A Butcher is a civilized fellow who happens to kill cute animals. Although he may hold a large cleaver and wear a bloodstained apron, he is not inherently dangerous, just misunderstood, and lonely. Most English butchers hail from Ipswich, Suffolk. They also have EXTREMELY high professional requirements; as they say, "don't be strong, be Butcher Strong."
- 1 Training
- 2 Mating
- 3 The War Between the Butcher Clans and the the Farmer Alliance/The Meat War
- 4 Women in Butchery
- 5 Types of Butchers
- 6 Relation Between Butchers and Undead creatures
- 7 Butchers in the Reich
- 8 See also
Butchers go through the toughest training regimen known to man, and then some. To even sign up for Butcher Boot Camp (BBC), you need to be physically strong, mentally asleep, and morally crooked. You also need a strong love for bacon, steak, and sausage. Yes, all kinds of sausage.
The Butcher hopeful makes his way to the local recruitment center, signs a paper that signifies he has no idea what he is about to go through, and leaves the next Sunday on a bus that will take him to his BBC.
Day Two through Week 1
The Butcher hopeful is woken up at 4:00am, and having experienced a lengthy lecture the night before, tries to fall back asleep, until his Butcher Drill Instructor (Coincidentally named Butch McCleaver), wakes his sorry ass up by yelling into a megaphone coincidentally positioned by the hopeful's ear. Although this may seem harsh-I mean, seriously, he's just a little tired-understand that its the BDI that is the most important one here, using his mean-meat-murdering-mashing skills and mean-meat-murdering-mashing experience to teach a new generation the mean-meat-murdering-mashing ropes and basics. So Lay Off!please. The following week will be focusing on the most basic parts of butchery; mainly running through obstacle courses, crawling under barbed wire with bullets zipping over their heads, and basic cleaving first-aid.
This week is focused mainly on more meatier topics, like how to cut meat, the best cuts, how much to charge for cuts, etc. Also introduced this week is the Butcher's Creed: Nothing that moves isn't meat. Every meat is edible. The Butcher's Creed is easily the cornerstone of the Butchering life style, much as masturbation and video games are yours.
Week 3/ a.k.a Hell Week
This week focuses mainly on lifting logs with your arms, your BDI wearing you down with pointless and stupid exercises, learning to kill wild animals and butcher them into quality meat. There is also a general focus on teamwork; which is ignored by all. This is the time where 60% of all butcher hopeful's give up, and ring the "Bell of Admitting You're a Failure."
Week's 4-6 are mostly about how to advertise your wares, start your butchery, and plan a tactical assault on the Farmer's Market. There is also a main emphasis on chopping speed, technique, and learning to use technology to increase revenue.
The Butcher hopeful becomes a actual Butcher and is presented with his piece of paper (Diploma) and honorary steel cleaver. He should be proud-only roughly 6% of those who sign up for the BBC make it out with this (another 34% realized that they don't need to do this and got on with their lives.)
Unfortunately, most butchers cannot get a date (something about always holding a bloody cleaver). But to show that they love people even if they shun them, they sometimes give the present of surprise sex. Many people (note I didn't specifically say women) after this glorious gift find the butcher much more aesthetically pleasing and generally nice. It is unfortunate that afterward most accidentally trip, fall, and slit their throats on that cleaver the Butcher always has. There have also been some slightly awkward conversations when a witness sees this.
"You really should put that away. Now before the cops show up. No, don't leave the body there, remember your creed. It's meat, grind it into sausage. I know it's a good idea, thank you. Uh, no, I just happened to be behind that dumpster. No, I didn't see anything. But you really must work on your technique. Well, if you really want to practice with me right now...No, you got to hide the body. Here's my number; I'll write it on your hand with some of this blood. K, bye!"
The War Between the Butcher Clans and the the Farmer Alliance/The Meat War
A war that has been going on for centuries, The Meat War started sometime in ancient time, where a bacon fanboy ran into a Vegetable section of a store and lit it on fire with a flamethrower. This was also the start of the term "Flame War." The farmers who produced the vegetables and fruits quickly formed a mob and slaughtered the fanboy; after sodomizing him with bananas and carrots. I know awful (and hot). Although the butcher's were not strictly involved at this time, they felt a kinship with the fanboy, and proceeded to write a strongly worded letter to the farmers.
This, strangely enough, only made the farmers angrier (maybe it's 'cause they were all high on kitten) and attacked the Butcher citadel of Helms Keep. Although fiercely out-numbered, the Butcher's were able to summon timely reinforcements. Led by Gandalf the White, (called such because he can keep his apron clean) they clove through the opposition. The Farmers scattered and never forgot this stinging defeat.
Ever since this titanic battle, the war between Farmers and Butchers has been mostly aboveground, with many raids on Farmer's Markets, fruit stands, smoke houses, and cattle farms. Steakhouses, especially Texas Roadhouse, have been the targets of many monkey-planned pineapple bombings. I assure you, any Talk of peace is purely imaginary.
Women in Butchery
Do not exist. This is by choice, as the profession of butchery is open to all.
Types of Butchers
- Factory Butcher
- Bacon Maker
- Sausage Maker
- Steak Cutter
- Bratwurst Wizard
- Backyard Butcher
- Buchr of wrds
- Your friendly neighborhood butcher
- Those friendly Nazi Scientists who participated in the great holiday known as the Holocaust.
Relation Between Butchers and Undead creatures
- Butchers and Vampires-Normally very pleasant, as any vegetarian vampire will look to the Butcher to provide on-the-go blood supplies, and bacon in general. However, tensions mount if the vampire's name is Edward, because no Butcher likes that awful girly shit that is Twilight. (Does anyone even read it?)
Relation in a Nutshell(RN)-Very good
- Butchers and Werewolves-Never too eager to coexist with each other, as the word wolf, by definition, means animal; animals are killed and carved into steak by Butchers. But if forced to, they can usually get along. Unless, of course, the Werewolf in question name is Jacob.
- Butchers and Zombies-Awful. Zombies are practically hunks of walking meat, so are natural targets for the Butcher to carve. Zombies also want to eat the Butcher's brains. This generally doesn't lead to a happy friendship. However, both Butchers and Zombies have been known to band together vs. Farmers, as butchers hate farmers, and zombies are constantly thwarted by the plants the Farmers sell to houseowners, such as the Sunflower, Wallnut, and Peashooter.
RN-If they see each other, they will try to kill each other.
- Butchers and Emos-Actually, they get along quite nicely, seeing as the emo wants pain and the butcher will give it, along with tender, juicy, and delicious steaks (for a price; stop begging).
- Butchers and Lawn Gnomes-Terrible,because Butchers really like cutting the hats off gnomes, and gnomes absolutely love their pointy hats. So in retaliation, will steal the Butcher's Cleaver. This is pretty much like taking away your Xbox, only (if you can believe it) worse. It means nothing short of Local Thermonuclear War.
RN-Will kill each other, their friends, family, and neighbors. Twice. ==The Tools of the Trade.
The Butcher's Prized possession is a cleaver, much like yours is your car, computer, Xbox, or stack of Playboys. A Butcher is rarely seen without a cleaver; if by some chance he drops it, or puts it down, it will spawn back into his inventory in 10 seconds. If stolen by gnomes, the gnome magic cancels this spawning out. If this happens, the Butcher will go and buy a nice new one; it must be high quality, something German and thus distinctly Nazi.
Cleavers have are slower and stronger than cutlasses, but faster and weaker than a mace. Older Butchers (From before 2008), will usually have an Iron, Steel, Obsidian, or Master Cleaver, while Newer Butchers will be found with primary Iron, Steel, and Master type. You will never find a butcher with a cleaver that is rusty or dull.
And please, for god's sake, never, never, never call the cleaver a knife. I lost both arms that way. And a foot. And my tongue.
Kevlar Body Armor and Gloves
Used to protect the Butcher from accidentally hitting himself with his own tool/powered band saw. Also has added benefit of protecting from drive-by shootings.
Used to grind cuts of meat and animal organs into ground meat. Also used with human organs. Can be outfitted with sausage making attachment. In case someone needs one.
Butchers in the Reich
Butchers in the Fourth Reich
Butchers were fairly common throughout the Fourth Reich, and were constantly called upon to provide swastika-shaped steaks for birthday parties. Unfortunately, the fact that Butchers love of preforming fellatio, (especially on sausages), became well known to to the Fuhrer, and they were all executed via Force Choke.
Butchers in the Third Reich
While the Butchers in the Fourth Reich were being massacred, the Butchers in the third Reich lived generally peaceful lives until the great holiday of the Holocaust, where they busily prepared the grand festivities. However, due to a tragic misunderstanding, the Butchers were stopped from preparing the party, tried for War Crimes ("What war?" they wondered), convicted in fair trials by a Mr. Stalin, and sentenced to a slow death by farming.