UnScripts:Harry Potter and the Inevitable Musical
~ J.K. Rowling on musicals
It was inevitable. It was obvious. And it was terrible. How could such a giant name as Harry Potter, the greatest teenage witchcraft-practicing metaphor ever, or at least during the 2006 to 2008 period, go without a vast, conspiracious money-making stick-on? Written by author J.K. Rowling, who made the papers for her role in the 1978 "Iraqi Gun Shop" pyramid scheme and read by thousands of snotty, usually illiterate young childeren and masses of near-suicidal or drug-addicted adults, the seven Harry Potter books quickly spawned a series of unofficial pornographic film adaptions and authentic Harry Potter merchandise, as well as a clothing line inspired by Harry's "emo years".
Of course, the final part of this moneymaking takedown was a Broadway-but-worse style play, with subtle hints of musical and pantomine. Everyone involved in the sell-out business expressed interest in such a travesty at one point or another, but most of them were far too sophisticated for such a thing. At last, in late 2009, the contract was finally typed out and signed, and the plagarism offices were lured into the other direction. Production, casting and budgeting never actually happened, and neither did decencey of sensibility. But, after several hours of setup, the finished product was finally completed. Die-hard Harry Potter fans flocked like turkeys to see what all the hubub was about, and were met with a grossly written hodgepodge of bad acting and another reason why they should have spent £70 on something else. It was, inevitabely, Harry Potter and the Inevitable Musical.
Harry Potter – A nerdy boy wizard
Ron – Harry’s friend #1
Hermione – Harry’s friend #2 (and possible love interest #4)
Narrator – Himself
Hagrid – A large man
Prof. Dumbledore – A cliché
Prof. Snape – Another cliché
Vernon – A very annoying man indeed
Voldemort – The Dark Lord (yet another cliché)
Chorus – Those who can’t really sing but want a part
Jamie Waylett - The only one who actually can act his part, but how do you prove he was acting?
A cabin on an island. Much of the early part of the book (the first one) has been skipped, as it is too difficult to stage. Magical sounding music is being played in the background. There is thunder and lightning (mostly thunder). Vernon is caressing a loaded shotgun while the rest of the family (two extras, gender optional, and Harry Potter, also gender optional) cowers in fear.
Narrator – (spoken) Harry had been getting letters, so his evil Uncle Vernon took them to an island where he assumed the letters couldn’t reach them. (letters fall from rafters) They could.
Vernon - (spoken dementedly to self) Letters! Letters! Letters!
There is a loud noise. Enter Hagrid. Song begins. At first it is a deep angry number with no real rhythm or tune – just shouting.
Vernon – What is the meaning of this intrusion?
Hagrid – I have a message for Harry.
Vernon – You won't be giving anyone any messages. I have WEPON.
Hagrid points umbrella. Stagehand enters (hopefully unnoticed) and quickly replaces the gun with a banana. Music suddenly becomes upbeat and lively. Curtain opens to reveal Chorus.
Hagrid – You’re a wizard Harry!
Chorus – He’s a wizard!
Harry – I’m a wizard?
Chorus - You’re a wizard!
Narrator - After traveling to Diagon Alley, boarding the Hogwarts Express, taking a boat trip across a lake with a giant squid, and being sorted into Griffindor, Harry is now sitting at the Griffidor table in the Great Hall.
Chorus – (same tune as last time) We are wizards! We are wizards! (repeat as Dumbledore speaks)
Dumbledore - Welcome to Hogwarts. Stay away from the Third Floor Corridor or you will be killed.
Students stand up and begin to dance. Music quickly changes to the tune of Go Go Go Joseph from hit musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
- Chorus – Go go go Hogwarts you know what they say! Hang on now Hogwarts you’ll make it some day! Sha la la Hogwarts you’re doin’ fine! You and your
Dreamcoatmagic ahead of your time!
- Harry – Ahead of my time!
- Chorus – That’s not what we said!
- Harry – Ahead of my time!
- Chorus – We were referring to Hogwarts!
- All – Ahead of our… time!
Hogwarts, a corridor. Harry, Ron and Hermione are talking.
Narrator - (very quickly) It is towards the end of the school year. Having heard about a break in at Gringots in the very same vault which he visited with Hagrid, (which I neglected to mention earlier) Harry questions Hagrid about the forbidden corridor after escaping near certain death from a three-headed dog. Hagrid lets slip that it's guarding the Philosophers' Stone - a stone capable of giving eternal life. On a trip into the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid, Harry encounters Voldemort. After the encounter Harry resolves to take the stone in order to keep it from falling into the hands of Voldemort. (takes deep breath)
Harry – Let’s go to that corridor where Dumbledore said certain death awaits us.
Ron – Good idea.
Hermione – But…
Ron – You’ve been outvoted.
Hogwarts, the forbidden corridor.
Narrator - So Harry, Ron and Hermione went to the Forbidden Corridor where they subdued a giant three-headed dog ironically named "Fluffy" (Chorus: Oh! The irony!). They then went through a plant called the Devil's Snare. Then they had to catch some keys with wings and now they are at a chess game. Unfortunately we were not able to stage any of this because it would have been much too expensive, and we are also unable to show you the chess game due to possible copyright infringement (Chorus: Andrew Lloyd Webber! Is a greedy bastard!) so instead here's Wizard Backgammon.
Enter Harry, Ron, Hermione and Chorus.
Ron - (spoken) Backgammon? I don't know how to play backgammon.
Hermione - (spoken) So, are you ready to admit that I'm better than you at something other than academics?
Ron - Hell, no!
Ron jumps out onto the backgammon board and is immediately crushed by one of the white pieces.
Harry - Now that's what I'd call checkmate! Ba-zing!
Hermione - Ron! You're not allowed to move onto the opposing white points! And roll the dice first! You great ninny.
Ron - I- I think I've dislocated my tailbone...
Harry - (pleading) No, Ron. You're fine. Everything will be okay. Please, Ron, get up. You have to get up, Ron!
Ron - (wheezed) You go on without me. I just want to let you know that I... I... blagh!
Hermione - (agonized) NOOOOOOOO!
Music begins. It is a bright cheery number with lots of dancing and leaping.
Chorus - Backgammon! Sha la la la la la! Backgammon! Sha la la la! Backgammon! Oooh Oooh! Backgammon!
Hogwarts, the forbidden corridor. Despite only thirty minutes having passed (including an interval) we are now at the grand finale. Harry faces Voldemort (It is implied by the Chorus through interpretive dance that Hermione stayed behind to grieve over Ron's dead body and was killed by one of the dice).
Voldemort – (spoken) I cannot be defeated! Give me the Philosopher’s Stone!
Harry – (spoken) No.
Voldemort – (spoken) Oh dear. It seems I have been defeated. Time to go drown myself.
Exit Voldemort. Enter Chorus, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Snape for reprise of Go, Go, Go Harry. At a point in the song Hagrid breaks away to perform a break dance solo. Then the music continues. Harry is raised on wires as the music crescendos. The music suddenly changes to a slow, majestic version of "You're a Wizard," with a large amount of trumpets and cymbal crashes.
Chorus - (sung in 10-part harmony) He's a wizard!
Harry - (sung in very high falsetto voice) I'm a wizard, and I'm okay! I'm a wizard who uses his wand in a special way!
Chorus - He's a wizard! He uses his wand in a special way! And he's one of a-
Harry points his wand toward the roof. Lightning and fireworks shoot extravagantly from the tip
Chorus - Kind!
Hogwarts, the Great Hall. More of the story has been skipped. Lots of students (Chorus) sing. Snape glowers randomly at people (this is his only function in the musical). Time Magazine.
Daniel Radcliffe..sings...kisses...spellbinds the audience into accepting Harry Potter as the Dancing Queen of Hogwarts. Washington Post
...best musical since Barack O'Bama and the Little Green Men of Ireland.... New York Times
..the love and duet scenes between Daniel Radcliffe and Ralph Fiennes melt the heart.. Christian Science Monitor
..Essentially shit.. London Sunday Times