Riddle
)Intellectual
Memory. It's memory. Only memory can travel the world and stay in a corner at the same time... wait, that doesn't make any sense. God dammit, I hate this shit. Okay, it's the mind. Free will? Emotions. Uh, is it memory? I thought all riddles were something flashy like that. Is it justice? Does Justice stay in a corner? Only if I yell at him for being a bad dog, but even then he gets kinda antsy.
Let's see... Let me list the things that travel the world: hot air balloons, clouds, my tramp of a wife... Is it my tramp of a wife? No, she doesn't stay in a corner unless it's with a muscular Spanish son of a bitch. I hate the Spaniards.
C'mon, man! It says "Intellectual" up there at the header! I have to answer this correctly. What kind of intellectual can't answer riddles? ...is it a mirror? 58? A Japanese dollar?
Okay, what things stay in a corner? A plant? Cigarette butts? My dog, Justice? All right, I listed all the things I could think of in both categories, and I came up with NOTHING. Oh wait, what travels the world, but stays in a corner? It's cigarette butts. Hmmm... that sounded better in my head. I wish I had gotten that PhD in English, then I would totally rape this riddle.
GOD DAMMIT THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY! WHAT'S THE ANSWER??
A stamp?! You've gotta be kidding me. Stamps only travel the world when my wife is writing letters to muscular Spanish sons of bitches. At least I got the house.
Smartass Neighbor's Kid
It's a stamp. I may be only 11 years old, but I didn't get my Smartass Merit Badge for nothing. Did I mention I'm the leader of my girlscout troop?
Daddy tells me that I've gotta be strong in the face of challenges, but I'll be honest with ya': This riddle was the easiest fucking thing in the universe. I've eaten steaks harder than this-- Raw steaks with my bare teeth. Mommy says she wants a strong daughter, and I'm doing all I can by hunting and eating my own food.
How could you not see it was a stamp? Did you go to public school? I get straight A's, and I can tell you right now: you must be a fool to not see this one. That intellectual guy? Nothing. Absolute bullshit. My daddy's a doctor, and I know shit when I see it... at least when I see it after a baby is born. My mommy says not to trust babies. She says they're a trick by husbands to get you to quit your career.
If you have any other questions for me, such as how to tie your shoes or screw in a lightbulb, I'll be playing Lawyer with my Barbie dolls.
Clueless Idiot
First of all, I don't like that categorization. I prefer the term "moron". Okay, what stays in a corner and is all over the world? Is it a mirror, or something asshole-ish like that?
You people that make up these riddles are god damned jackasses, you know that? You're always making fun of the common man with your damn riddles, and we common folk aren't gonna take it anymore!
Wait, wait, wait... what travels the world but stays in a corner? Is it a MASTODON PENIS?!?! ahahaha! Oh my, I crack myself up... but seriously, is it a mastodon penis? I'm out of ideas. That damn neighbor kid is always playing so loud with her damn dolls.
"SHUT UP OVER THERE! SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! SHUT. UP. OKAY?!??! SHUT THE FUCK UP OVER THERE I'M ANSWERING A RIDDLE!!"
What the fuck is the answer...
STAMPS?? I knew that! I knew it was a stamp! You bastards are in for it now. When you least suspect it, I'm going to unleash this riddle on you, and you won't know what hit you. You'll be all like "A stamp? Nobody uses stamps anymore!"
...It's never a mastodon penis.
Detective Murphy
I'll get to the bottom of this. Nobody stands in the way of Detective Murphy and his man.
Let's see, travels the world? Stays in a corner? I looked in the phone book under "World" and spotted Mr. World, 758-2864. I decided to give Mr. World a call.
- "What? I... I don't know nothin' bout no travel!" He said. I could tell he was lying.
- "Mr. World, I just want you to cooperate before this gets nasty. I wouldn't want to have to... get 'nasty'." I took out my friend, Mr. Flask, and took a sip.
- "Okay, okay... go to the post office. You'll find what you're looking for there." He was whimpering, so I decided to let him go back to... whatever it is... that he was doing before I called him.
The post office? Was I missing something? What did the post office have to do with travel? I looked in on my favorite whore, Clarabell, for some answers. Clarabell is one hell of a gal, and she knows the word on the streets. She always has a kind word for me after a day of drinking out of my flask and looking out my window.
- "Murphy, you look like dog shit, ha HA!" she laughed, drinking from her flask.
- "Clarabell, I have two words for you: Post Office."
- She dropped her flask, and started stuttering. "Murphy, you can't just go around asking questions like that, they'll get you!" she said. She looked awfully nervous.
- "Who'll get me?" I asked. I grabbed her, half romantically, as I yelled in her face, "WHO?!"
- "Isn't it obvious?" she cried. I was about to say "No" when she flung herself helplessly on me and had a good crying session. I decided I would rather have a little fling with Clara than ask any more questions.
I headed down to the post office on Sunday at 11:30 am. It was cold, and rainy. And foggy. I remember that there was a shitload of fog. It was only when I got to the door that I remembered that the post office is closed on Sundays. I was about to turn around, when I saw an old face.
- "You remember me?" the familiar person said.
- "It's been years, hasn't it? How was the slammer?"
- "It was cold Murphy. The only thing keeping me warm was the thought of killing you before you got any closer to the answer to this riddle." The familiar person was holding that revolver awfully close to my general direction. When the hammer clicked, all I could hear was a boom.
I was lying there on the steps to the post office with a thousand thoughts going through my head. "Where did Mr. World travel to? Who were they working for? What was in the post office that was so damaging to the mayor? Is it a mastodon penis?" These questions ran around my head like a dog at the track I used to gamble at, before I died.
Strong Black Woman
Now you listen to me white boy. I've been through HELL to get where I am today. You've never heard of Monique, the third place finisher in the 7th season of American Idol? You'd better hope I get this riddle right, or there's going to be some PAIN, boy!
Travels the world? Stays in a corner? What's with this white riddle? I'm gonna have at you with my two companions, Aretha and Franklin, and we'll see who's traveling around the god damned world. You think it's easy bein' black? I grew up in Massachusetts, the whitest state in the whole god damned world, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm tricked by some series of words!
Listen to me: The answer is me. Monique, the third place finisher in the 7th season of American Idol. I've traveled the world, honey, and that corner I'm stayin' in? The R&B section of Tower Records. THAT'S your god damned answer honey.
Now don't be scared, I may be a big momma, but I'm all sweetness. Just say that I'm right and we can get on with our lives.
The Master of Riddles Strong Black Woman
Oh no you DI-IN'T! You did NOT just say I was wrong! You'd better take that back, boy, or there's gonna be some PAIN!
Thank you. I thought for a second there you were going to be a little bitch. I'm glad that we worked this out without having to get Aretha involved. I've killed a man.
