Baptise

Baptise is what an ordained Minister or Catholic Priest does to scare the Hell out of potential Christians, bending them to the will of their church, and maybe God.

Summary

In the Christian Mythos, there was a man named Jesus. He insisted that all men under the age of 35 be "baptised", an intensly painful, humiliating experience meant to fill their hearts with dread, and their minds with Him. Village women would stretch out the foreskin of a baptisee to create a table cloth, on which a light lunch is set. This custom has evolved over eons. Today they are ritually drowned in the River Jordan (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), sealed up in a cave, and those touched by Christ rise from the dead after three days.

Origin

The custom of stretching foreskins harks back to the early Bronze Age, when nomadic peoples would get togther after a harvest, pillage the local populace, and sacrifice rare "unsoiled goats" (ie goats which had never been violated by a shepard). Women were considered ineligible due to their lack of a foreskin.

Archeological digs in the Middle East have produced evidence of experimental baptisms performed on women, substituting nipples and other sensitive body parts. These horrible disfigurations are depicted on a cave in Au Naturel, France.

Baptismal Fonts

Baptismal Whitespace code with syntax highlighting. This code stretches the foreskin.

With the advent of the UTF-8 standard, the Roman Catholic and most Orthodox churches adopted a uniform font for the purpose of baptism. The choice of Whitespace as a programming language to build baptismal compilers is obvious, given the purpose of all religion is to obfuscate and confuse it's adherants.

Baptism In An Enlightened Age

When it was discovered that the decibel level of a screaming man being baptised caused hearing loss, ear protectors and safety glasses came into vogue. All the young Priests and Ministers are wearing them these days.

The alternative to this procedure is Baptism 2.0, although some critics state it runs on an inferior operating system. In this procedure involves submerging a person under water and keeping them under a body of water until they nearly drown. The baptisee is only let up for air so the baptist can troll or shout at them untill the ritual is finished. Although this action is said to be done with the intent of making the victim, ...err participant clean he/she at no point uses soap while undergoing a baptism thus making the cleaning process ineffective.