Circumcision
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“The reason that Jewish men are circumcised is because Jewish women like having 10% off of everything.”
“We don’t get paid, we just keep the tips.”
“Don't worry; it grows back!”
“I like to call it ‘opening the snake’s one eye’.”
Circumcision is the ancient and currently diminishing practice of removing the protective epidermal shielding from the highly sensitive naughty bits of an unsuspecting human with a rusty Swiss army knife and a dab of after-shave. Unfortunately, this cosmetic surgical procedure has totally failed to cure the horrific epidemic of teenage wanking in the United States, due to the wide availability of affordable lubricants. Circumcision amongst modern Muslims and Jews happens to be much more effective in this regard, which in turn leads to increased levels of aggravation and open warfare. In fact, scientists at the University of Oxford have traced ongoing conflict in the Middle East to the high numbers of denuded penises in the region.
Circumcision has become so much in demand that an entire industry has popped up for it. Professionals who mutilate foreskin for a living (saving them for future arts and crafts projects) are lovingly referred to as Mohels. Mohels live almost entirely in the USA. They are like vampires, in that both suck the blood of their victims. But more precisely, they are like drunk pedophile vampires, e.g. Jeffrey Dahmer.
Pros and cons[edit | edit source]
The plus side[edit | edit source]
Medically speaking, circumcision is a good idea if you intend to infect yourself with crabs by having unprotected sex, at a slightly lower rate. The reason for this wondrous effect is mostly because your penis is suddenly rendered much smaller, and so the lice have less surface area to bite on. Similarly, instead of a 1 in 999 lifetime chance of contracting penile cancer, with circumcision, you now have a 1 in 1000 reduced lifetime chance.
If you are a baby and somehow survived the very bloody, mutilating and often lethal procedure, your chances of being molested by anonymous caretakers is reduced from a factor of 1 in 200 to 1 in 500. Again, this effect is primarily due to the overall reduction of surface area.
Also, when a baby has the most sensitive part of his wiener chopped off, he is put to the horrors of a world where young men are forced to fight the good fight for Jesus abroad, instead of being allowed to stay at home huffing kittens and playing video games all day long.
Statistically, circumcision increases the frequency of terrorism.
The minus side[edit | edit source]
The biggest disadvantage of circumcision is that you essentially can't spank the meat with wild abandon, unless you have enormous quantities of soothing lotion at hand. Or mayo. Or peanut butter.[1] Essentially, your dick is at serious risk of turning into a glowing red rod of hot searing pain. Plus, you have an increased chance of suffering from skin lesions, disfiguring scars, second-degree friction burns, immature ejaculation, death threats from the anti-circumcision organization NORM and erectile malfunction, becoming fairly useless to women. You also have 99 in 100 chances of becoming bullied and called names by your intact peers in the locker room. So you'd better get used to be called pet names like "kike" or "raghead". Jews for Jesus and Jews not against circumcision are both funded by Baptists! The baby boys complain, even when they grow up. Mazel Tov!
Jews do complain about being circumcised against their will. Not only 14+ million Jews, but grown American men who were circumcised as babies complain as well. The foreskin is a benefit for both the man and his bed partner. Circumcised people are just as sexually active and engage in lots of unprotected sex. Circumcised people don't complain any more than the general population until they discover later in life that uncircumcised guys don't have to buy lube.
However, it's not like Barbara Kay[1], Neil Pollock[2] or Brian Morris[3] would actually care about this.
Top ten reasons for male circumcision's remaining legal in the United States[edit | edit source]
- 10: Blackmarket foreskin sales are responsible for 67.3% of the the USA's GDP.
- 9: Outlawing circumcision in the US would mean that all male politicians over the age of 40 would have to come to terms with not possessing a real penis, but instead a mutilated chunk of flesh resembling a dehydrated prune.
- 8: Circumcision allows obstetricians to charge shitloads of money in tax-shielded fees, introducing the typical young male American to a lifetime of being ripped off without asking. Literally.
- 7: 89% of lawyers have sadistic and/or masochistic tendencies. It's a fact.
- 6: Sharks don't have eyelids. This isn't necessarily related, but it's interesting, isn't it?
- 5: Nobody likes a whiner.
- 4: It is funny-looking. Shouldn't that be enough.
- 3: The little-known tenth-and-a-halfth amendment to the Constitution, stating that "The right of medical doctors or Jewish rabbis to permanently mangle the genitalia of an infant shall not be infringed upon."
- 2: Leftover cultural influence from the Wang Wars of the 1670s.
- 1: The first reason is nearly as complicated as the entire Xenosaga series. Just know that it has something to do with God, aliens and sexy female droids with knives on their hands.
History[edit | edit source]
Ancient[edit | edit source]
Renegade Ancient Aliens are responsible for inventing the blight of circumcision in 4003 BCE. They unilaterally imposed circumcision upon Adam at gunpoint in a desperate attempt to stop him from engaging in nonstop masturbation marathons, so that Adam would have more free time to pay attention to them already. Unfortunately the aliens entirely forgot about those who are female, and thus completely immune to the effects of genital hygiene. Thus, thanks to the advent of all-girl slumber parties in slasher flicks, the rate of masturbation was soon back to previous levels and the stalemate continued until the battle of Verkatnippen in 1944.
Circumcision was first widely practiced by some lunatic who decided that instead of a cool tattoo or maybe even a scar across your eyebrow to make everyone know you're kind of badass, they had to damage the single best part about being a man, because being a man isn't plagued with periods or emotional outbursts or shooting out seven-pound larva from small holes, they had to even the odds.
In 4 BCE, after the Baby Jesus was circumcised, His first words were "Damn, my parents really hate my penis!"[2]
Not-so-ancient[edit | edit source]
Many centuries later, the Pottsylvanian count Vlad the Amputator personally circumcised the entire male population of his fiefdom, just for the hell of it. What a weirdo.
Alternative theories[edit | edit source]
While engaging in a ritual of early autoerotic asphyxiation, Abraham accidentally ensnared his penis in the noose, which resulted in a horrible injury. Because he didn't want his five hundred wives to know he was "spilling his seed" instead of herding the goats, He spoke, "The LORD sayeth that you do this because he sayeth it." And so they did. One day, after religion has died out, it is speculated that the ritual may continue and nobody will have any idea what it is, but they will just keep doing it because their fathers did it.
Mushroom fetish[edit | edit source]
In the garden of Eden, Eve began eating shrooms, and soon grew strongly attracted to their hallucinogenic effects. She stopped having sex with Adam, and as one last attempt to win back her love, he cut his penis to resemble a mushroom. It worked, except that she soon began eating apples.
Post-industrial[edit | edit source]
When the orthodox rabbi Lemuel Skroob was recently asked why Jews are routinely circumcised so soon after birth he reportedly said, "Because they can't run away."
Hilarity[edit | edit source]
A bris is a top-secret yet fun to observe Jewish ritual involving knives, male babies, their boy parts and red meat served with a nice side dish. The bris is one of the few times when the phrase Mazel Tov – meaning "God forbid someone would want you bad luck" – makes real sense. The Bris is performed as reminder of the covenant made between a Jew who had been had been drinking too much and his Vision. While the vision asked for the man's change purse, the man refused to part with one red cent and instead he offered up his son's foreskin to placate the vision. In the centuries since, a circumcised penis is a reminder to every Jewish male that this, this is what happens young man when you drink too much.
When a new male Jew is born, his parents – who obviously have no sense of empathy – plan a party. During a bris, the adults gather round to watch a famous celebrity named Dick Snipper sing and breakdance. Occasionally, Dick has been quoted as saying, "Whoops!" but that's rare. At least, I think it is. During the entertainment, back up vocals and choreography are provided by Lynyrd Skynyrd. There's lots of alcohol. That is, the adults get to drink. The poor kid, of course, is out of luck. And there's lots of food. Oddly enough, there are also lots of garbanzo beans. Go figure. Try to avoid the kreplach, it tastes like dirt.
Very rarely, the mohel is known to be nearsighted, and in the ensuing panic, it is discovered that the man has snipped an extra two inches off the child's member (or three, if he's Steven Spielberg's son). The sadistic parents are then forced to change the boy's name from Moshe to Estelle, depending on how Kosher the parents have become through years of lobster and bacon consumption.
It is a gathering religious convent where a small Jewish baby boy is circumcised. The process of circumcision takes about 15 long gruelling blood-soaked hours to remove the foreskin from the hysterically-struggling kid. Also, the glans change skin-tone color during the bris because a fused membrane has been violently torn off the head many years prematurely. Afterwards, Jewish religion and law requires a teardrop of blood from the tip of baby's penis to be a convent and to be forever connected to their mother, father, and the rest of his family. A symbolic circumcision may be performed by taking a pinprick of blood from the tip of the penis.
“Ah the bliss of a bris, when they all stand and toast, to admire your penis. When I was eight days old, I was loved when I was to be circumcised as part of a sacred ritual called bris milah.”
– Abraham
Better yet, a Bris is a penis party where Jewish people come to basically admire the sexual assault-by-knife of an infant in the name of a bloodthirsty god!
