Rock and Roll (food)
- You may be looking for Rock and Roll and not even know it!
A traditional Estonian dish, Rock and Roll (Estonian: Rõukkningroileduvreit) is a longtime favorite meal of citizens of all shapes, sizes, and colors, except for the rogue bands of disillusioned peasants who ravage the countryside and fling poo (fecal matter, not to be confused with the Latvian dessert, Pū). Connoisseurs of Rock and Roll, Estonian or not, are known as Estoners.
The origins of this essential Estonian dish are shrouded in mystery; most of their history comes from long-extant legends that are accepted as fact by some Estoners. Historians generally agree that Rock and Roll was first served sometime in the first century A.D., when Estonians grew tired of eating sand, almost to the point of rebellion. Royal chefs were charged with creating a new national delicacy that would sate the masses. The legendary Reinholt Deinholtipoeg came forth with a bold new recipe combining the traditional Estonian taste for high-mineral foods with the popular trend emerging throughout the rest of Europe: "edible" foods. Rock and Roll, while no longer the nation's "official" recipe, remains a favorite among all Estonians.
Preparation and Serving
The ingredients required for rock and roll are a rock and a hard dinner roll of approximately equal size. Optimally, diners should experience difficulty differentiating between the stone and the bread. Preparing Rock and Roll can be summed up in two easy steps.
The first, and most critical, step of preparation is putting the roll on the plate. Some chefs opt not to include a plate in the process out of personal taste, instead placing the roll upon a crude saucer or the back of a moldy swine.
Step two is nearly identical to step one and almost as important. It involves placing the second ingredient, the rock, upon the same plate or swine. For most Estonians, this is easier said than done.
While Estoners can enjoy Rock and Roll by itself, many do not consider a Rock and Roll meal complete without a garnish of random pig parts and a cannabis seasoning. Furthermore, like most Estonian cuisine, it is always served with alcohol, usually beer. This is one of few rules in the world that has no exceptions. Some attempt to spice up their rock and roll by lighting their dishes on fire or operating their utensils with their teeth, though since the '60s these histrionics have fallen out of vogue.
Rock and Roll is also served at almost every Estonian holiday, including Esmaspäev, Teisipäev, Kolmapäev, Neljapäev, Laupäev, Pühapäev, and Reede.
Rock and Roll in Popular Culture
The song "Rock and Roll" by the little-known band Led Zeppelin was inspired by a particularly heady dinner of Rock and Roll eaten by guitarist Jimmy Page during a vacation in Estonia. "I knew that if I was going to Estonia I had to be stoned," said Page in an interview, "and boy did I get stoned." Currently, Page himself is somewhat skeptical of the causality implied in this origin story, as it's been a long time since he's had Rock and Roll.
However, in 2009 he expressed his intention to "let me get it back, back where I came from." This befuddling statement leads some to wonder if Page had been recently stoned, and it hadn't been such a long, lonely, lonely time, after all.
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