Albus Dumbledore

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The famous news article that reported this matter.

“He fucked me real hard after the Yule Ball. How can he be gay?”

~ Minerva Mcgonagall dismissing reports about albus being gay

“You see, Minerva, you don't look all that much different from a man.”

~ Severus Snape on the above statement

“He's just jealous that I am a bigger fag than he is!”

~ Edward Cullen on Dumbeldore

“Im touched”

~ Albus Dumbledore on this article

Albus Dumbledore is J.K. Rowling's alleged Grandfather, headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Porncraft, and the most wanted Wizard of his time.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Dumbledore once considered fiering Snape due to his not wanting to perform fellatio

General Sir Albus Percival Muhammad bin-Wulfric Brian Jebediah Obadiah Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da Obi-wan Obama Hussein Zachariah Kenobi Jedediah Chewbacca MacZeppelin Elmo Unicorn Michael Dumb-bledore 4th Lord of Harpendon is, similarly to Ian McKellen, an ass pirate. Both are also daughters of Merlin. Her twin sister is Gandalf, lord of all. He has the ability to appear in human form as two similar-looking elderly British men, and his true form as an Old One has thus far remained hidden from the world. As well as this, he has, unfortunately, become a pseudonym for Gandalf. He is supposedly the most weakest wizard in England.He didn't find out until he was twelve years old and found that his wand could shoot things at people and so he kept doing this for many years. However, we all know this is Horny Punter who uses his libido to became an excellent back door burglar and BOOM! You have been spellanised!

Dumbledore's favorite spells include Abra-kadabra, expelliarmifrijugotangeloapplebananacherrypeararmus and causing rabbits to suddenly appear out of hats.

The topic of this article has unfairly being taken advantage of by Mrs. J. K. Rowling and she has made copious quidage from his tales. However, critics argue, he takes advantage of pupils, Rowling takes advantage of him. According to the Idiotic school of thought, this is known as a vicious circle.

According to Un!News, Dumbledore has recently undergone a freak surgical accident with Lord Voldemort. They both Appearated at the same exact place at the same exact time, and a miraculous thing happened: both Dumbledore and Voldemort mixed together and created Dumblemort and Voldedore. Who is who, none can say, but be sure not to cross their way!

Hogwarts School[edit | edit source]

My dick is this big!

It all started when Jimmy asked Samantha to the dance. Samantha was blushing she could not believe that the most popular boy in school asked him out. Then one night Jimmy found some alcohol in his hand and accidentally had intercourse with Samantha and that is how Dumbledore was created, he was created by the radiation that aquaman emitted. Dumbledore is in charge of the Hogwarts School of Craftmanship and Pottery. He received the job because the Ministry of LGBT magic passed the disability act of 1312 preventing schools from discriminating from the mentally handicapped. Due to this new bill the law stated that a mentally retarded person must be in charge of Hogwarts. Dumbledore, being the most insane and mentally unstable person they could find was put in charge of the school. Since he has but put in charge of the school he has been known to:

  1. Release crazed monsters to consume all of the students (Including trolls in the girls' toilets so that it will kill all the girls so that he can be alone with the boys)
  2. Completely forgive male students for disobeying his orders and putting the entire school in danger.
  3. Allow his uncle to try to destroy students.
  4. Hide numerous video cameras in boys bathrooms.
  5. Make the plot really complicated, giving every book an extra hundred pages of riddles and explanations that always end in some really bogus virtue crud.
  6. Remove his clothes at random moments as depicted at right.
  • He was last spotted flying off the Astronomy Tower backwards.
  • He was later found to be relaxing in a white tomb. (His uncle Voldemort broke into the tomb a few months after this.)

Dumbledore's Army[edit | edit source]

During his time at Hogwart's, one young student, Harry Potter, formed Dumbledore's Army to help fight Voldemort. The army was formed in secrecy.

The rules of Dumbledore's Army were as follows:

  1. Do not talk about Dumbledore's Army.
  2. Do NOT talk about Dumbledore's Army.
  3. Read above.

Hobbies[edit | edit source]

Albus Dumbledore enjoys long walks on the beach with Hagrid the local hobo/basketball star.

Oh yeah, and he does things with a wand that few students (And for that matter "OWL" evaluators) have ever seen...

Life of Crime[edit | edit source]

Novelty t-shirts do not tell lies. This truth has made several slow-paced readers cry.

There have been allegations of male child abuse regarding Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarfs. Dumbledore denied all the accusations, stating merely "Bah. Bloody humbug. I was just trying to show him a new technique with his wand,...gigidi gigidi goo!!!" (Un)Honourable Judge Ron the "Ginger" Weasley Granger had to agree with that logic, and Dumbledore walked out of the courtroom a free man. Fortunately, no one not imagined, and continued to make him out to be the sort who would steal your children for lewd acts. Also, in his defence, he interestingly used the phrase "Bah. Bloody humbug", the exact words that Harry Potter told the court he had said before receiving a bollocking for his "Hufflepuff" standard of fellatio.

Dumbledore should also be held responsible for his actions in murdering a multitude of people. He is currently being chased by the Dumbledore Catchers. Their exploits can be seen on Youtube.

Lifetime Achievements[edit | edit source]

Media:A Message from Albus Dumbledore.ogg

  • Only known person to have a beard longer than Gandalf's (Sorry Fidel Castro)
  • The person with the longest and blondest (so blonde it went white) hair (Sorry Lucius Malfoy)
  • Invented magic with Einstein (Sorry Merlin)
  • The most influential engineer of the atom bomb. (Sorry Einstein)
  • Believed by many to be one of the true physicists behind the Theory of relativity (Sorry Doc)
  • Being gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!(sorry ladies)
  • Being the first fage(like a mage, only they wield fagic) to be a headmaster. And you know what I mean by headmaster (Sorry God)
  • Being the first to wear the magic hat thingy (Sorry Mickey)
  • Being the very first famous kiddy-fiddler (Sorry Micheal)
  • Spending the most time alone in a locked office with a teenage boy
  • Spending the most amount of time accidentally locked inside a box
  • Taking the most amount of time to realize he'd been wearing a womans dress
  • Spending the most amount of time pursuing the sport of staring competitions (he famously had his eyelids removed in an attempt achieve the worlds longest stare, he is currently two weeks under the record at 14 years and 3 days without blinking but has stated the hardest bit was over when the profuse bleeding stopped and "its all downhill from here")
  • Being the most influential pedophile of the 21st Century (Again, Sorry Michael)
  • Dumbledore

Past Duels[edit | edit source]

Dumbledore with Saruman, Gandalf and Harry Potter at the council of wizards.
Dumbledore shows his hatred of anti-gays.
Erm, I don't swing that way, Professor Dumbledore.

A list of people that he has dueled with and the outcome.

  • Gandalf - Defeated him in an argument over whose wand was biggest.
  • Jeffrey Dahmer - This was a close one. Dahmer had Dumbledore handcuffed to a bed and would have eaten him. Luckily, Dumbledore was able to get the handcuffs off with the Alohomora spell. He ran away from Dahmer's apartment, warning everyone to stay away from "that crazy guy with the heads in his fridge."
  • Dick Cheney - Defeated him but suffered a shot in the face by the end.
  • Ann Coulter - Lost to Coulter's ability to spew hate causing Dumbledore to experience a lack of confidence.
  • Grindewald - Defeated him after a long talk about some hallows and huge innuendos, ie 'conjuring a white dildo and making Grinny come quietly'.
  • Solid Snake - Sat on the cardboard box Snake was in and suffocated him in three minutes.
  • Solid Snape - sent Gandalf packing by screaming the greatest spell of all times at the top of his lungs..."SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!!!!" this lead to mass suicide of pre-teen Potter fanatics, which also greatly assisted in the Dark Lord's cause.
  • Your Mum - 'Mum' cos' I'm english, live with it asshole.
  • Michael Moore - Surrendered; Moore threatened to expose Dumbledore's past in a new documentary.
  • Yoda - Confused by Yoda's ability to speak in riddles.
  • Diarhea - Won; did not effect his asshole size for reasons known.
  • His own sexuality - perhaps the hardest opponent Dumbledore ever faced was his sexuality. He battled it, but in vain, lost becoming a gay homo. He now lives out his life in the "closet" and invites every male teacher to come join him in the closet.
  • Voldemort - They weren't really magical duels, more so "sword fights", if you catch my drift.
  • The Dumbledore Catchers - The Dumbledore Catchers have grappled with this wily homosexual three times as of yet, and each time they have failed miserably.
  • Hitler - Little known reports say somthing about Dumbledore winning and making hitler give all the jew boys to him.
  • Stephen Colbert - Stephen Colbert defeated Dumbledore during the commercial break on one of his shoes with the Truthiness Amazingness spell, which can bend time and defeat everything. However, Stephen allowed him to live, and he now is one of Colbert's top reporters.
  • Stephenie Meyer - Stephenie Meyer got into a tight duel with Dumbledore in 1945. The reason for this remains unknown although Stephenie eventually lost the duel.
  • John Helliwell - Whacked John round the jaw with his own clarinet. Obviously, Dumbledore won.
  • John F. Kennedy - Gave John a serious headache after the duel.

Execution[edit | edit source]

Dumbledore was recaptured again at the beginning of 2006 by local police forces and was sent to Sing Sing Prison in India. He stayed there for about a month, then on March 4 2006 he was executed at the Hannah Montana tour. Or was he? It has been subsequently revealed that he went to live with Yoda, Sir Ian McKellen, Derek Jacobi, and tu-pac on their magic island.

A scene from Albus Dumbledore's bedroom, which hinted as to his homosexuality.

Posthumous[edit | edit source]

On October 18th, 2007, noted Dumbledore historian J.K. Rowling announced that the "late" Mr. Dumbledore had lived his life as a closet homosexual (which had abosuletly no bearing on the plot line). A project is currently underway to restore the multitudes of deleted scenes filmed during his lifetime. These scenes were originally removed because Mr. Dumbledore wanted his sexuality a secret. He had asked the directors of all included films that these scenes be kept from the original theatrical releases.

Rumours were that Dumbledore was in fact gay for Hans Moleman, however this theory was later debunked as "no one is gay for Moleman."

See also[edit | edit source]