Paleolithic
| Human history and prehistory |
|---|
| ↑ before Homo (Pliocene) |
|
|
|
|
|
| see also: Modernity, Futurology |
| ↓Future |
The Paleolithic (American spelling; British spelling: Palaeolithic) Age, Era or Period is a prehistoric period of human history distinguished by the evolution of the world's first modern humans from masses of muddy hippies gathered in piles to the development of social structures and the white picket fence. It covers the greatest portion of humanity's time (roughly 99% of human history) on Earth, extending from 2.5 or 2.6 million years ago, up until the introduction of agriculture and domestication at the end of the Pleistocene around 10,000 BC.
Lower Paleolithic[edit | edit source]
Encompassing the evolution of the Homo genus, from its humble origins to modern day Homo Sapiens[1], the lower Paleolithic period began roughly 2.6 Million years ago and ended 100,000 years ago. Homo habilis was the randy old monkey which spawned multiple genetic lines including; Homo erectus, Homo ergaster, Homo rhodesiensis and Homo neanderthalensis. Modern humans should be considered mutated Rhodesiensis line bastards that appear in the fossil record about halfway into the Lower Paleolithic period - Roughly a million years before "High School Musical 2". Here's where the story finally gets exciting because nobody cares about extinct monkeys. Homo Sapiens were the evolutionary victors (That's you and me, dumbass), so we write the history as we see fit and fill it with our own personal biases.
When massively large and erect human penises entered the picture, they were in fierce competition for resources with warlike bands of proto-monkey rapists that wandered the earth in search of Homo sapien vaginas. It's been theorized that <insert name here> is gay and that racist impulses in skinny white guys developed when these ancient conflicts with other species instilled a fear of large, dark skinned hominids making rap videos[2] and stealing their women.
Middle Paleolithic[edit | edit source]
The Middle Paleolithic period began roughly 100,000 years ago and ended 30,000 years ago, by this time the competition between species had dwindled to almost nothing. Homo sapiens had driven the other hominids into ghettos, eventually driving them extinct. With fewer threats and more leisure time, modern humans evolved considerably and the concept of recreational sex became universal[3]
The Sex Economy[edit | edit source]
In the Lower Paleolithic period, sexuality was strictly limited to reproduction. A clan leader had the responsibility of managing reproductive activities, which was accomplished by selecting only the most suitable for breeding. Large, muscular males and fat women with large hips and huge asses were the only members of the clan who were allowed to reproduce while anyone not fitting that mold was destined for a sexless life of manual labor. Slender young women who were deemed unfit for procreation and treated as people l third-class members of the clan became the full-time babysitters of everyone's children. This environment produced the worlds first blowjob as resentful, attention starved, nubile young women figured out ways to garner attention from the man of the house.[4] The orifice of the future created a double asset in every woman and not just the large breeding varieties so clan leaders began using these new resources as a form of primitive currency and the world's first economy was blown into existence.
Upper Paleolithic[edit | edit source]
The last period of the Paleolithic Age was the shortest of the three, beginning 30,000 years ago and ending 10,000 years ago. It featured a major revolution in sexy clothes, created by a fledgling garment industry - which was totally controlled by women. The androgynous fur burqa, a garment which symbolized ancient and conservative ideals, had been replaced by a wider range of leather clothing that complimented and exposed more of the female anatomy. The leather bikini and mini-skirt raised the median value of a woman's body dangerously close to autonomy.[5]
The Leather Bikini[edit | edit source]
Excrement covered women with dreadlocks, who once earned a piece of fruit in exchange for oral sex, became hygienic vixens in leather bikinis who commanded a basket of fruit just to watch them dance. Women became more powerful in the process since they controlled the bikini manufacturing and distribution chain which featured substantial profits from men who secretly bought leather bikinis for personal use. Blackmail became common[6] and women were soon creating real political power for themselves.
The Black Cherry[edit | edit source]
With skimpy leather bikinis and no underwear, it was only a matter of time before the black cherry would be discovered. In the past, a fur burqua with an entry point shaved in the front discouraged any accidents. After the era of easy access began, the chance occurrence of anal intercourse increased until it eventually happened in the late Upper Paleolithic period. When news spread about how incredibly tight and satisfying anal intercourse was, women were expected to offer it unconditionally and speculation about the potential value of this new commodity shot futures to unheard of levels[7].
Discovery of the black cherry had three major consequences:
- The new three-hole capacity of women made the cost of their services far too expensive for the average man to afford.
- Most women were unhappy with having to provide the service
- Homosexuality amongst men was favored as the poor man's option for the black cherry.
The newly found political power that women now commanded was immediately used to halt or reverse the expanding Black Cherry speculative market. Between the unpopularity of anal sex amongst most women and the homosexual black cherry market that cheated them out of shared profits, the stage was set for the female revolt.
The Female Revolt[edit | edit source]
The numerous city-states that formed as a result of the sex trade had large female populations who easily accessed their peers. After discovery of the Black Cherry, localized militias filled with angry, sore and constipated women formed almost overnight. The first demand was the outlawing of anal sex, sending markets into a tailspin and completely wiping out the assets of numerous investors caught holding Black Cherry futures.[8] The entire city-state system came to a screeching halt when women finally started withholding sex altogether, ushering in the Mesolithic age as the sex based economy suddenly had no currency and collapsed.
Women had finally figured out that there was absolutely no need for sex to be involved in any transaction. Tribes could simply trade one food commodity in exchange for another. This had been the intentional fallacy of the male dominated economy from the start, instead of just trading goods and services, the same transaction could also include everyone getting some sex as well. The system had worked for over 500,000 years without any dissent and men were fairly proud of this achievement but Pandora's Box was now tightly shut and new strategies would have to be employed to open it up again.
The End Of The Paleolithic Age[edit | edit source]
Language[edit | edit source]
During the Paleolithic age, language had been limited to gestures, yelling and whooping like adolescent jocks in a 4x4 truck. Verbal and written language were unknown until the beginning of the Mesolithic age, shortly after women uttered the first known word. Just like in the 1972 film "Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes"[9], all it took was one monkey learning how to say NO before society crumbled. Hordes of raging women in orange jumpsuits destroyed the system that oppressed them and enslaved their former male masters.
Language allowed for complex demands to be submitted, giving the new regime an ability to steer society with greater efficiency. Unlike their predecessors who stared and pointed a lot, women were able to temporarily stun men with various verbal assaults incorporating the word no. Schools were eventually built and education soon became compulsory for any man who wanted to get a woman to take her clothes off. While language seemed like a burden to man at first, it would literally become his savior later.[10]
Society[edit | edit source]
The end of the Paleolithic age was clearly marked by the appearance of snotty, spoiled twenty-somethings with a credit card and designer clothes. Usually followed by a legion of desperate men falling over each other in order to impress them, the Mesolithic princess was in total command and never had sex with anybody.
Holiday celebrations and birthdays became mandatory events for men to shower their women with gifts instead of bodily fluids like in the past. Men were now forced to learn how to communicate, bathe, do the dishes and take out the trash in this new world order.
The few women who still consented to sex demanded clean, permanent structures to live in before anybody got a taste of minge. The old sprawling fields of temporary tents and huts turned into suburban neighborhoods of roundhouses, with neatly manicured lawns, as desperate men attempted to attract a willing partner by having an acceptable home in a good area with nearby schools.
Agrarian Culture[edit | edit source]
After the collapse of the pussy based economy, many jobs were either lost or became obsolete as the sex distribution chain was no longer viable. Food production had always been secondary but now a growing demand for other agricultural based goods (like potpourri, personal hygiene products and herbal tea) created new fortunes for those who could produce them. The city-states saw an exodus of unemployed men heading out into rural areas to get jobs on the numerous farms that appeared.
Agriculture was tedious, back breaking work that required cheap labor to keep prices low and profits high. After the domestication of man, Oxen were the next priority since they allowed one man with a plow to till a small field in a single day. After women refused to be milked anymore, domesticated cows took their place and created a burgeoning dairy industry that produced vast quantities of Brie cheese, allowing something besides smegma to be served with crackers at holiday meals. This new Agrarian culture signified the end of Paleolithic Age economies and the beginning of the Mesolithic Age.
Religion[edit | edit source]
Religions were unknown in Paleolithic times, man simply saw the obvious circle of life being experienced by the flora and fauna around him, so the origins of humans and our universe just didn't interest anybody, especially when receiving a really good blowjob. The change in social order which signified the end of the Paleolithic Age had men reduced to equals at best. Not only did this new world frighten and confuse men, it motivated them to socially evolve and follow in the footsteps of their new masters. Men could no longer control women as they had in Paleolithic times, so a new form of social control was necessary to take power back. Men responded by creating religion[11]
Since men were no longer in control of women and traditions of the past would clearly not return, concessions needed to be made in order to establish the external appearance of social order and respect. The practices of anal sex, homosexuality and orgies in the streets had to be shunned. The sex trade had to be outlawed and men needed to retreat from the control of every aspect of life and re-establish total control of the bedroom. Women had to feel validated and included while simultaneously being insulted and dominated.
The most popular religions that survived presented a feminine creator, god or deity and the universe as some form of heavenly mother. Other religions that were less subtle used a "heavenly father" technique that featured an ideology where all women were guilty of some "original sin" committed by a single woman over a million years ago. Amazingly, these religions have survived into modern times. Religions that failed included one that imagined a cosmos created by a male deity masturbating and ejaculating the universe[12]which lasted only several thousand years before collapsing.
See Also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ "Homo Sapien" refers to you! You're a homo! Haw Haw!
- ↑ Cave paintings were the original rap videos. Homo Erectus would have totally served the Sugarhill Gang, making them the original rappers
- ↑ Sex is truly the first form of entertainment, which explains it's continued massive popularity on the Internet today.
- ↑ Banging-the-babysitter fantasies are older than you may think and oral sex created prostitution, not visa-vera
- ↑ Women have been acting like a vagina is made out of gold ever since
- ↑ Yes, even cavemen were oppressive bigots who hated gays. Of course we're talking about cross-dressing and not homosexuality but try explaining that to a caveman
- ↑ Also known as a speculative anal bubble
- ↑ Bad days at the stock market have been referred to as "Black (insert day here)" ever since
- ↑ Everything you need to know about life and love can be found in Planet of the Apes movies
- ↑ Irony Alert!
- ↑ Moses is famous for parting the Red Sea but should be given credit for parting the legs of women back open
- ↑ Ancient Egyptians are also famous for the Obelisk, the world's first penis shaped architecture
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Ivan Ardon "Sex Slave" Washington Post, February 23rd, 2007
- Dr Kosso "Sex and Marriage in the Ancient World" Highlights, November 3rd, 2006