“This bitch can't write! That bitch can!”
Stephenie Meyer (née Morgan; born December 24, 1973) is an American author and former receptionist, known for her bestselling series of romance novels collectively known as the Twilight series. A devout Mormon, and a married mother of an arbitrary number of children, she spends most of her time doing boring women's stuff, such as knitting, talking to other women whilst knitting, being a dick to her children, and figuring out how to carry forward the story of her lesser-known sci-fi novel The Host. She has both been praised for writing books that bear a strong resemblance to the behavior and speech patterns of lusty teenage girls looking for love, while at the same time being criticized for writing books that are more concerned with sorting out trivial issues about forbidden love instead of penning a grand quest about saving the world or something.
Birth[edit | edit source]
Stephenie Meyer was born in Hartford, Connecticut, to Stephen and Candy Morgan. She grew up in Phoenix, Arizona, with five siblings: Seth, Emily, Jacob, Paul, and Heidi. She attended Chaparral High School in Scottsdale, Arizona. She then attended Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, where she received a B.A. in English in 1997. Meyer met her husband Christiaan, nicknamed "Pancho", when she was growing up in Arizona, and married him in 1994 when they both were 21. Together they have three sons: Gabe, Seth, and Eli. Christiaan Meyer, formerly an auditor, has now retired to take care of the children.
Meyer is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; she has stated that she is strait-laced about her beliefs and does not drink alcohol or smoke. Meyer had never written even a short story before Twilight and had considered going to law school because she felt she had no chance of becoming a writer; she later noted that the birth of her oldest son Gabe changed her mind, saying, "Once I had Gabe, I just wanted to be his mom." After realizing that being a mom meant little more than changing diapers, and over time shouting at her children for not doing their homework or taking their piano lessons seriously, Meyer began looking for ways to compensate for the moronic decision she took of retiring as a receptionist.
Career as a... Writer[edit | edit source]
Stephenie Meyer began to work as a writer as part of her plot to waste the world's dwindling resources of trees. She is very anti-tree in general. Psychologists have deduced that it is possible that she either fell out of a tree or was attacked by one as a child.
As an added bonus to her original purpose, Meyer found she actually quite liked writing. The success of her books with borderline illiterates provided her with an ego-boost so huge that it was listed in the Guiness World Book of Records and reported on Fox News. She quickly began comparing her books to classics such as Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet, saying she was "inspired" by them, when really she meant to say that she ripped off their plots and then pretended to be better than them.
Stephenie's crowning achievement as a writer was to write books for people that don't like books (including vampire books for people who don't like vampires, and science fiction books for people who don't like science fiction). It is believed she will soon begin writing erotica for people who don't like erotica. What form this will take is unknown, but it is speculated that there will be no sex or sexual references, and a lot of Mormon propaganda.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Meyer lives with her sexually unskilled husband Christian in Mormonville, Utah, where she is a housewife and regularly creates new baby Mormons, as is typical and expected of all Mormon women. She is known to be highly critical of Greenpeace, and believes charities don't deserve her money. Meyer is quite proud of the fact that she has produced three male children and no females, as male children are of course infinitely more valuable. She shows this in Breaking Dawn, when her protagonist gives birth to a baby girl, and, disappointed, curses her with the cruel bully-worthy name of Renesmee. Some of Meyer's more controversial ambitions are to rid the world of all forests and to eat all the world's food.
Twilight[edit | edit source]
Twilight was Stephenie Meyer's first novel and the first installation in her first series. She has admitted more than enough times in interviews that the idea came to her when she was having a wet dream. Of course, Meyer being a Mormon woman, she did not orgasm. However, Meyer has done some good, as the series has provided material that has helped other people have orgasms, particularly girls with less than average IQs, in the 8-10 age range.
The plot of Twilight is as follows: A beautiful, stupid girl who believes she is both ugly and smart moves to a new school where she meets a vampire who glitters all sparkly in the sunlight. I'm afraid this is funny because it's true.
New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Prawn[edit | edit source]
The sequels to Twilight are New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Prawn respectively. It has been agreed that each is worse than the last. Breaking Prawn was rejected by a lot of fans, who became irritated when Meyer tried to include a plot. One fan of the Twilight series said, "OmE!!!(Oh my Edward)!!Wat i opend the book n lyk stuff happnd inside n i was lyk ome dis is awfull!!!It was all just them doin stuff n stuff happenin and bella n edward never got 2 sit n jus say romantic stuff 2 eachother!!!!Ther were lyk no sparklezz! An there was a baby!!! An it will sparkle 2!!!"
The Host[edit | edit source]
Stargate SG-1The Host is Meyer's pathetic attempt at writing for her own age-group. Of course, Meyer tried to write Twilight for her own age group, but the standard of writing was so low that it would not have sold. The standard of writing in the Host is not much better, but it is about adult characters, making it hazily viable as an adult book.
Midnight Sun[edit | edit source]
At some point around June 2008, Stephenie Meyer decided to really test the limits of her fans' stupidity and see if she could sell them a book they already owned under a different name. This book was to be called Midnight Sun. It was the same story as Twilight, but it was intended that the Twitards would be distracted enough by Edward's sparklezz that they would not notice. It seemed this plan was indeed going to achieve Stephenie Meyer's two goals: a) to make more money and b) to waste more trees.
Fortunately, somebody leaked a draft of Midnight Sun onto the internet. Stephenie Meyer then claimed that she was not going to continue with the book because having it leaked put her in a bad mood. What she did not explain was that it put her in a bad mood because the writing in this draft was just as horrific as in her published books, proving that she does not revise or edit or even check the grammar of any of her books before sending them to print.
Present day life[edit | edit source]
Stephenie Meyer is currently churning out as her computer, taking the print-off of every page of a book as it is written, and then arranging them into a book and sending them straight to print. Meyer does not need to spell-check because none of her fans can spell anyway.