Tallinn 2020 Summer Olympics Bid
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Final logo for the Tallinn Olympics, made with Microsoft Paint in an internet café computer in ten minutes.
The city of Tallinn is bidding for the 2020 Summer Olympics. However, the details of this bid are few and far between. What little information is known comes from from the bid interview with Estonian Olympics Committee CEO[1]
Tallinn Stadium[edit | edit source]
| “ | It's high time Estonia gets to be hosting the Olympic Games at last! We might not be amazing, but we do have some great places. Such as the A. Le Coq Arena, that you can see here on this polaroid, will be serving as the stadium for any track and field events. It might be named after beer, but it is not full of beer bottles and drunken hobos. Well, at least not once we clean it up. There is no need to worry about the stadium's normal function as a football stadium. We will probably put the goals to good use, we can throw away the nets and use the plastic support poles for the pole vault. Granted, it is true there is no clay surface for the runners to run on, but our researchers say that wet mud will function just as well, once we smooth it out and color some lines for the runners with paint. Don't worry, we'll use cheap paint. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Basketball[edit | edit source]
| “ | Basketball? Estonia does not have a long history of Basketball participation, so we do not have any true "venues", so to speak, but we can make do. Well, I guess we'll have to take some buckets and surely the government wouldn't mind if we took a few traffic light posts. As for the venue, the historic town square will do nicely, we'll just put the traffic posts there.. The cobblestones might make the ball bounce weirdly, but any basketball players need not worry about what the stones will do to their "Precious air Jordans". Instead of those shoes, I recommend wearing traditional Estonian clogs, which are somewhat comfortable, don't worry. Score will be kept by a scoreboard I "borrowed" from the gymnasium in South Tallinn Secondary School, in fact, it will do the job nicely... however, on the scoreboard they have "provided" us, the Estonian National Team will be rendered as "Eagles" and any other teams will be "visitor", but surely the players will not mind. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Diving and Swimming[edit | edit source]
| “ | Swimming can be done in the local sea; we can use fish repellent to avoid sharks, with toxic results. Not to worry, it's not like we actually have any sharks in these waters. Nobody bothers to come. Now some have raised concerns about the sea's average temperature, but there is no need to worry. My advisors assure me that is is perfectly normal for Olympic swimmers to swim in 43°F water. If not, we can use the leftover foam from my factory[2] and make the swimmers nice and warm. As for borders, well, we can use the nets from the football goals and we can go to the dump to find some styrofoam. There is no need for concern, Once we paint them, they will look good. If arrangements cannot be made in the Bay of Finland, we can host the whole thing in our local pond or pool, I'll have to see if we can. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Cycling[edit | edit source]
| “ | Cycling we can hold in our local bike roads. Surely the mayor can give us a green light. If not, we will have to cancel cycling entirely. Or, on the other hand, we can hold it on the main road. As long as the peasants are notified of the olympics' existence, there could be no problems with that. But there will have to be some sort of way to take away their pitchforks, or there will be no winner! [Anxious laughter from CEO] | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Sailing[edit | edit source]
| “ | We Estonians have much experience here, Tallinn was proud to host the sailing events in the 1980 [Summer Olympic] Games. As such, we are equipped with a marina built to 1980 Olympic standards. Since then, the marina has fallen slightly into disrepair, but we have no money alloted to fix it, nor the money to remove the asbestos used in its manufacture, but I believe we will soon. A very nice man from the Nigerian Olympic Committee has agreed to finance the whole matter once we send him the 1,000 kroons alloted to us so he can retrieve the money he inherited from his deceased father, who's supposedly some kind of prince. He will then send us a whopping 4.7 million kroons! What a great day this is for Estonia! | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Other Events[edit | edit source]
| “ | We have found a venue for table tennis, but we also might need to pull a couple strings to get it. You see, uh, there's an abandoned recreational center at the corner of Vuti and Tedre[3] [streets] that has a perfectly fine pool table. Well, it is missing a leg, but I have a couple phonebooks that could turn that pool table from "broken" to "almost not wobbly".
Archery at the 2020 Olympics hosted by Tallinn is sure to be a great deal of fun! In fact, according to a recent survey from Estonia Life Magazine[4] the bow and arrow is the number one way of obtaining food in Estonia, and 64% of Estonians have one in their possession. On the other hand, despite the significance of Archery in Estonian culture, there is no "venue" for archery in Tallinn, nor do we have enough money to build one. No need to worry, there are quasi-picturesque knolls on the outskirts of Tallinn where the William Tell-wannabes can fire arrows into targets I will personally construct from driftwood and rust-tinged Coca Cola signs. Of course, since the Summer Olympics will fall well within what us Estonians know as "Mud Season", there might be a problem if the archers' shoes get stuck in thigh-deep mud, but there is no need to worry. I'll think of something. The 2020 Tallinn Olympics will be the first to feature the national sport of Estonia-Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)- as an Olympic event. In fact, Estonia is a two-time winner of the European Union's Sadness-Off! Our athletes have been training hard for this event, so we can defeat our bitter rivals the Finnish now that the Lithuanians have been disqualified[5]! Damn Finns and their Damn Nokias... |
” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Safety and Security[edit | edit source]
| “ | I'm not a big fan of event security. It costs too much. What I would rather go for is a couple of old school tin cans that read "Campbell's Crook Souffle". I saw it on this episode of Candid Camera Takes Estonia [6] and that always got the crooks every time. Ever since, I've used it for all security at my factory. I don't know how everyone else has it, but the tin can kick really scares Estonian thieves away. And I doubt there will be any assassination attempts, because there really isn't anyone to assassinate. In other terms, I have already acquired a 3-man team of security officials, namely my child, my wife, and myself. No need to worry, we bought this tape "Hip Hop Abs" and it asserts we will be in good enough shape for any and all security. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Opening Show and Finale[edit | edit source]
| “ | As an opening show, we will add lots and lots of flying things, such as water, fire through flamethrowers and probably even a few explosions. In fact, since we cannot retrofit the stadium, there will probably be lots of explosions. I will make sure that all explosions are extremely damaging, and/or explosive. I will take the field along with a crack team I will assemble and do a choreographed 7-minute retelling of the history of Estonia. We might even have a number of celebrities in attendance! I have sent letters by pigeon to all past Estonian Eurovision entrants. As they all live out of the country now, I have not received any replies yet, but no need to worry. I am sure to receive enthusiastic responses. The national anthem will be lip-synced by my child. The show will air at noon, because we cannot afford lighting. For catering, I will cook some bread crumbs, with salt. I hope you find that to be an amazing meal. It is also our national meal, that and yogurt with pepper, although I doubt you will like that. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Summary[edit | edit source]
| “ | I'm surely certain that you will pick Estonia for the 2020 Summer Olympics. Or Winter Olympics. Our weather is always room temperature[7], so I doubt there will be any complications. We have everything under control. Thank you for bothering with Estonia, and I hope you will pick us for the games. | ” |
— EOK, CEO of EOK
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Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Due to a clerical error, the Estonian Olympics are being coordinated by the CEO of KärdlaFoam, an insulation and foam company from Kärdla, Estonia.
- ↑ see above footnote
- ↑ Further investigation has revealed that there is no "abandoned recreational center" anywhere near this street corner. In reality, this area is well within a residential zone of Tallinn.
- ↑ This magazine only existed from 1935-6, and the study he is referring to is likely not accurate anymore. This can not be confirmed, however, because the survey he cited was the last survey of any kind conducted in Estonia.
- ↑ Though traditionally very good at this particular sport, the Lithuanians were found to be using the banned substance calculus to conjure sadness.
- ↑ This show, notorious for its low production values, was a critically acclaimed midseason replacement which beat out dead air to be the number one program in Estonia for the 2 episodes it aired.
- ↑ As most Estonians do not use air conditioning, average yearly temperatures in Tallinn are 47°F, both indoors and out.