Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, make it so.
Ahh, the most friendly woman you will ever meet! She is totally fun to talk to! Don't believe me? Well, I haven't tried to prove my point yet.
Ahem[edit | edit source]
I can never get enough of her "hems" – they are just so not annoying.
She interrupts every (ahem) sentence you speak. That is so utterly (ahem) not distracting. And every time she does it, it gets (ahem) louder. It's almost as if she's (AHEM) magic!
Yes Professor Umbridge? Oh, you want me to go to detention in your office for talking about Voldymort? Sure! I enjoy it there, with the creepy moving cat pictures on every square inch of wall. Nowhere in school is better! Yes, I'm coming. Let me just talk to this guy here who asked about you.
Why she is so nice[edit | edit source]
Wow, if I were older, or she younger ... Why are you looking at me like that? Anyway, Umbridge is very nice. She even makes me make a large gaping cut in the back of my hand that says "I must tell lies". It was very pleasant and if anything, I actually like this scar that will never come off. I mean the one on my hand, not the one on my forehead.
You might be thinking how that is so insanely horrible, but it is actually quite nice!
Another feature I love about Umbridge is her toad-like face. Totally loveable! Makes you think if you kiss it, she'll turn into a witch – the nice kind, not one with warts.
She also overuses pink. How she made me just love pink so, I will never know. Her favorite poison is pink, too!
The cat obsession[edit | edit source]
I'd never liked cats. Not after Hermionie's cat always tries to eat Scabbers (a rat that used to belong to my friend Ron). But cats in pictures are so cute, especially when the pictures somehow make constant noises that are so not annoying!
Who made the cat plates to begin with, you ask? A wizard did it!
I might just ask if I can take some of her cat porn and start collecting for myself! I might huff some kittens into my own small collection of plates! Then I might eat off the plates! That would motivate me to eat my mouldy carrots back at home so I can see the nice lovely cats screeching angrily at me for making it dirty! Well, might, anyway.
I'll take you with me to detention if you don't mind[edit | edit source]
Might be able to show you those magic cat plates. I almost forgot, she is the wonderful headmaster! "Of which school?" you ask. Silly question, really. I thought it was St. Mundo's For The Criminally Insane! I'm not actually insane, but from that time I tried to walk through a barrier on platform 10, well ...
Up we go into her lovely room. Aren't the cat pictures just so adorable! It fills the room with "meow" so you can't hear anything else!
Yes, Professor Umbridge, I'm sitting down. I've got that strange pen that cuts into my hand as I write. It's amazing! Oww! See, a deep cut. Proof that I've done it hundreds of times already! Owwweowww! And h-her smile as I f-feel t-the pain is heartwarming. And as she does nothing but sit there, I can't help but not care the fact that she disbanded my team, while allowing all the others to reform.
Oh, and she hates half humans. My best teacher friend is half human, half giant. It really is unfortunate. I guess I must ditch him if I'm to be with her more often.
DA[edit | edit source]
We started to learn Defence Against The Dark Arts by ourselves since her classes were too lovely, I never actually remember anything in them.
Dumbledore's Army, the place other kids plot against her, and they think her lessons are useless! I know, right? It's just crazy. I was planning on reporting the DA, but then I remember I founded it. Sigh ...
She made any "unendorsed clubs" within the school illegal, ever since we talked about it under her noses. Speaking of rules ...
Rules[edit | edit source]
I think this is rule number ... 105? Very bureaucratic. Just how I like it!
The inquisition squad make sure we follow the rules. That means that they can break them. The leader took fifty points off me as he just hated me. That is quite rude.
Silly rules they are. All so I can't tell "lies" about Voldymort. But the thing is, the I wasn't lying! Voldymort has returned, and that goddam Umbridge won't let me warn the world about it! Oww Owww Owww Argh! The pain! IT BURNS!