Abbott and Costello

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A screenshot from their best routine, Who's on First. For the record, Lou Costello was on Bud Abbott first.

Abbott and Costello [1] was a comedy team that began in 1940, and lasted until 1957. The team was comprised of Bud Abbott band Lou Costello, who had a non-conformist relationship of which no one talked about in the 50s. Their calling was in the burgeoning post war physical celebration industry,[2] which was called "two reelers" back then.

Abbott and Costello's jokes were often chuckled at, since suggestive humour was innocent back in the day. Eventually, their popularity ran out and the act ended. Both died in bizarre and unexplained circumstances. Abbott died a year after the split whilst Abbott carried on for another 20 years.

Formation of the team[edit]


Bud Abbott was never sure where or what day he was born. He isn't even sure that his real name is Bud Abbott. His solo bit When's my birthday? is widely considered the prototype for the much more famous, future Who's On First? routine. Some theorists think that Bud Abbott was born in 1897, but Bud Abbot usually responded with "I don't remember 1897, so I wasn't born in that year".

Abbot was given up for adoption at age 5, promptly because nobody in his family was funny, thus not making him a straight man. He then ran away from the orphanage (as it was "in" at the time) and he joined the circus. For a while Abbott was an Irish Midget, and people threw apples and pennies at him. But Abbott did not like that, so he attacked the audience. They threw him in the garbage, which was sent to the dump. He was raised by seagulls and he thought he was a seagull until he was at least 26. After Abbott stopped being a seagull (which was 1923) he began doing vaudeville. While doing vaudeville, he began being part of comedy teams. Abbott partnered with many unfunny fat guys, who all ended up having massive coronaries and dying at young ages. At last he found one that was not going to die of a massive coronary. Not yet.


The man he found was Lou Costello. Unlike Abbott, Lou Costello was completely certain where he was born. Whenever a city name needed to be used, he always brought up "Patterson, New Jersey". He was always quoted that if it weren't for him, Patterson would be only known for the annual Butt Buddies contest.[3] Despite his mirthful girth, Lou Costello was surprisingly the skinniest of his family.

Costello was then was sold to the circus for a chocolate cake. He became a lion tamer and from there, he began vaudeville. For a while (since many of the comedians at that time were Jewish) he used the name "Jew Costello". This act went until 1933, when Hitler took over Germany. After meeting Abbott, they became physically attracted to each other. They were married on March 15, 1938. They then signed a 6 year movie contract with Paramount, as they planned to become the next Burns and Allen (apparently, Costello was the catcher in this partnership).


A screenshot of the movie "Butt Privates". In this scene, Lou Costello is encouraging a fivesome.

Their first movie was a blue movie, A Night in the Tropics. The blue movie was about a Amazon tour group that gets pleasured by a bunch of lions. Abbott and Costello played the lions. They received a dual Academy Award in 1941 for best supporting actor in that movie. "Astounding performance by the next top husband and wife combo!", read TIME.

Because of all this popularity, a lot of people went to see their second movie. Butt Privates, was another blue movie. As were most films during the war, it was a film about the army. This film created the term "five some", which happens 8 times in this film (still a record).

That film proved to be their Break out film, leaving behind forever the blue movies setting the stage for future stars like Brooke Shields. With their new found freedom of expression, they started a series of films entitled "Abbott and Costello meet ...". Virtually every character imaginable was included in a series of seminal trilogies; Frankenstein, Dracula & The WolfmanThe Mummy, Mommy Dearest & The Mummy II • and the last being, The Fuller brush man, Ingmar Burmashave & That Indian test pattern guy. The latter trilogy bombed at the box office, and started to drive a wedge in their partnership. This was the beginning of the end of their golden path.

List of Movies[edit]

  • One Night in the Tropics - Abbott and Costello are hired to stalk a prostitue for money.
  • Butt Privates - Bud and Lou join the army, and convince their fellow soliders to be open about their sexuality.
  • In the Gay Navy - Butt Privates on water.
  • Hold that Shaft! - Abbott and Costello inherit an old mansion, and wind up getting stranded for the night with the Jersey Shore kids.
  • Keep 'Em Screwing - Costello gets a blowjob in an airplane.
  • Ride 'Em Cockboy - During a Western dinner, Costello's pants fall down, leaving Abbott plenty of room for dessert.
  • Rio Rita - Rita takes part in Bud and Lou's threesome.
  • Pardon My Sarong - Costello becomes the hero of an island, and has sexy chicks on him at all times.
  • Who Done It? - The boys have to clear their names after a porn director is raped. Abbott convinces Costello to make love to an ugly chick.
  • It Ain't Gay - Or so they say.
  • Hit the Ass - The guys pick up chicks at an ice rink.
  • In Society - The boys bring love to the White House.
  • Lust in a Harem - Title says it all.
  • Here Come the Co-Eds - The boys dress up at white chicks in order to meet girls at an all-female college.
  • The Naughty Nineties - Naughty, indeed. Features "Who's On (My Cock) First?"
  • Abbott and Costello in Bollywood - Art imitates life, as the duo try to make it big as porn stars.
  • Little Giant - Costello uses his mind-reading cock to get by in life.
  • The Time of their Lives - Upset that he never lost his virginity, Costello returns to Abbott's house as a ghost.
  • Butt Privates Cum Hoe - Sequel to Butt Privates. The boys finally cum after six long years.
  • The Lustful Widow of Wagon Gap - Costello has to marry a MILF.
  • The Nuts Hangs High - An independent film.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Dracula, & The Wolfman - Guest stars Béla Lugosi, Long Chaney, and Glenn Quagmire.
  • Mexican Gayride - The boys bring illegals back to their apartment for a good ol' time.
  • Africa Screams - An independent, mostly black film. Oh, and Shemp and that Joe guy from The Three Stooges are in it too.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Rapist, Boris Johnson - Boris Johnson admits to his lust for male porn stars.
  • Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion - Most of the cast were indeed foreign, making the film harder to finish.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man - Osama Bin Laden comes out of hiding, and helps Costello get a boyfriend.
  • Cumin' Round the Mountain - The boys go down south and meet Costello's incest relatives.
  • Jack and the Beancock - A Children's film.
  • Lost in Alaska - When the boys are stranded in Alaska, there's only one thing to do to keep warm.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Jack - Captain Jack gives up on Keira Knightley. He prefers wealthy comedians anyway. Though Costello thought he was a girl the whole time.
  • Abbott and Costello go to Mars - Not really. But hey, at least it has tits!
  • Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. House and Mr. T - A giant crossover that ends the way you'd expect it to.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops - The boys are arrested for raping over 600 people. But they manage to escape by turning the police on with their Vaudeville "antics".
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Mommy Dearest, & the Mummy II - The boys go to Egypt. Too bad sex isn't allowed over there.
  • Abbott and Costello Meet the Fuller brush man, Ingmar Burmashave & That Indian test pattern guy (a.k.a. "Fuck with me, Henry!") - The boys' last film together.
  • The 30 Foot Cock of Candy Rock (Costello solo) - Costello's last film, in which he turns his wife into a giantess. He winds up getting squashed by her giant foot. Thankfully for him, he has a foot fetish.
  • The World of Abbott and Costello - A compilation of some of the boys' kinkiest moments.

A Bitter End[edit]

As with most movie stars; drugs, alcohol, and chipmunks began to take effect in Abbott and Costello's lives. They began arguing, which led them to take their act to television. They starred on the Colgate Erotic Nude Champagne Bubble Party Hour from 1951 to 1954. Eventually, the arguing and bickering worsened. They decided to return to the porn industry with what would be their final film, Fuck With Me, Henry. Afterwards, they filed for divorce.

While Bud Abbott continued to do well, Lou Costello began sinking to the gutter. Costello had gained weight,[4] taken an interest in college football, and participated in low budget movies. The most notable of the low budget films was The 30 Foot Vulva of Candy Cock. Costello contacted syphillis from a fellow actor during filming, which lead to pneumonia. Lou Costello died in 1959. His final words were reported as, "Come on! Gimee some cock before I go!"

Bud Abbott still continued to do well, until he couldn't keep up with the times. He attempted to dress as a hippie, but overdosed on LSD and died in 1975.

Abbott and Costello are remembered as an odd, but pleasing couple and comedy team.

See also[edit]


  1. (not to be confused with A butt and Costello)
  2. Pr0n
  3. (which sadly, does not run anymore, you sick prick)
  4. He was already fat, though.