Geography of Estonia

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Estonia is happily located between Poland and Greenland, just considerbly left from China and slightly above the middle of earth. Moscow has nothing to do with Estonia. Icetonia, is a place, when hell [Earth's core] freezes over. If you want to know, how does it feel in a Гулаг (Gulag), then this is the place.

Tartu[edit | edit source]

History[edit | edit source]

Tartu is the capital of Estonia from 1976 B.L. - as it is marked in the chronicles. It is considered to be one of the largest cities in YouRope, consisting of 456 square kilometres of land and 2000 tons of bad air. Most of its so-called population consists of young and pleasantly drunk people (also known as students from Tartu University). They can be recognised by many beer cans in their hands. Hamlet from Shakespeare was also a student of Tartu University and one morning he said famous words 'Two beers or not (just) two beers - that is the question'. After a short discussion with himself (180 milliseconds or so), he took about ten beers and drank them in the following five hours. By then he was missed his lecture and had to go to Tartu University. When Denmark bought Tartu, Hamlet was elected Danish Prince by the majority of Latvians. In the Great Northern War, Tartu was completeley levelled and the only building which was left, was a... *drum battering* A Sauna. The sauna, of course, was also destroyed, when the soldiers from Russland overused it (Or made it malfunction, ´we never may know...)

People[edit | edit source]

As the living inhabitants of Tartu are known to be quite scarce, they have made monument for every single one of them - just to feel more cozy. Every 100 000th inhabitant gets their very special statue with a number. There are 16 people with statue for 100 000th (You can calculate by yourself how many people live in Tartu). Tartu is the home of comedian/hockey player Samuel L. Jackson. In Tartu live Estonia's only 2 known emos, one emo girl and one emo boy. Emos are extremely rare in Estonia because emo blood is the only known cure against Estonian cancer and emo blood is also used for painting walls. Also, emo meat is used for making Mäkdonalds burgers.

Women[edit | edit source]

Anu Saagim, the high priestess of PUTS (Prostitution United with the Tits of Saagim)

You can see plenty of beautiful women in Tartu. But only if You are blind of course.

The estonian women are so beautiful, that most men get instantly a boner and turn into stone. That's why there is a large amount of stone statues in Estonia and a very small population. Though many of the men are stone figures, sex is still very popular all over the country. It is a natural thing for estonians, because their first king Son of Kube got laid for the first time when raping a young Finnish girl. Every year the estonian men travel to Finland to celebrate their king's fucking spree and to rape Finnish women. This event is also called "Kull ja Kiri", about 2/5 of the women in Finland are raped in the process of the raging estonian men.

All Estonian women belong to a special female organisation, a sacred sisterhood. It is for short PUTS. The order's leader is Anu Saagim, who is the high priestess and also the vice president of Estonia.

Public transport issues in Tartu[edit | edit source]

Public transport has become a huge problem in Tartu, it is even so bad, they call it pubic transport. The buses go at times which are just strange, number 4, the most homosexual bus of them all, comes too often (that's what she said), also, there are really strange people on buses, who sing loudly or just seem to be under the effect of harmful drugs.

Homoharem in Tartu[edit | edit source]

Recently there has been very much gossip and rumours about the fact that the Homoharem is gaining influence again. None can prove this, but it is known that a small group of 17 year old schoolboys have restored the ancient secrets of the Harem and by unleashing the forbidden knowledge, have gained unlimited powers and urges to things they never even dreamed of.

The University of Tartu[edit | edit source]

The University of Tartu was founded in the city centre of Tartu. Then again it was losted many times and nowadays no one really knows where to find it. Therefore the real university of Tartu is called Estonian University of Life Sciences (Eesti Maaülikool) and in order to not forget the lost university the University of Life Sciences has little branch called the University of Tartu.

There are also 1337 professors. But more importantly, there is this legendary Club of Physicists by Accident that, I bet, you've not yet heard of. Their main activity is beer-studing and sauna-side-effects-research-on-beer-studding (or simply BS & SSERoBS). They have also changed all the laws of Newton and now they can drink more beer and have more fun in Toomemägi (eng. City Council Mountain) with female students.

[1] You can check here how look Tartu people now in present day It looks weird before 6 beers.

Vocational School of Tartu[edit | edit source]

Tartu Kutsehariduskeskus (in Estonian) is the biggest in all the lands. When an estonian child reaches the age of 16, they must make a choice - to continue their education, go to work or go to The Vocational School of Tartu. When chosen latter, the student must travel by bus number 4 (mentioned in the public transportation section of the article) twice a day and scram together in a throwaway swedish bus like pigs in a factory farm.

Contrary to popular belief, the school offers no education of any kind and is meant to keep youngsters in a guarded place, where they take their afternoon nap and smoke tobacco. No successful person has even step foot in this awful place as most graduates slowly die of AIDS.

Tartu City Hall[edit | edit source]

Tartu City Hall is situated near the Mount Pirogov (a 200 m high peak in the centre of the Pirogov Square). However, the exact coordinates of the City Hall are still unclear, due to constant flame wars. You can ask anytime from anybody where the Pirogov is. If you have more than 2 beer cans in your hands you will find a pathfinder within seconds; and once you have consumed more than two litres of beer, you will find the way all by yourself.

Neighbors[edit | edit source]

Tartu has many neighbours with whom they want to keep good relationship, but this is a fight with windmills. Want to know why? Because there are blood-thirsty neighbours at the west, about 7 km from Tartu is a place called Ilmatsalu. The folks of Ilmatsalu are terrifying the ones in Tartu and don't let them live in peace. Sometimes they take Nissan type cars (like Primera or Sunny) and come to Tartu for street racing. Always a few or some pedestrians get hit by surprise and they have to be transported to the Clinic of Tartu University where pieces of their bodies are going to be surgeoned back together. All that crap is led by Ilmatsalu's most famous man - Erik "The Red Viking".

Also, there are some bad-behiving neighbors from city called Elva. Elva is known because its crappy skateboarder - Romario Siimer, crappy cardrivers and loud weed-parties. Elva is also snus-capital of Estonia. The people from Elva are terrorizing Tartu's folks, they have taken over almost every nightclub in Tartu, including 'Club Tallinn', 'Illusioon', 'Ahi' etc. These damn Elvasians leave their snus pillows lying everywhere. They have also captured all the nice girls fom Tartu.

Tallinn[edit | edit source]

Tallinn was considered as being a part of David Hasselhoff's right butt-cheek. However after TV shows cancelation, Tallinn announced independence from Davids butt and became the capital of Estonia. Due to its geographical location Tallinn attracts huge amount of FDI (Finnish Drunk Idiots) and/or Russian mob.

Tallinn is a small hamlet in South-Northern Estonia near Abja-Paluoja and Elva, mostly known by cheap beer and hot women, or the other way around, i.e. hot beer and cheap women—there are few who know for sure. The name derives from a local "tall inn" frequented by giants. In some cases "Tall inn" means "In Barn"

By estonian ancient stories, A man (Zombie?) comes out from Tallinn's lake Ülemiste, every year, to ask from the city's guardsmen a quantum-physics related question: "Is the city constructed yet?". If you would answer yes, then Tall the inn would get flushed down the toilet.

Notably, Tallinn is making a long shot bid for the 2020 Olympics.

Tallinn was founded in the Medieval Times by the Finnish kinsmen on the other side of the gulf, who needed a place to store their booze supplies. It was also designed to be a playground for drunken Finns, who still kindly help to decrease the amount of alcohol stored in Tallinn. Recently, huge crowds of Brits have been seen wandering around, too.

Tallinn (and some parts of Setomaa) is currently controlled by a group called MnG, short for Mines'n'Grenades, the official name of Estonian Terrorist Union.

People in Tallinn are using sunglasses on day and night. This helps them to keep work on their mind every time. Regular Tallin people have one track from time to time work-home and home-work. Teenagers spend their whole day in and Viru Keskus and hug each other without reason.

One of the most interesting feature of Tallinn is that Tallinn is the only populated place in Estonia and not owned by someone or something. Bars are very common here also. Grizzly Bars. That is. One of the most interesting bars in Tallin is The Pit Stop. This is a Karaoke Bar and most Saturday nights you will find a great variety of wannabe popstars or homosexual men. One of the most famous is SAMMY "THE PELVIS" WHITE. Great act. NOT TO BE MISSED!!!!!!

Kabja-Palujoja[edit | edit source]

Alfa-Abja-Paluoja a.k.a. "Da Sity" is the 3rd biggest city on the Planet Uranus. It has its own shop, little suburb called Tallinn, university and police office. It was founded in the 13. century by Al Bundy The Great. Everyone who live in Abja-Paluoja should buy their alcohol from Maret (located next to the bank). The official slogan of Abja-Paluoja, "Tõnn on munn" (meaning Dick is dick), whitch is carved in on every wall of the city. Most important national holiday in Abja-Paluoja is "mihklipäev" (day of Michael). Mihkel was the first person mentioning Abja-Paluoja. Like the very very first. It is common that people of Abja-Paluoja bring flowers to the stand of Statue of Mihkel because it is believed to bring good luck. All Abja citizens who refuse to bring flowers will get middle name "Tõnn" and therefore are considered as unlucky.

Narva[edit | edit source]

Border-town Narva located at the edge of unknown.

A peripheral area near Estonia. Usually it is seen as an island on the Gulf of Estonia. However, it may not be true, as the air near Narva is intoxicated and so there are few who dare to approach the deadly spot for further investigations.

It is believed that in the past Narva was a part of Greenland. But after hearing that alcohol in Estonia is much cheaper, inhabidants decided cut their little peninsula of the continent of North and row over the gulf. Soon the reached the southern shore and found out that life in esonia isn't easy at all. So they decided to go back to their homeland. But the costums officer was drunk from the cheap boose and lost documents of all Narvanians. From this day on Narva has stayed in the borderzone between Estonia and Greenland. The city of Jaanalind, which is populated by penguins only, lies on the Greenlandic side of the border. In World War II, When 'Dolph Hitler and Uncle Joe Staljn Prowled, the city has been completely annihilated, AND I MEAN TO THE DIRT.

Kapa-Kohila[edit | edit source]

The legend has it, that there lives a big urakas who has a little vamps . We don't know where KKK exactly is but we are sure that you don't want to go there. Second part of the name - Kohila is derived from word 'KILLAU', that means cutting off testicles.

Kohtla-Järve[edit | edit source]

It is a city in north east of Estonia. K-J`s meer is Venelane, Citizens are from Russia and so they can`t speak Estonian. They communicate with loud grunts, hissing and spitting. They are brought from Russia for work in ashmines. But there are also some native Estonians. They hope to leave one day but Estonian king has forget them so they have to survive (somehow).

The Estonian Imperial Mental Institution is located in Kohtla-Järve. There are no doctors - only psychos. They have to stay there for about 4 years and they learn to speak there (we are not yet sure how exactly they manage to learn there or even stay there as no one but them ever dares to enter. Especially not those who are able to teach. However, it is rumored that aliens and gay donkeys are involved). After their studies they are sent to Russia for ... NO MORE INFORMATION- THE INSTITUTION IS TOP SECRET

Pärnu[edit | edit source]

Pärnu mainly consists of yuppies swearing in English. Pärnu is the most mountainous city in Estonia, it's located in the highest mountain in the country - that would be The-Great-Egg-Hill -, but if we compare this so called "mountain" with some Italian mountain range, then we can modestly call it for a hill (315.25 m). So it's very complicated to come there, but still the city is too crowded in summer times. People will do whatever it takes to see the ocean in the centre of the city, it's well known for it's summer resorts underwater. Summer resorts are very popular with People really enjoy eating ice-cream and sour flavoured potato chips while swimming. Kids sell that crap at beach that is full of pretty flowers. There are no ways to get to Pärnu, so I guess you'll just have to find it. PS: No air traffic!

Ilmatsalu[edit | edit source]

Ilmatsalu is located in Southern Estonia. Most of estonian people call it just a village, but locals see it as a city. Scary, HUH! But don't worry, there are just enough police officers in Estonia, who can handle those messy people. Their brain size is quite equal to monkey's brain and neighbouring cities call them 'maakad' (hillbillies). Unfortunately they have some money (nobody knows how they get it), and have bought some old cool BMWs. They start tuuuning them with crappy visual stickers like 'ALPINE' or 'OZ Racing wheels', but if you look at their cars carefully you just can't find any of these items there. There is a myth that a sticker can prove your car 5 to 15 hp more power, but that's a myth and what they really have are lousy cars with earsplitting engine sound. They don't know anything about repairing their exhausted system or engine itself. Pity of them. But don't worry, there are only few people still living (~650) there.

Ilmatsalu is located near Haage. Haage is away more important and bigger city but less known. The members of the Haage gang are powerful Wiccans who can kill the Ilmatsalu people at any time. They have more important things to brag about, however, so you can hardly catch them actually killing anyone.

The mayor of Ilmatsalu is Tauno Tagel who wrote parts of this article and is for that deed mentioned in the book "5 Great People From Ilmatsalu And The Surroundings".

The real star of Ilmatsalu is a bald basketball--and-rap-star Qb (not to be mistaken as bbq (barbeque)), but he does not go to gym with Eerik, so he is not as known as Eerik is.

Jõgeva[edit | edit source]

Jõgeva is a metropol located next to Polish border. The town has incredible amount of architectural attractions including the oldest church in the world. The harbour of Jõgeva is well known around the world. Incredible progress during 1029 years has produced even more important harbour located on the shore of Estonian Gulf than Hamburg. The population of the city consists mostly of South American cannibals. Jõgeva is world-renowned for its production of Terry's Chocolate Oranges. After joining European Union inhabitants of Jõgeva have started rebuilding ancient pyramids of Laiuse with little help of EU-structural-funds. Those magnificant buildings were destroyed by Finnish alcoholics whose leader was famous Beldoma Jussinen.

Rockvere[edit | edit source]

Rockvere lies somewhere between on the trade route of Tartu and Russia. The city is one of the richest cities because a lot of merchants stop at Rockvere while carrying blood, sand or pickles to Tartu. And also due to a lot of Finnish tourists.

Rockvere is a quiet place... Even too quiet. When you want to get beaten up in Rockwere, you just have to: 1) do nothing 2)and stare blindly into the air 3) Optional - You have to be a 'outsider', like a S.T.A.L.K.E.R. . At nightfall, the local predators will shred you to pieces.

Rockvere is famous for having a huge bull on top of a hill, and noone really knows why it's there. The bull is also known as the multicoloured ball bull, as it's balls are constantly being painted depending on the weather and time of the year.

Also, the guy who wrote the only book written entirely in Estonian, (F.R. Kreutzwald) is from Rockvere. It is rumoured that the book was made while he got drunk with some Finnish tourists, waking up only to discover he had written a book of an oversized bastard vandalizing neighbouring countries.

Rockvere also has a castle. It's nice.

Kuressaare[edit | edit source]

A small town somewhere in a unknow location. A few years ago, archaelogist's found out, that Kuressaare has been lying on a stoned turtle, which might be a turtle of time (Hindu mythology?). Strong storm winds cause the island of Saaremaa to change its position on the world map. The old town of Kuressaare is so old that it exsisted even before the Sun started shining. Narrow medieval streets are so narrow that a fat person called Dick Chayney (or how do you write it in US and A) got stuck there and they had to demolish three blocks of buildings to save him. The moat of the old castle is the last known place where people saw the Loch Ness monster. wr0ng!!!

Saku[edit | edit source]

Saku is a big hole near Abja-Paluoja. Most of the people, who live in Saku, speak Flinstonian. Their most popular food in Saku (like marmalade in China) is fried water. The people are mostly from Atlantic Ocean and all the survivors of the Titanic catastrophy live there. Nobody in Saku can swim. That's why Saku's population has grown fifty six thousand billion x-gryllion times higher with 1 month. Saku's mayor is mr. Ardo Kärnaste. The political power belongs to gangs. The most known gang in Saku is Karla's gäng. Best known members are Karlike, Karl, Charlie and Caka. There is a brewery in Saku, which is in the bottom of Saku hole. It is the most non-un-popular brewery station in Mustamäe state. The people of Saku do not have problems with drinking because they don't like bottles. So they sell all the beer to Ventspils. There are many kindergarten-universities in Saku. The most popular school in Saku is Saku Õlletehase Ühiskümnaasjumi Instituut. The most famous Sakunian is Rudolf Albatross. He's the one who invented the rock. He is also the most loved Sakunian in Saku because he won the "Moodne Kodu 1870" [translation: Modern Home 1870] contest with the help of his cat. Saku Mõis is the son of the famous Estonian politician Jüri Mõis and lives near Saku Ocean, which is the best known swimming place there. When you mention the word Saku to estonians, they automatically say Õlu or Пиво (Beer in Estoinan and Russian). [Proven fact in South Estone].

The next most known man in Saku is Dj Ryan Angelos. No one knows his real name, but who cares? He has taken his cool nickname from the most fameous person in the World. He is small boy with big earphones. You can easily find him from the railway viaduct. You have to see his dancing skills - no one dances as good as he does. He mostly listens to hardstylish drance - the same what rullnoks! You can listen him in a local pub, where he plays his CD's (he doesn't play burned music, because it's not so high-quality. But someone, called DJ Finito, is playing burned music and therefore he is an enemy for him). In his deep heart, he is calm and genuine. You just have to meet him and get acquainted with him - his friends will be your friends. Link to his skill of dancing : Scroll down and download first, second and third video

Türi[edit | edit source]

Türi is a medieval Estonian city from 19th century and has two car parks. Türi is the second most famous city in Estonja right after Kulli, mostly cause of its resemblance to "Türa"(cock). Türi was wery poor town until 13th century, when journalist found this cocky place and then Türi started to flood of tourist from Rassja. Türi vas voted to be capital of Estonia with 5 votes, one from blind man and 3 votes from local drunks, finally one vote from an old cat who had kidney problems.

Valga[edit | edit source]

This akward small city was founded by a polish King who molested a young boy by the river, which was later named Pede-Ly ("pede" is pejorative for gay in east-onian). What used to be a thriving city under the rule of the soviets, now lays in ruins as most of the population of Valga has to take the bus to Elva, to work in a company called Enix that produces smegma for jewish people. It is estimated that 99.9 percent of the town is russian so nobody in Estonia really cares how this city manages to stay alive except for Sir. Heimar Lenk (the other 0.1 percent of the town), who is the king of Valga and proudly continues to molest young boys by the river that divides the city. The locals, as myself, refer Valga not as an small city, but as an big village (Biggest Village in mankind) or as an abomination.

Muhu island[edit | edit source]

Muhu island is not actually a town, its an island where really strange creatures crawl. The most famous creature is Odobenus rosmarus known also as the Walrus. The people of Muhu are really strange: first of all, they all look like women, except for the Walrus, secondly they don´t understand when people make fun of them (they just say "mis mõttes nagu?" = "what do you mean by that?"), and finally they are mostly uncivilized, running around, hunting walrusses, and make other stupid activities. They are also very short, average height is about 1.30-1.35, except for the Walrus, who is HUGE(it is impossible to measure her due to it`s big beer stomach). Once in the year they come all together and cut down the hay, then they pile it up and burn it down and then they jump through the fire for fun. Their traditions are strange, but their most special thing is "Muhu tikand", which deals with handcrafting.

Loolamay[edit | edit source]

Loolamay (also known as Lüllemäe, Gallows Hill, Bear Valley Central, Hole-in-the-Woods, and the 2011 Winner of the Largest per capita consumer of A le Coq's alcoholic products in Estonia) is the major centre of eastern South-Eastern Valgamaa, itself the 13th largest county in the great state of Estonia. This thriving megapolis, centre of the known world, has influenced its neighbours and is home to a thriving cultural industry known as the Kultuurimaja. Indeed, people from this village have subsequently gone on to achieve such grand things as producing children by the time they leave elementary school, at the tender age of 20; single-handedly supporting the entire brewery industry of Estonia; valiantly contributing to Estonia's massive overforestation problem by cutting down huge swathes of forest for winter; and sleeping with their cousins. Truly an enlightened people.

External links[edit | edit source]