way to change subjects or liven a dull conversation (your mom is a dull conversation). Be careful, though, because responding to everything somebody says with a your mom joke can become a negative habit (your mom became my negative habit last night). Especially be careful when in a workplace as your coworkers may not like it if you do this all day long (I do your mom all day long).

• Your mom can also be used as an answer to almost any question, kindly refer to the handy infographic on the side for a visual example of this phenomenon.
  • "How much does this cost?" "A lot more than your mom charged last night."
  • "What do you want to eat tonight?" "Your mom."
  • "Are you doing anything this weekend?" [ad nauseam]

Legacy

To this day, your mom is still mistaken for Charlton Heston due to her grizzled, mannish visage. In the end, your mom has survived much hardship, eaten many Twinkies, and enjoyed the company of many men, women, undecided, four legged animals and inanimate objects. And, through it all, she managed to give birth to and raise you, and you didn't turn out that bad, right? She is a true modern-day Renaissance-Woman of sexual intercourse, in every useful interpretation of the hyphenated words. Always remember that, no matter what, you came from your mom, and without her you wouldn't exist. And as we all know, not existing is like dying, and dying sucks. Sucks like your mom! HAHAHA! Dude, your mom is a whore.

p.s. Tell her I need my pants back by Monday, thank you very much. Being outside in my underwear is no fun.

Preceded by: Beer, Sex and Black Women

Best Thing in Existence 4,000 BC – 3,000 BC

Succeeded by: Opium and Cheese Sandwiches