Lord Voldemort
| Lord Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. von Voldemort, the Noseless, 2nd Viscount of Mordor | |
|---|---|
| Harry Potter character | |
 Lord Voldemort attempting to attract mates. Notice the lack of nose. | |
| Born | 31st October 1666, a Grimsby brothel |
| Died | 25th April 2098, the Death Star (age 431) |
| Gender | Male (we think) |
| House | Slytherin |
| Wand size | 4" |
| Affiliation | Mordor, Death Eaters, Evil, Conservatives |
| Portrayed by | Vladimir Putin; himself (in Harry Potter and the Ignominious Homunculus) |
“We have a lot in common, my comrade.”
“He dosen't have a nose”
Lord Voldemort, 2nd Viscount of Mordor (31st October 1666 - 1st April 2091) was a famous wizard, and later a member of the House of Lords under Margaret Thatcher, and later David Cameron. His controversially successful political career as the Minister of Defence, and later Prime Minister, and also as an MP for his hometown of Grimsby was overshadowed by accusations of corruption, and these accusations would plague Lord Voldemort for the rest of his life, until he was assassinated by an unknown assassin, presumed to be his arch-nemesis Harry Potter.
Early life
Lord Voldemort was born as Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. in 1666 to Tom Riddle Sr. and Meryl Streep; as a child, his parents abandoned him - his mother became a famous Hollywood movie star, and his father became Batman's arch-nemesis #17, the Riddler. As a result, young Tom was frequently sent away by his busy parents to live in Grimsby, an obscure shanty town in the Gotham region of Mordor, with his uncle Viscount Victor Vasiliev Vladimirovich von Voldemort. This is probably because Tom was such an ugly cunt. He was so ugly that the other children would regularly give him sweets to make him feel better; when this stopped, Tom would go round to the others' houses and demand the confectionery. Given his ghastly appearance, the children naturally complied. And so began the traditions of Halloween and comfort food. And so Tom lived until his 11th birthday. Then he received a letter from Hogwarts, thus starting him on his path to becoming a wizard, and destroying whatever sort of life he had. (It is a well known fact that wizards, along with nerds, chavs, and the deceased, have no lives).
Hogwarts
Tom spent most of his childhood doing what most young boys did: going to school, hanging out with friends, chatting up girls, having sex, taking drugs, joining gangs, murdering other youths in dark alleyways, and tending gardens with the old lady who lives down the road. This all changed when he went to the totalitarian utopia that is Hogwarts. Tom initially had several gruesome encounters in the boys' changing room, but despite the regular abuse he suffered, he managed to survive the humiliating homoerotica due to having had one true friend in the form of Elton John. Things started to look up for Tom though, when he discovered a talent for Hogwarts' favourite, and in fact only, sport of Quidditch. Tom made friends more easily, as he was now the wizard equivalent of a jock. Tom was eventually selected as Captain for the Hogwarts Quidditch team, but he declined because, in his words "All those nights I spent in the boys' dormitory have left me with a red ring". He eventually replaced his Xbox in the January sales. Tom left Hogwarts with no GCSEs, and looked set for a life on the dole. This was not to be, however...
Scrounger era
... because Tom was the son of a rich man, and therefore didn't qualify for benefits. Un-fucking-lucky. Tom decided to live on the streets, where he first learnt of the secret art of making Whorecruxes. Testing out his abilities, Tom brutally raped another hobo, and used his semen to create a Whorecrux. Having finally lost his virginity, Tom began his rise to power.
Whorecruxes
Tom mastered the art of creating Whorecruxes throughout his lifetime. A Whorecrux is a magical artifact that can be used to contain a part of one's fertility and libido. So long as a person has one existing Whorecrux, they are protected against the effects of castration and erectile dysfunction. However, to create a Whorecrux requires the ultimate sexual act to be committed; namely, full-on sex. There is a catch, however. Each Whorecrux must be created using a different sexual partner (your hand does not count, or else you'd have a Whorecrux). It is rumoured that Jenna Jameson has 716 Whorecruxes, but only 28 have been found and identified. Tom himself chose the potent number of 69 Whorecruxes by fucking his mothers' corpse, Harry, Dumbledore, Snape, Umbridge, Bellatrix, Nagini, and many others.
Vigilante era
Tom gathered a coven of his close friends, such as Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, and Batman, and embarked on a campaign of vigilantism. He had invested a great deal of trust in his friends, especially his right-hand man Snape. It was during this era of his life that Tom first met the love of his life, Bellatrix Lestrange. After a night of passionate love-making, Bellatrix seemed to ignore Tom's affections. It was only nine months after this encounter that Tom found a surprise on his doorstep - a young child, unwanted by Bellatrix. Tom loved the child as if it was his own (although technically it was), and considered retirement as a vigilante; this change in Tom's demeanour irked the members of his crimefighting cabal. On the night of 18th November 1776, James Potter, one of the members of Voldemort's gang, broke into Tom's house and brutally beat him; Potter then stole the baby and fled the scene, leaving Tom for dead. Tom Riddle Jr. was not dead however, and barely survived this incident, being left comatose for nearly five years. He awoke, and almost immediately planned his revenge, tracking down his former comrades for one last mission. On 31st October 1781, Tom carried out the first of his planned murders, and broke into James Potter's home, where he and his wife Lily were raising Tom's child, who they had named Harry. In a fit of rage, Tom murdered James, and then Lily, but couldn't bring himself to kill his own flesh and blood. Rather atypically for the time, armed police had surrounded the house within minutes, necessitating Tom's fakery of his own death. As far as everyone was concerned, the vigilante Tom Riddle Jr. had committed suicide.
Death Eater Scandal
Every child knows that Voldemort's supporters are called Death Eaters. However, shortly before his death that Voldemort "Voldy" has a special name for his penis, Death. So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
Reappearance under a new name
Tom Riddle Jr. had been in hiding on the streets of Amsterdam ever since he had murdered James and Lily Potter back in 1781. Tom had made a moderately successful living as a busker, and he made enough to live on. After a particularly generous payoff from a satisfied customer, Tom encountered a drug dealer who was selling drug cocktails. Tom purchased a Bloody Mary, a mix of cannabis, LSD, magic mushrooms, and tomatoes, that gave Tom the unfortunate side-effect of regular nosebleeds. The mixture of hallucinogenic drugs pulsing through Tom's veins, however, caused him to have a psychadelic epiphany. Tom realised that he could combat crime and corruption in less violent ways than he had done before. Tom then chose to become a politician - oh the irony. The slight snag was that Tom Riddle Jr. was thought to be dead, and even if alive was wanted as a criminal. So Tom reinvented himself as Lord Moldything, taking on his long-dead uncle's name in the process. The story of how his uncle died and turned into mold, which is another story altogether. Lord Moldything then took a trip to New York. Contradictory to popular belief, it was him, not Osama bin Laden who caused 9/11. This led to a conspiracy with the United States of America, France, Libya and the Middle East. Because of the incident he earned the name Voldemort (Vol de Mort), French for "flight of death".
Politician
Conservative MP (1894-1939)
Lord Voldemort started his political career in the Conservative party, and stood for election as MP for Grimsby, winning by a landslide after his rival, Lord Lucan, mysteriously disappeared. After this, he rose up the ranks, becoming the Defence Secretary, the Minister for Magic, the Home Secretary, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the Deputy Deputy Prime Minister. Despite his elevated position in Government, Voldemort and the then-Prime Minister, David Cameron, had several disagreements, mostly stemming from Voldemort's disapproval of Cameron's elitist dogma - Cameron's policies seemed to benefit the upper socioeconomic classes at the expense of those lower down the socioeconomic ladder, whereas Voldemort was a staunch advocate of equality for all. These differences would cause tension between Cameron and Voldemort, which culminated when Voldemort resigned his posts and left the party after a particularly violent catfight argument in which Voldemort's nose was severed by a katana. He would later start his own party, the Death Eater party.
Death Eater Party & Prime Minister (1941-2028)
Voldemort started the Death Eater party in direct opposition to David Cameron's elitist government. In his words "Cameron has led this country to death. We will destroy the death!". However due to a translation error, the intended name of "Death Destroyers" became "Death Eaters" instead, which acquired negative white supremacist connotations. Despite the bad reputation his party garnered, they had great success in the elections, with the party's leader Voldemort eventually becoming Prime Minister after defeating David Cameron and Nick Clegg in the 2027 general election. In his short tenure as Prime Minister, Lord Voldemort was the 47th most powerful world leader, only slightly less powerful than the 46th most powerful, Burkina Faso. His most significant action as Prime Minister (and in fact, the only thing he promised in his manifesto that he actually did) was to lead the rest of Britain in a war against the town of Bradford. After losing this war, Voldemort and his Death Eater party were deposed by the Neo-Nazi dictator, Heinrich von Pötzler (better known as Harry Potter). Voldemort exiled himself from the country after fears that he could be assassinated, after a botched attempt on his life nearly resulted in Voldemort getting a "van Gogh". It later emerged that he had abused the expenses system by using expenses to cover the cost of travel between his Grimsby home and his London bedsit, as well as the cost of renting said bedsit and, most shockingly, arranging childcare, since Voldemort was a single father. MPs such as Elliott Morley and David Chaytor criticised Voldemort for what they called his "lascivious and extravagant" use of expenses.
Later life
Voldemort spent most of his remaining years as a children's entertainer. He worked as the mascot for McDonald's, which soon after Potter's takeover became McPotter's, later to be renamed McRonald's, after Potter's gay partner Ron Jeremy Weasley who died of complications from man flu. Voldemort later had his own children's TV show, Murdering Muggles and Mudbloods, which ran for a total of two and a half series, and three Christmas specials.
Death?
Voldemort was rumoured to have died on 1st April 2091, but most people took this as a joke, especially as all links that appeared to link to news of his death caused computers to display a blue screen of death while playing Rick Astley. It was only four years later, when Frodo Baggins returned from his epic quest, in 2095, that Voldemort's supposed demise at Mount Doom was confirmed as a hoax. Lord Voldemort had not died in his homeland of Mordor, at the young age of just 424.
Death!
In 2098, Voldemort confronted his long lost son, Harry Potter, on Potter's personal spacecraft, which Potter had dubbed "the Death Star". Potter had grown to hate Voldemort as the man who murdered his parents. Voldemort first told Potter that he was adopted, and then that he (Voldemort) was his (Potter's) father. Potter then engaged in a climactic duel with his nemesis Voldemort, which Potter lost due to being a spotty hormonal teenager. Voldemort, in self-defence, fired a spell that would have certainly killed Potter; however Potter, sneaky bastard that he was, entered a cheat code that caused Voldemort to be hit by the spell instead. And so Voldemort was killed at the age of 431, and the galaxy was once more under the oppressive iron first of a totalitarian autocratic dictator at peace. Lord Voldemort was posthumously honoured with the epithet "the Noseless".
