Ian McKellen

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Sir Ian Rupert Eduardo "Piss Flaps" McKellen (born 25 May 1855 in Bangladesh), is a kind-hearted yet powerful wizard, who has became well-known for his flamboyant homosexual tendencies, far-right political views and staunch refusal to let anything pass.. He also puts on a notable fireworks show in the Shire every year for Bilbo Baggins's birthday party.

Early life[edit | edit source]

He worked as a clerk for a vegetarian butcher for two years, before moving to Britain in 1902. He then took up acting for four years at the Society of Language, until he realized he was at the wrong school. He then transferred to the even lesser known School of Unacedemic Acting. He was the first Scholar from said school to work on a movie set.

Film career[edit | edit source]

Early setbacks[edit | edit source]

McKellen had many dificulties when first trying to start his career. Women found him very annoying as he was gay and so they were unable to tap dat ass. McKellen also had difficulties due to his resembellence to an old friend Dumbledore. McKellen was deemed just too awesome for the general public so was censored from most public listings. McKellen then further alienated himself from the public by saving the life of many orphaned children. This was thought to be too nice for an evil Wizard-Mutant. Trying to redeem his now almost black-listed name, McKellen wrote and produced his own movie entitled "If I weren't not a straight man" and damaged his reputation more, for confusing the public.

Magical solution[edit | edit source]

His reputation was in tatters, and the one solution to this problem was obvious: cast a load of spells on the most prominent studio executives, casting directors and Hollywood producers. This worked "a treat", according to McKellen, and soon he was strutting his stuff on the big screen in a camp fashion and for all to see.

Death[edit | edit source]

Sir Ian McKellen later committed suicide when he saw a group of beautiful women rushing to meet him, but sadly they were only a rampaging group of feminists, trying to get autographs. McKellen was thought to be under significant stress due to his friend Professor X's death at the hands of Voldemort. McKellen was suspected to have jumped off the empire state building whilst yelling "IF I WERENT NOT A STRAIGHT MAN" the cause of death was undetermined, as he faked his own death.

McKellen will always be remembered fondly, for his toothless smile, magic powers, bautiful purple cape, mole-coated nose, and beer belly the size of a dump truck.

Resurrection[edit | edit source]

Sir Ian came back to life in time for the beginning of pre-production on latest cash-in The Hobbit, which will be directed by Guillermo del Toro, and is rumoured to be paying all of it's stars "an absolute fuckin' colossal wedge of lolly" (source - Gollum's agent). When he rose from the grave, he glowed in the dark, gave an exclusive interview to The Tattler and married Morgan Freeman.

Magical Abilities[edit | edit source]

Sir Ian is one of the most powerful practitioners of gay magic in recorded history. While few gay wizards have ever been able to consolidate their magic with their sexuality, Sir Ian demonstrated a penchant for this that is extraordinary even by the standards of the old gay magic masters such as Plato, Michelangelo, Master Splinter, etc. Sir Ian could make a man's pants disintegrate into nothingness with just a thought. His ability to chant Broadway songs was said to be so mellifluous that it could make members of the Bush Administration immediately file into a circle jerk that went all the way around the Oval Office. In 1776, not a month before World War II, Sir Ian conjured a glitter storm so powerful that the battle of the bulge was called off due to irony. Sir Ian is also the only wizard in history to communicate with the ever present deity Elton John. Other gay magic abilities are also attributed to him and are assumed to have been performed at optimum gay efficiency. Such powers include: turning water into appletinis, projection of the Sex and the City movie into the astral plane, projecting concussion force blasts from his groin, super human ass strength, and many other powers which are too gay for you to conceive of.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee are the same actor, as you would never get more than one British actor in a blockbuster Hollywood movie. The same applies to Patrick Stewart.
  • Has a pet alligator. Whenever it gets hungry, Sir Ian simply magics some food into it's gator belly.
  • Had an affair with Ricky Gervais somehow, despite the two of them being single at the time.