Jewish Dietary Laws

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“In Soviet Israel, kosher eats JEW!”

~ Israeli reversal

“Writing it down is one thing – practising it is fundamentally tricky.”

~ Moses on stenography

“Thou shalt eat bacon.”

~ a baconeatingatheistjew

The set of laws laid down by Moses in Biblical times, just because he felt like it ... or maybe it was Abraham Lincoln, I can never remember. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Solomon. And it certainly wasn't Ezekiel ...

Although they also refer to the Old Testament for their laws, Christians were exempted from the Jewish dietary laws when Jesus declared they "just aren't kosher". (Judas 10:17)

Levels of adherence[edit | edit source]

If you thought all Jews look ... er, cook alike, well you would be only half right. When it comes to ingesting large amounts of inappropriate food products, each division of the Jewdom has its own take on this tricky culinary subject.

Conservative Judaism[edit | edit source]

Braille matzo that happens to have the Jewish DNA encoded on it. Only Jews would therefore be able to eat this. Gentiles, don't eat it. JUST DON'T.

Conservative Jews, or those who are moderately Jewish and practice Conversational Judaism, are glad to keep kosher under the following circumstances:

  • It's convenient
  • They like the taste
  • They don't have a hair appointment that day
  • They're not on vacation
  • They're wearing blue
  • It's Tuesday (before sunset)

Reform Judaism[edit | edit source]

See also: Hanukkah Ham (Video on YouTube)

But Reform Jews, or those who practice, practice, practice but still can't get it right, feel that it's okay to munch on some sand now and again. And pork is okay if the pig is circumcised, because whatdya gonna do? Insult the host at a business function? When ya gotta schmooze, ya gotta schmooze. Gimme a friggin' break.

Renewal Judaism[edit | edit source]

Breathe. One. Two. Three. Breathe deeply. One two three. Now eat just enough to satisfy your cravings. You're done. Shabbat shalom.

Humanistic Judaism[edit | edit source]

Oy. You're kidding, right? You don't believe in keeping kosher, not even during Passover? G‑d forbid someone should mention "the Almighty" as if it were a dirty word or a cult apparition. If "the man upstairs" didn't create you, who did Mr. Smarty Pants? Ohhh, so I guess it's okay to mention him if it involves food.

Anarchist Judaism[edit | edit source]

If you become vegan you have no choice but to keep kosher. It's impossible for a vegan to eat traif. Torah said so.

Carlebach Judaism[edit | edit source]

Gevalt, it's mamesh such a beautiful holy thing when we consume kosher marijuana with our Manischewitz wine. It's like the story of Reb Moishe the Dealer, [breaking into song] oy yoy yoy he was so holy ...

Why Sephardim are superior to Ashkenasim[edit | edit source]

Sephardic butchers take pride in knowing how to draw the sciatic nerve from an animal's carcass so all Sephardim can enjoy a nice rump steak. Most of the surviving Ashkenasim, on the other hand, arrived destitute in New York where they couldn't afford a proper butcher and were obliged to avoid the problem by eating only the front bit of the carcass, the arse-ends being the inspiration for McDonald's. However, while this precept enabled Sephardim to indulge themselves with superior status for so long as they could, it was later to give Reform Ashkenasim the upper hand, when they discovered that they could enjoy eating rump steak enhanced with the joy of additional guilt.