Stones are the single most important objects on Earth. Stones are very lifelike and hard. Stones are not rocks, but stones. People that work with stones are called stoners and used grass to heat there stones so the stone becomes happy. Stoners don't have a lot of money because stones are discriminated against and people with stones are arrested by cops.
Use of Stones in Modern Warfare
The stone, is a powerful modern weaponry, rapidly replacing the nuclear weapons as the most powerful weapon ever. Previously used by the Jamaican people to create the Jamaican Empire, which spanned entire galaxies. The leader of the Jamaicans, Fergilicious, once said, referring to his stone army, "Our stones are so powerful, that my penis is smaller than you!".
Also, a rapidly advancing new technology is the ICBS, Inter-Continental Ballistic Stones. It is famous for the recent ICBS tests going on in North Korea, which is the called the NK Stone Crisis. Another famous Stone crisis is the Cuban Stone crisis, which could have led to a Stone War, inevitably leading to a Stone Winter.
The Stones are a delicate weapon to handle with, due to the difficulties in disarming them. The USA alone have enough Stones to destroy half the world.
The Terracotta army, previously thought to be random pot soldiers standing around, actually turned out to be a Stone Army relic, from the times of the Jamaican Empire. The Chinese are researching ways to reawaken this army and conquer the world and then destroy it, as a sacrifice to the great god, Fergilicious. Amen to that.
“Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me”
“Look out! It's a STONE!!!”
Appearance and Features
Stones are essentially rocks that are smooth with the ladies, and have a smooth texture. They have no organs, but are somehow semi-sentient and can talk. I don't know how they do that either. I assume that magical faeries from the 9th Dimension (the one made entirely out of flaming plastic) came and animated the stones in an attempt to conquer the human race by amazing us with these stones. The attempt failed miserably, since the president at the time decided to nuke the 9th Dimension which solved all our problems.
Some other important features are:
- Stones use oxygen to make antimatter (which explodes upon contact with non-anti stuff), which is why you shouldn't invade their lair deep under the earth which is sealed off in a glass tube covered in magnets.
- Stones are different from a stone. Stones are actually a collective race of animated rocks which are really, really smooth. A stone is a living rock. See? Big difference.
- Stones made the hole in the ozone layer.
- Stones attack in packs and hunt their prey with heat vision, then get in close and fry them with laser beams.
- Stones have been noted to respond to perceived acts of kindness. As such, a stone can be trained in home defence, though must be kept on a leash and kept away from small children.
- If you sit on stones, they release bees as a defense mechanism.
- The stones are constantly in concert and travel the world. They now have hundreds of farewell concerts. The count is up to 1,456,236,678,109.
The Supreme Leader of the Stones
This man is the one who controls the stones, his name is Fergilicious. Every single one is an extension of his mind. He can not be stopped. He will have his revenge. The good news is that he's dead. He has been dead for 50 years. The bad news is that this has not stopped him. He lives on in the hearts and minds of emos, and controls his people from their brains and hearts. This is why many people hate emos. He originally came to our world from the 9th Dimension to form an army to conquer earth. He actually caused Europe to give itself up, but the president of the United States of American Express (they had bought the rights to name our country at the time)nuked their home dimension, which caused them to flee in terror. He returned home, and the stones into the earth, but the radiation from the bomb mutated and retarded the man, and he was easily defeated by the American army (after four years of pitched combat and a $5 Billion dollar war strategy).
Stones are useless, but they are useful, which is apparently a paradox therefore this sentence will cease to exist. Stones are useful as there are thousands of millions of ones of reasons why stones are awesome. Stones can be used:
- To hit stuff. Stones are excellent for hitting crap with.
- To kill vampires. Vampires are stupid and will attempt to suck the blood out, and there is no blood in stones.
- To aid in the digestion of food. In ancient times, dinosaurs ate rocks to help them digest food, which led to the extinction of many species of dinosaurs due to their detrimental effects on the bowels of a living creature.
- To summon daemons and evil spirits. Stones can be inscribed with runes to summon horrific beasts such as the ORLY owl and horrendous devices such as ROFLCOPTERS and LOLLERSKATES.
- To repel Satan. If you throw a rock at his head, it hurts him. Because stones are hard and stuff. Stones may also be useful in fighting Stan.
- To break your teeth. Sometimes dentists recommend chewing on stones to damage your teeth so you'll pay them to fix your chompers.
- To smash nerds. A different use from #1, stones can be used as 'nerdsmashers'. The most famous nerdsmasher actually developed a mind of its own and began to live a life of its own. It currently lives at 567 West ABC Street in California, and enjoys fishing, knitting, and tennis.
- To defeat Cthulhu. Only stones can defeat the ultimate evil...for some reason...
- To conquer Europe. Europeans can't comprehend the awesome power of stones and therefore bow to their will.
- To win World War II. They used use #9 to cause the Nazis to give up.
- To create the Jamaican Empire, by being used as ICBSs
- As Ben Wah balls. If you don't know what they are, ask your mum.
- Are good tools to throw at emus or terri irwin when you visit Australia zoo
- Are useful to throw at UFC's (unidentified flying cats)
- Are used to chisel into footballs(a favorite hobby of Mama Luigi's).
How to Deal with Stones
Stones are not much of an issue anymore since their home dimension has been nuked, but the few remaining stones still pose a threat to the human race since they swore revenge upon America after we nuked them. They are difficult to defeat, but they shouldn't be much of a problem if you follow these safety guidelines:
- If you see one, don't move. Stones can sense movement.
- Don't touch them unless you can convince them that what you about to use them for is a worthy purpose. Otherwise they explode.
- Don't feed them.
- Don't lick them. Because they're dirty. I mean, they sit in the dirt all day and stuff, so...why would you lick them?
- Don't wet them. They expand when wet, sort of like a sponge, but they then roll after you Indiana Jones style.
- Never EVER ejaculate on one. They take offense at this and get incredibly angry when this occurs, and if it does happen, they make your reproductive organs fall off. And you get crabs too. Then the crabs hide and you die.
Follow these rules, and you should be safe unless they actually attack. Then we're doomed.