Diarrhea
“When your sitting in the bush and your anal shit starts to squash, Diarrhea”
Diarrhea, or also called Diarrhoea for the British, can simply be described as; "when your asshole is taking a piss." (it's literal Latin translation) It can also be described on several different levels depending on it's frequency and level of intensity. In most cases it is a word to describe sewer-water blasting from the human rectum, but it can also describe such other variants. Such an example might be reviewing personal opinions about politicians’ speeches, like "He/She/They has constipation of ideas, and diarrhea of the mouth". The consensus is diarrhea is a psychological condition, and nothing else.
There are many misconceptions about this condition: first of all, many consider it a disease; secondly, some consider it a bad thing. In truth, diarrhea is an essential part of weight loss. Many famous pop stars are diarrheacs, such as Jennifer Lopez, Hannah Montana, Lindsay Lohan, Ghandi, Pope Benedict XVI and Paris Hilton. Yet, most people are opposed to these corrupt ideas. Diarrhea has a long and dark history in our planet, which is seen below:
History[edit | edit source]
Diarrhea was a genetic augumentation created in Taco Bell in the year 2045 BC used to speed up creation of bean burritos. Apparently, the fast food slaves weren't creating enough produce to keep up with the flow of customers. Diarrhea was originally synthesized by Paul Muller, who later used this chemical composition to kill insects. He was a low-class chef in taco bell and wanted to impress his boss in order to get a raise. His boss used the formula and created diarrhea, and bean burrito production increased one-hundredfold. The critics were impressed with this. Of course, many people noticed how the slave workers could still eat and lose weight like crazy with diarrhea, and it became a large trend. Wars started over the formula, since so many wanted it. It was known to cause gastrointestinal destruction or otherwise known as a gastrointestinal train wreck. Some describe diarrhea as a roller coaster in their colon which results in fecal matter that looks like snow and smells like pine. That is one reason the recipe is coveted so much. Not only can you lose weight, it makes you feel like you are at an amusement park too!!
- Diarrhea Wars
This was the long struggle between the english and the french more well known as the 100 years war that was started because of a fight over the diarrhea formula. Of course, these days, a fight over diarrhea would seem prepostorous, and anyone who would think of fighting over it would seem like a fool. The english and the french Were so humiliated by this fact that they covered up the whole thing with some sham about religious ideals and territorial disputes and what not.
- The crap compromise
In order to settle disputes over diarrhea, The english and the French made sure everyone had a chance to be infected with diarrhea by putting the formula in rivers, lakes, mosquitos, and other sources from which we can contract diarrhea today. And there was a big "Huzzah!" Heard across the world. They put the largest store of diarrhea in Mexico, kept, and worshipped by the aztecs themselves. This was where the pope had to interject. Continued in the next episode of Diarrhea!!!
- Popes interjection
After thousands of years of shitting and eating that shit, people began to question the whole point and the morals behind it. The pope was the first to do so. He thought "Why are we bathing in our own shit?!!! It's fucking Disgusting!!!" Of course, many consider this speech to be heresy, and so the written record of this speech was removed from the vatican archives and placed in the dark reaches of hollywood; The vatican knew that this speech could later be used in a blockbuster movie. Then people began noticing how disgusting eating shit was. Just listen to your nose! At this time, around 1500 AD, people all began to actually use their nose. This is because before then, no one ever thought of picking their nose, so they got so stuffed up, they couldn't smell. The pope at the time, however, had a strange, never before seen, tendency of picking it. He was the first human being to smell. After a long speech, the pope had replaced eating shit with picking noses. So, whenever you see someone picking their nose, realize that they are holy people, and that you must worship them, since they are holy people. Do not throw stones at them and call them dorks, drop to your knees and bow to them. After all, they are holy messengers.
Levels of diarrhea[edit | edit source]
- Average Shit. the average shit you take when you don't have diarrhea. Wait... this is not diarrhea! WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST CAME INTO?!?!11111?!!1.
- Burning Diarrhea. the most hot diarrhea you can get.
- Severe Diarrhea. If you have that, then welcome to toilet hell. Better get diarrhea butt deluge.
- Ebola Diarrhea. Welp ok, you're pooping liquid. Y'know, because you have Ebola?
- Explosive Diarrhea. The latest and greatest on the diarrhea that Microsoft Sam shits in his Diarrhea Infested Toilet. Enjoy the constant exploding shit coming from your ass.
- Rocket Propelled Diarrhea. Better to be a pilot flying an attack ROFLcopter at the Communist Linux Penguin Army than to be taking a massive dump and next thing you know you flown through the bathroom and you still haven't wiped your ass with that.
- Volcanic Diarrhea. All your troubles with Iceland, The Yellowstone super volcano, and Hawaii are over. Probably because you have diarrhea that has the potential to end the world by diarrhea after eating 600,000 fiery tacos from Taco Bell. Molten hot shit will propelled in the air.
- Nuclear Diarrhea. When you eat a radioactive bean burrito from Taco Bell while having explosive diarrhea it creates an Incredibly painful state of severe explosive diarrhea. You may have to say goodbye to your anus,your bathroom walls and possibly your own life. You want diarrhea that is 500X more powerful than North Korea's nukes? then you can have this.
- Waterfalls. It’s NOT DIARRHEA! Not diarrhea! You’re just having a refreshing, healing experience of IT’S NOT DIARRHEA peeing out your butt IT’S NOT DIARRHEA to rid yourself of toxins and parasites! Oops, I pooped!
- Atomic diarrhea. If you have this. Than say goodbye to your entire house,loved ones and ass. Anything will get incinerated by a mushroom cloud made out of a hot gaseous form of shit in a 1000 mile radius from your house or dumpster where ever the fuck you shit at. A severe form of nuclear diarrhea.
- Asteroidic diarrhea. When you have atomic diarrhea in a space station and the shit gets propelled so hard that it starts burning in the earth’s atmosphere,crashes and ends all life on earth with shit debri crashing across the world.
- Supernova diarrhea. When you hold in atomic diarrhea,nuclear diarrhea and eat 900,000 supreme bean burritos from Taco Bell it will create a devastating nuclear reaction that will have the amount of power as a supernova and will obliterate everything near it.
- Taco Bell Calamity. When you order the entire Taco Bell menu from every single known location of Taco Bell and hold in a large amount of atomic diarrhea, this amount of diarrhea will not only end the world, but the universe. Make that the multiverse.
- The Hell Shit Hole. When you conqured or skip the entire levels of Diarrhea. Aka the Fucking Final Boss of all the Diarrhea. Expect doom scrolling on TikTok with this one.
Diarrhea cha-cha[edit | edit source]
The late great George Carlin once said, "I like to think about things, things you normally would not have time to think about." So in tradition of that line we begin our article on diarrhea, written by those who say "We think about the shit that George forgot to mention." Sure, none of us knew him personally, so he would probably be thoroughly disgusted, but then again, why else would you be reading this section, huh? (You were expecting maybe ... the Addams Family?)
Now that we have dispensed with the bullshit and bad quotes from bad movies, lets get our hands dirty with the human flow of things.
Brown liquid[edit | edit source]
So, plain old regular diarrhea is something we are all familiar with. It can be caused by a number of things; overly greasy foods, spicy food, warm salt water, McDonalds which only works on most people, dairy foods, too much fruit, Entertainment Tonight, listening to Lady Gaga music, or by going to a Justin Bieber concert.
Your common form of Diarrhea feels like your butthole is trying to launch you into space. Some people believe that Diarrhea could possibly launch a man to Mars someday; but we think those people are fucking idiots. Common effects of Diarrhea can eventually lead to a feeling similar to shooting molten lava out of your butt, causing you to feel like your asshole is on fire. Therefore we believe it is safe to say Diarrhea is not pleasant, however when studies went underway by experts at Cambridge University; Results came back indicating that 6 in 10 people suffer from Diarrhea. Which the only logical result indicated, that if 6 people suffered from it, the other 4 must enjoy it?
You must be purged![edit | edit source]
The induction of diarrhea has become an industry of Alternative Health. Forget everything actual medical doctors experienced in the science of the human bowel have told you, you are full of 40 pounds of shit, infested with Rope Worms, Candida, and probably the contents of a small armory, if you aren’t shitting liquid and blood 30 times a day!
The only answer to this shituation is to purge yourself, and there are a myriad of options from having your butt literally power-washed by a certified colon hydrotherapist, to dousing your food in Essential Oils, to drinking more salt than seawater, bleach, or turpentine. You can even combine them all for a complete and thorough purge!
Every way except down[edit | edit source]
This occurs often after you have eaten too many rice crackers and it feels like you are dumping out liquid foam. Your Diarrhea becomes a light fluffy substance that when deposited from the anus with force, does not have the weight ratio to fall straight down and obey the laws of gravity when using great force to release it. This kind of reaction causes the sprayed release to aim for the sides of the inner toilet bowl. Think of it like one of those adjustable hose attachments on garden hoses; your normal flow of Diarrhea is like having the nozzle set to stream; the water is released in a single flow in a somewhat straight line; but if you twist the nozzle in the opposite direction, the water spouts outwards in every direction but straight down.
That is what this form of Diarrhea is like; the harder you push, the higher the spray in every direction but down. Some people describe the event as being like a human made vortex spiraling out of a man made black hole... but those people also beleive Chuck Norris is still considered cool... and besides, the hole is brown, not black.
Concentrated flow[edit | edit source]
Also during this form of release, you may notice that your butt can flow faster and more greater then you can handle without having to stop for a second, take a deep breath, and continue where you left off. After time and with enough practice, you will learn that power-squeezing is not the best option for this type of Diarrhea. Simple breathing, staying calm and a little concentration will help you achieve a full diarrhetic release without having to stop for air when all you need to do is remember to breath and not hold your breath; Sitting in on Lemar's classes can greatly help this situation.
Sloppy Joes[edit | edit source]
This is the type of bottom-vomit that combines the previous descriptions. It can start off with a simple flow, but as pressure builds up in your squeezing, the flow shifts from Niagara Falls to liquid fire-works with mini explosions occurring constantly. Many people have described the sound and feeling to be that like an old pick-up truck glugging along with the occasional crackling backfire.
Prayer diarrhea[edit | edit source]
This level of the squirts is when even atheists begin to believe in God once again to listen to their pleading prayers to exorcise this demon from their ass and back to hell from which where it came.
In all cases, what to expect[edit | edit source]
In most cases you can be guaranteed that once you have finished and done wiping up, that is the key moment your ass is going to ring the bell for round 2. This moment can occur just as you stand up, just as you flush, or may wait a few minutes just to tease you. One particular way it loves to tease you is in the early hours of the morning, when you are trying to sleep, or have been asleep a short while, your bed is all nicely warm and comfortable, and suddenly one of the previous descriptions is about to take place.
Impatience takes over and you just want to get this shit over and done with as soon as possible, and get back into that warm comfortable bed. Once what we described has come to an end, you manage to get back into your warm comfortable bed, tuck yourself in, close your eyes and that's the precise moment your stomach will gurgle, you feel the presence of the demon once again in your bowels, and you have to rush back to the can while your butt screams "MWUAHAHAHA".
This can happen several times again over and over in one night, and in some cases last for days. Unfortunately, ignoring it, holding it in, and/or plugging it up with a cork are not effective, as was proven by Jamie Hieniman and Adam Savage in episode 12 of Mythbusters in 2004. However complete removal of the bowel did result in "plausible". Also see: vasectomy
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
Quite often the first round of explosive anal protest is the worst. This will result in you needing to clean up the mess is has left. Depending on if you had a straight flow flush or an any direction but down blast, will depend on how much toilet paper you are going to need to wipe it off with.
It is never ever recommended to use the same toilet-paper dosage as any solid anal evacuation would. Using only one to three sheets of T.P can result in unpleasant softening of the already soft tissue, causing it to become moist enough that all 3 or so layers of the paper turn to mush. This will result in the Diarrhea's aftermath getting onto your hands and stinking them up, or if you're a index finger wiper, your finger can break through the mushy tissue and end in you just running your finger through your butt-crack, and... enough has already been said to explain this situation. We are sure you have experienced this for yourself already, and know the torment of trying to wash that stuff out from under your fingernails, but it just seems to still be there.
Wrap-up time[edit | edit source]
Even when you use soaps and disinfectants, you probably have made your fingers so clean you can eat off them! It's that ghost-smell that has tattooed itself to your nostrils that makes you believe it is still there and you can't escape your subconscious remembering where that particular finger had been recently. Which is really just annoying when you need to chew your fingernails.
The best way to avoid finger-breakthrough or misjudgment wiping, is simply wrapping T.P around your hand like a glove, then clean the effected area softly. This is what we call the "mummification wipe"
