Derek Jacobi
“I - Am - The Master.”
“You can be my Master whenever you like, babe.”
“It's a date then then.”
Sir Derek George Jacobi, CBE, (born 22 October 1938), also known as C-C-C-Claudius, is a fabulous English actor and film director. Renowned for his performances in I Claudius, Hamlet, Doctor Who and The Golden Compass, Jacobi is also one of England's foremost gay icons, alongside Sir Ian McKellen and Albus Dumbledore.
The Early Years[edit | edit source]
Derek was once the Prince of Denmark and at an early age showed a fondness for acting, starring in a play about the Emperor Claudius, entitled I, Claudius in which young Derek played the title role. His character had a stutter which Derek replicated very well indeed, unfortunately the stutter sort of stuck (now there's a tongue-twister!) and henceforth, whenever he was nervous, he'd start s-st-stuttering. He played Claudius so well that from that day forward, he was nicknamed Claudius by his brother,Hamlet.
Fratricide (no it's not weed-killer)[edit | edit source]
From a young age, Derek craved power. When he was an adult and his brother, ascended the throne of Denmark, Derek poisoned him and stole his throne and his wife (he hadn't come out of the closet yet). Unfortunately for him, his nephew, also called Hamlet (who fancied his mother and wasn't too pleased that his uncle had married her), figured out "what he done", and put on a play about a prince who poisoned his brother, the king and stole his throne, in order to psyche Derek out. It worked. And so, King Derek of Denmark had his nephew banished to England, which truly is the ends of the Earth (sarcasm).
Reign as K-K-King[edit | edit source]
Hamlet later returned, only to discover that his stalker, Ophelia, had committed suicide and her brother Laertes, wanted revenge. Derek's st-stu-stutter had come back at this p-p-point and he arranged for L-L-L-Laertes and H-H-Hamlet t-to have a d-duel. Hamlet w-won and k-k-k-k (ahem, sorry) KILLED Laertes b-but s-s-suffered mortal inj-j-juries in the p-p-process h-however they weren't-t mortal enough to s-st-stop him from almost fatally injuring his uncle with a s-sword.
H-H-Hamlet and D-D-Derek were r-rushed into intensive care (but not before a monologue) and operated on. D-D-Derek survived but H-Hamlet wasn't so lucky.
I Am The Master[edit | edit source]
After this unfortunate incident, Derek abdicated his throne and purchased a TARDIS on Ebay. Rather than going back in time and regaining his throne, he journeyed forward in time to the End of the World where he lost his TARDIS. Whilst building a rocketship which would take the human race to a holiday resort (Come to Utopiaaaaaa), he became possessed by the demonic spirit of The Master, an evil being from a cult British science-fiction series called Doctor Who.
The Master subsequently left Derek's body to take possession of that guy from Life On Mars (he wanted the body of a time traveller). Being possessed however, cured Derek of his stutter and also made him realise that women didn't really interest him at all. Soon after, he found his TARDIS and went to a parallel version of the Planet Earth in another universe where he fulfilled his life-long ambition of joining the Catholic Church. Unfortunately he couldn't join the Catholic Church in our world, due to their intolerance of his sexuality. On this parallel version of the Planet Earth however, he could not only join the Catholic Church, he could become Pope. He figured that if Nicolae Carpathia could do it, so could he. He has since proven a very successful Pope and is currently putting his efforts into destroying the Belacqua child, eliminating the final Golden Compass and taking over the universe.
Best of luck with that Derek. We're all rooting for you.