Strongly worded letter

To Whom it May Concern

On the 6th September 2006, I wrote this article, and I am yet to receive any feedback. I believe I expressed a number of real concerns which you have not yet addressed. In case my previous article was lost in the post, I will repeat my concerns here, and I trust that this article will reach you in good time.

On a number of occasions I have been treated to severely substandard treatment by your so-called 'volunteers'. Rudeness, inflexibility, laziness and low intelligence are words which come to mind. When confronted about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail. I emplore you to reassess your hiring and training schemes.

Thank you for reading this article. I look forward to your prompt reply.

Yours sincerely,

Aaadddaaammm 10:14, 6 September 2006 (UTC)

Response

Dear Mr Abdul,

Please accept our heartfelt apologies in not responding sooner. We trust you appreciate that we are a busy organisation, and that the majority of our time is spent in seeking to maintain our excellent position within the market. This includes good customer relations.

Whilst we cannot at this time speak with any specifics about your individual case, I would like to assure you that we are doing everything within our powers to ensure the smooth running of our services and maintain the goodwill of the general public.

With regards to our volunteer hiring program, we adhere to governmental regulations, ensuring that our numbers meet with the statutory representation of cultural, religious and ethnic minorities, power mad ego maniacs and morons reflected in modern society.

With regards,

The Admins 12:14, 6 September 2006 (UTC)

Ed's note: Admins, You are fired. Ed. 12:19, 6 September 2006

Further Response

Dear Mr. Abdul,

You Sir, having never raped a koala bear, cannot possibly know what that's like, can you? And so can we hardly imagine a scenario which, without leaving our culpability in this matter in doubt, would not also render you a veritable buffoon, incapable of reasoning beyond a most basic, simian level. This is not, at present, our intent.

While we appreciate your more than apt demonstration that you are at least capable of the fundamentals of human interaction, i.e. your letter, we would also beg to differ as to whether it also entitles you to basic Human Rights, i.e. a "prompt reply". If I may be frank, prompt for a man such as yourself, if it is indeed proven that you are, though we don't imply it, a simpering moron, is quite likely remarkably different than the definition that we here at WMC hold. As an alleged idiot, you might control merely a fraction of the brain power that a person such as myself wields.

This is not to say, Sir, that we do not consider ourselves somewhat responsible in the matter. You said, quote: "When confronted about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail."

Rest assured, Aaadddaaammm, that Consistency is a Key Goal with [WMC]. The Administrators who replied to your first letter have been fired, precisely for trampling upon that Goal. Had they not been so rash as to assume, without any attempt at verification, that you were a sane, normal individual (and thus worthy of reply), and not merely a gibbering retard, I would never have been forced into the mindless tedium of responding to you a second time.

While we always encourage our subscribers to correspond with us in the event of problems, we would strongly discourage you from further communications while you are under Suspicion Of Utter Boobery.

Kahn

Furtherer Response

Dear Mr Kahn,

Having receieved your reply dated 6 September 2006, I have a number of issues which I would like to raise.

Firstly, thank you for firing the offending Admins. I always enjoy people being fired on my behalf.

Secondly, much of the content of your letter I found deeply offensive. Raping koalas is a very sensitive subject in my family as my mother was a koala. She was raped and murdered when I was a young child. The case was never solved, but rest assured I have passed your details onto to the investigating police. Your multitude of insults relating to my intelligence have no place in this correspondance. Sure, my IQ is below average, but that does not give you the right to label me a buffoon. Nobody has that right. I am a person first and foremost.

Lastly, I am still to receive an adequate response to my initial concerns. If I do not receive a reply within a reasonable time frame, I will not hesitate in taking this matter to your superiors.

Thank you for your time,

Aaadddaaammm

More Furtherer (Ir)response(able)

Dear Sirs,

Kindly, accept my apologies. I have been vacationing in the Bahamas, while your pathetic issues have grown into one giant insurmountable problem. That’s correct, I was living it up sipping marguerites and flirting with the bikini-clad tourists.

Furthermore, I find it difficult to comprehend anything is more important than contemplating the comparison of Keira Knightley In A White Corset And Kate Beckinsale In A Black One. If you truly have a problem, please take the time to rethink your position and possibly reword your complaint so that it is more understandable.

It really helps if you can specify exactly what your problem is, rather than yelling at the top of your voice at our part-time elderly phone operators. But please don't tell us who you think is at fault, as we already know.

Feel free to contact us anytime,

Jesus H. Christ

Remedial Response

Dear Adam,

We are sorry to hear about your mother being a koala. that must have been tough at school, but we ask that you do not project your mental anguish carried through all these long years onto us. We understand that you might be a sensitive twat, but we do not entirely care.

Concerning your initial concerns however, to commit myself to any remedial actions ("remedial" to your view of what might be incorrect) would be a direct attack on the verification module of the established administrative system that is firmly in place. Now, you do not want to upset that little deck of cards and find yourself buried, do you Adam?

Let it be said that anyone who has ever disturbed this deck of cards before has found themselves severely lacking in bamboo. Let it be reminded that a koala has an inate fondness for bamboo, (adapted with cross-breeding from the panda) and though you might not be all kaola, you are a sensitive twat. (Sensitive twats find any lack to be disadvantageous.) Twat.

Feel free to ask any rhetorical questions,

Yorric "I knew him" Stevenson 21:49, 17 October 2006 (UTC)

Olive Branch Response

In his career shattering role of David Hasselhoff, actor and writer Charles Dickens takes poison pen in hand to write a strongly worded letter.

Dear Koalaman,

We apologize for the inconvenience of inconveniencing you at an inconvenient time in your pupal stage. Please, rest assured that, while we are busy engaging each other on several entertaining levels and do not have the time to adequately dissect your gripes at this time, we have forwarded your complaints (spelling errors and all) to the administrators of a more prestigious and litigious site--Wikipedia.org. Be confident that, in the interests of justice, beaurocracy shall prevail. Please allow 2-4 weeks for the delivery of your arbitration, as it is hand-crafted by nobles and inspected by supple geishas.

In the meantime, please accept this offer of peace. Enclosed is a picture of something my daughter drew during our car trip to Minnesota last weekend. It isn't much, but it has inspired me to write an avante-garde play called "Pearl: I, They, Contributory." I would formally like to invite you to a family barbeque next month, so that we may discuss the possibility of you auditioning for a conditional supplementary walk-on role as a stagehand during its third night production. I will interpret your reading this in disbelief as an official decision to attend the screening of my outdoor play to be shown this August in Lubbock, Texas. Dress appropriately--it should be hot as hell, just like my play.

It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue,

David Hasselhoff

A response, no more, no less.

Your attempts at peace go unnoticed and I have ordered my friends down at the institute to 'set you up the bomb', or at least that was my understanding. You see I have developed bad hearing from having to burn your letters so they don't occupy my entire house.

I'm aware you've only sent me four/five? Eh. I photocopy them so I have spares in case I lose the original. I'm not crazy, really, AAAAAAAA!!!! Get out of my head!

Sorry you had to see that, I cant work the backspace and I lost my ritalin. Now, Wikipedia is hardly an appropriate method of handling my complaint. It leaves me to wonder if you are taking my letter with the utmost level of seriousnesses, or just fornicating with the coffee machine. I demand the administrators of Uncyclopedia deal with this issue immediately or I will have to inform the appropriate people with the right fingers in the correct Pies. I am not a fan of chatting with people face to face, but I will over come this barrier if the situation is not resolved in a resolving, disabsolved, dissolving, disputed durkunundrum of a flourish. I am aware this made as much sense as trading a wife for 2 goats and bushel of wheat. This is irrelevant. For this I blame you for making me need to reply, that and your dumbness.

This situation could be easily resolved if only for want of right actions. I really hope you take them, or else.

The irritable guy.

The response which relates directly (please note, not indirectly) to the question (inquiry) which is related herein (above) and is not the direct beneficiary (to any extent) of any other relevant response (see above)

We, the undersigned (referred to henceforth as 'we' or 'We'), wish to make it clear to the above gentleman (this is not to be discriminatory ((differentiatintive)) against non-gentlemen, simply to reply to the question (((inquiry))) which has herein been visited upon), that in so far as he has questioned the abilities (or otherwise) of our unpaid (non-rewarded) workforce, that as far as the law (rules which govern those that dwell or exist within or within the extraditial rights of) of this country (whichever country this does indeed become apparent to be) we shall (or, indeed, Will) (please note the capital 'W' for additional emphasis) prosecute to the full extent (to the maxima of our shared ability, and, Indeed, responsibility) made available to us (the undersigned) under the powers vested in us by Uncyclopedia (the rich men's ((us)) wikipedia).

Thank you (with respect, yet a little intolerance)

The VEG. (Volunteer Employment Group)

Burnout Response

As is our over-friendly nature, we wish to apologize for not being more prompt to the answering of your letter, kind sir. Though it is hardly an excuse, it seems that the people (or person with dibilitating malignant tumor who coincidentally caught polio when trying to replace his, or her, leg bones with those of a mentally retarded puma) who were supposed to take care of all the requests from lonely, middle-age transvestites shirked their duties and went on a drinking binge. I (as in just me, not the gestapo-like asses for whom I am writing) just happened to be on meth at the time and decided it was a good idea to join them, or him, or her. It really doesn't matter who was there, I just hope that you take solace in knowing that I had a very pleasant time. Then again, I was on a drug trip, and I did have a good amount of tequila that morning, so I'm not really sure whether I enjoyed myself. But the point is that I'm sober now and that I'm going to do everything in my power to make you feel wanted. I can do any of the following things, or any combination of the things, to put your worry-worry mind at ease:

1) I can make up for the time lost in correspondance and the time lost reading this response by selling you more time at 15% off the usual price of $3.99 a bag.

2) I can do the above, but sell you the last of Unidentified Gender Polio and Tumor Person's stash of Canada's finest mariguana for the amazing price of -$200.99. That's right, I'm going to pay you to take this foul smelling Canadian green feces off my hands. It's a fire hazard anyway, that stuff just burns up the minute you light it.

3) I can send an eleven year old Chinese prostitute to your doorstep. She's good for any number of things from personal pleasure to slave labor.

4) We can hang out and be best buds until the cops come calling at your doorstep, only so you can find out that somebody burned down the Colonel's house and all fingers, viz. mine, pointed at you.

5) I hire you as one of my drug mules for less than minimum wage.

As you see, I care dearly for the plights of the people and that means you. I am willing to take a chunk out of my life and devote it to making you happy with much laughter and drink. Before I close up, I'd like to point out that I lied earlier and am very very drunk. I also suspect that some of my work buddies slipped me something a few minutes ago and that I'm on the verge of falling into cardiac arrest.

Sincerely,

The Uncyclopedia Staff

Another Response

To Whom it May Concern''

I believe you're implying that My mother is a ****ing whore...what's wrong with being a ****ing whore!?

On the 6th September 2006, I wrote this article, and I am yet to receive any feedback. I believe I expressed a number of real concerns which you have not yet addressed. In case my previous article was lost in the post, I will repeat my concerns here, and I trust that this article will reach you in good time.

real concerns?

1. LOLOLOOLOLOLOLOOL YU R 73|-| SuX

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

2.I R t3|-| \/\/||\||\|ER ROFLCAUST!!!1111!!

More gibberish

3. I am Jimbo Wales

And here is the source of this childishness, Jimbo, this is yet another kitten huffing inspired to huff uncyclopedia. Grow Up, Mr. Wales.

On a number of occasions I have been treated to severely substandard treatment by your so-called 'volunteers'. Rudeness, inflexibility, laziness and low intelligence are words which come to mind. When confronted about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail. I emplore you to reassess your hiring and training schemes.''

Upon consoltation with my staff, I have discovered the only complaint oyu made was that, "No-Body understands me!!!!1111!!!" at with point you tried to cut your wrists, our company policy is

WE DO NOT TREAT EMOS

Yours Hatefully,

A. Lier

Who Are You Calling a Response?

Dear Abdul,

I cannot bring myself to stop urinating on your letter every chance I get. To imply that we have some kind of scheme for hiring is insulting. We strive to enslave the most drug-addled, retarded primates we can steal from crooked labs in the hope that we can bring you the greatest joy you have ever experienced. That is why we also stitch the word "volunteer" onto every one of our primate's eyelids.

Have you ever tried to train a crack smoking chimpanzee? When they're not drooling on themselves, they're trying to rip their own faces off. Next to the junkie-monkies, your problems seem to be rather miniscule.

Now, having answered your questions I hope you will have the decency to eat some earwax and accept the fact that our schemes are foolproof.

Urinating gleefully on your letter,

I.P. Freely

Short and Simple

Dear Sir:

Re: Bell's Charm School, Refund Request

We are in possession of your original letter, dated 6 September 2006. After careful consideration feel that it would be in the best of all parties if you would just bugger off.

Very truly yours,

Bascom Whiltly Marshbanks III, Esq.

Basomb, Whiltly, Marshbanks, Unverferth and Tillings Ltd.

Cottonseed on Oil, Cornwall

Further Response than any other response given before 7:36 PM on January 25, 2007 to "Strongly Worded Letter"

I am sorry to respond to this letter with the following words. The following words I am very sorry to respond to and apologize for doing so. This letter is about to be responded to with words that I am sorry to respond with. The further apologies are implied to the words that are about to be said, which I am sorry to say:

"I apologize deeply for not responding as quickly as I could, but I am afraid you will have to wait more."

Now, to the point. I am extremely sorry to respond to this very strongly worded letter with the following words and phrases, which all paired together. And this sentence, I am very apologetic for saying:

"Just a little bit more, our apologies."

Finally, after your long wait, we apologize for responding to you like this:

"We are sorry to inform you, that we can not work with homosexuals."

From,

Jennifer Anniston of Frito Lay™

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA A AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAA, AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I Have A Response!

Dear sirs,

Enclosed is my resonse.

Signed,

No Longer An Uncyclopedia Member

Another response

To those who read,

I must apologize on my self. I was to concerned on thinking how to kill zombies and new ways of kitten huffing that I couldn`t help. Anyway I firmly believe that it doesn`t matter how much you do believe you have suffered, all kittens that are huffed suffer thrice what anyone have ever suffered in his life.

Don't feel special.

By,

Cab 03:47, 13 March 2007 (UTC)

This isn't a good time to...

talk, honey, I'm trying to get some work done. Some idiot sent is a complaint, I'm just about to blow him off with some officious nonsense. No, I'm trying that new fangled speech recognition software you got me for christmas. Speaking of christmas, when are you going to wear that outfit I got for you? It's under your dress? So it is! why don't you come over here and sit on my lap? Oh, the kids won't be home from the movie for another hour or so. Uhh huh, I think you look terrific. Fishnet suits you, with that fine ba donk akonk. That's right, you know I like it when you oh, crap! Is the laptop still on? Hold on honey, I just need to.........................................

Your Mother Responds

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

Thank you for your recent email! You know we always like hearing about how you're doing. It's easy to email us! You just click, if we're not mistaken. Of course, there's never any obligation, but an email would be the thoughtful thing to do. In addition, if you are interested in writing a follow-up thank-you note, we have the envelopes already typed up and the extra 2-cent stamps. We know you always forget when the rate goes up.

Love,

Uncyclopedia

P.S. Was this message helpful? As part of our ongoing mission to provide you with top-notch customer service, we'd like your feedback. Please respond by telling us "Yes, I found this message very helpful and considerate in many ways" or "No, I don't tend to recognize when others are reaching out to me."

Respond

Dear Aaadddaaammm,

We have received your letter, but when we were about to respond, your koala came to my house and threatened to eat my brains through my eyes if I responded to you. Then he knocked me out and left me in the middle of the Sahara in monsoon season. I am really upset about this because my clothes are wet and I have sand in my underwear.

Hope this helped clear things up.

Un-yours faithfully,

Uncyclopedia

Return to Sender, Not at This Address

Dear, Jesus

On March 28th 2007, you killed my puppy. You kicked him in the shins and he fell down a flight of stairs. Did I mention the stairs were covered in razor blades? 'Cause that's kind of important. After he fell you came down laughed at him, turned his blood into wine and drank it.

Because of you I'm now converting to Creationism unless you supply me with 500 000 goldfish by Saturday. I'm planing an awesome prank!

Thanks,

Billy

Reply to Sender -- Billy

Dear, Billy

As it is currently Easter, Jesus will be unavailable for a period of time since he is currently away on business, therefore, I have been commissioned to respond to your request.

Firstly, we would like to respond to your claim that Jesus kicked your puppy down the stairs as this claim, while well-intentioned is comepletely miguided; it was in fact your loutish, bearded father who, in a drunken stupor kicked the dog down the stairs, and we are also well aware it as yourself whom coated the stairs in razor blades in an attempted April Fools prank.

We regret to hear that you are converting to Creationism and must warn you that in doing so, you will exempt yourself from the lifetime salvation warranty which you currently hold with us.

Unfortunately, we have no Goldfish, but for a nominal fee of $2.20 per fish, we can provide you with any quantity of halibut you require, with complimentary blessings.

Finally, we would like to inform you that we know how often you masturbate, and if you continue to do so while writing these letters, we will be forced to dispose of any further correspondence delivered from your address.

Kind regards,

St. Peter

Dear St. Peter,

Dear St. Peter, There are allegations that you are verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually (in no specific order) harassing my non- gay homosexual life partner. I know you religious figures are into that kind of stuff, but he is taken.

Also, he claims you are depriving him of the pre-determined amount of goldfish. As you likely know, the gold fish economy is at an all-time low, so fish need to be circulated. By keeping your fish, you are further ruining the economy or e-cod-omy (it's fish farmer humor, it might be too sophisticated for you).

And about the masterbating, I left a special "gift" for you underneath the stamp...

Hugs and kisses,

Tomm (that's two Ms)

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