Dawn of history

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“In Soviet Russia, history write you”

~ Russian reversal on history
Human history and prehistory
before Homo (Pliocene)
- The Paleolithic (Ice Age)
- The Mesolithic
- The Neolithic
- Dark Ages
- Age of Lunar Exploration
- The Present
see also: Modernity, Futurology

The dawn of history, as history would have us believe, was long ago. Before you were born, before your mother was born, before your grandmother was born, before your great-grandmother was born... well, you get the idea. It was quite a long time ago, let me tell you!

The dawn of history began when primitive man said; "We're pretty forgetful, so I'm going to write this stuff down". Shortly afterwards, the inventor of history created our first alphabet, language, and grammar. Shortly after that, he began writing down the history of his, and indeed all, people; starting with what had happened that morning.

Dawn of History, Page 1[edit | edit source]

The dawn of history began the morning after the creator of writing woke up, and decided to write down the daily events of his tribe's lives. None of them could read it at the time, mind you, but as with most great inventors he was unconcerned with the attitudes of the people around him. History began with page 1, as all great histories should, entitled: "What's in Blorg's leg?", which documented one of the first scientific discoveries of all time. The answer, found shortly thereafter, was "reddish stuff".

Dawn of history, artist's conception; "What's in Blorg's leg?"

The experiment yielded interesting results. Open up anyone's leg, and there will be reddish stuff (definately not meat) inside. The next day, the inventor of history showed this result to the rest of his people, who were about to look into Blorg's leg again. Thus the usefulness of writing down history became apparent for two reasons:

  • They could kill another member of their group with this same experiment.
  • Blorg was saddened that he couldn't keep his left leg nice and not-opened, nobody liked Blorg.

Dawn of History: Page 2[edit | edit source]

Now wut?

The next page occurred several days later, entitled "We don't have nothing to do". The problem was that, now that the experiment "What's in Blorg's leg?" had been solved, no one could think of anything else to try out. Life went on as it had "before" (being a relatively new idea) the experiment was written down. The second page of the history history read, essentially, as follows:

  1. Read history. History tells us what's in Blorg's leg. We all amazed.
  2. We know what's in Blorg's leg. Now what?

Dawn of History: Page 3[edit | edit source]

The First War: Hit The Other People With Sticks.

At this point it would appear that an idea, at some point, entered one of the cavemen's heads. The idea, put simply, was let's do something historical. It had to be something grand. Something exciting, and worth remembering. To this date, very little had to be written down; none of it was worth recounting over the fireplace. The idea came quickly: "Let's hit the other people with ice-cream sticks". With history came war.

The war lasted for a total of, according to the history, "some time". Since the idea of time was rather new new to our primitive ancestors, "some time" could mean anything between 5 minutes or a thousand years. Since the writing remains consistant, we can only assume it lasted a very short amount of time.

Page 3 now read:

  1. Read history. History tells us what's in Blorg's leg. We all amazed.
  2. We know what's in Blorg's leg. Now what?
  3. Blorg says "Let's hit other people with sticks!"
  4. Called the experiment "War". War is fun! Lasted some time.
  5. Blorg dead. Hit in leg with stick. Reddish stuff come out! Amazing.

Also See[edit | edit source]