Illiterate
The cornerstone of French foreign policy since the time of Charles de Gaulle, Illiterate is the practice of making a disrespectful mess of some other nation's property. The purpose of this policy is to raise the prestige of France. However, it is doomed to failure as the rest of the world is in on the idea, a fact unacknowledged by its propogators.
Worldwide Struggle[edit | edit source]
Government signage has been posted everywhere to combat the Illiterati, but French agents have been quite successful at carrying out the nefarious deeds the policy requires. Members of the regular Army or the Foreign Legion may request to be transferred to special training units to learn the skills. Although content is shrouded under national security, the main dictum of Stop, Drop and Roll has been revealed: Stop and check that no one is watching, Drop the item, and eat a French Roll nonchalantly while sauntering away. Further, trainees are exhorted to "Litter Like No One is Watching".
The United Nations' Task Force on Illiteracy has been struggling for consensus since its inception in 1980 following a great French advance, the littering of the space shuttle Challenger. Even President Reagan had to admit that American prestige had been damaged, and nobody was looking at France. For a time it seemed the policy might actually be working. But then a general strike occurred and everybody remembered what dicks the French were as Europe ground to a halt. The UN working group has yet to even come up with an agreed-upon definition of illiteracy, discarding several crumpled possibilities to the floor.
In France, calling one 'illiterate' is a term of endearment and acknowledgment of service to the state. Elsewhere, one knows one has been frightfully insulted, but doesn't know why.
Related Practices[edit | edit source]
Dumping, whereby France attempts to improve its economic position via zero-sum game, is the procedure of either:
a) taking unwanted goods out to the middle of the ocean and throwing them over the side, thereby decreasing supply and raising the price of that good (this was attempted with Gerard Depardieu, but proved unsuccessful as he was bouyed back up to the surface by his nose)
b) glutting the marketplace with a certain product so that the price is driven down (again a failure as demonstrated with the infamous Iron Chef France Incident).
Leaving Things Behind by Accident, whereby France attempts to lead the world in an area by distracting other nations from a certain topic. In the United States, this is being wrestled with by the Leave No Child Behind Act. In how many obituaries, though, does one read "He leaves behind his wife"?