Also known as Bling!, Jewry is the primary method by which animals display social status to one another, generally via accessories that can be worn. The multifaceted impact of jewry has included jealousy, disappointment, cat burglars, larger police forces, egomania and the spectacular success of Crackerjack boxes in North America.
Jewry has come a long way since the first jewrer, a slave in ancient Egypt, thought one rock was prettier than the rest. As the story goes, his throwing some of the other stones at fellow slaves brought on a strong interest in what he was hoarding; another slave murdered him, took the pretty rock and his social standing, and thereby perpetrated the first known case of Identity Theft.
Present-day jewry is now a major televised contest, much like Iron Chef, in which jewrers from around the world challenge one another with different materials, methods and genres.
Jewry has had an inestimable effect upon history. From the Trojans who thought the nice wooden equine outside their walls would make a neat accessory to one of their temples to the terrorists who hated two jewry buildings in New York so much they had to destroy them, the shadow of jewry has been there.
- Certain slaves participated in an exodus from cruel Egypt, and erected a temple to God the Baptist on their new home of the Solomon Islands. The chief architect and the man who did all the fancy work on the pillars, Hiram Abiff, goes down in history as the first professional jewrer. Jealousy began immediately: the temple was razed and looted by enemies of Jerusalem, and Freemasons unwittingly created.
- The Crusades were an international Western solidarity movement by union leaders, seeking to liberate all Arab jewry and redistribute it amongst the proletariat. As Middle Eastern management forces were very strong, the West was not that successful. Much pillaged jewry, however, did end up in Vatican basements.
- Christopher Columbus sought a new route to Eastern jewry by sailing while on acid west in 1492. Cortez followed along a bit later, looking to easy-swipe some Aztec jewry.
- The most significant jewrer in modern times, Paris Hilton, has all but revolutionized the industry with her ultra-practical canine handbags, horse earrings, and brooches for budgerigars.
In the late 1940s world economists accused jewrers of monopolizing their trade and keeping prices artificially high. They called this practice Jewrymandering, and cases were slowly brought to international court. Although no evidence of such a conspiracy was ever produced, jewrers reacted snarkily and formed the perfectly legal organization of a guild. Golda Meir was the first President of the Jewrymanderers Guild, from 1969 - 1974. During her presidency Operation Wrath of God was carried out: the guild started a world war with automobile manufacturers over which presented social status best.
Recent President Ariel Sharon was attempting to achieve a peace process, but became incapacitated from mercury poisoning.
Types of Jewry
For the serious student of jewrology, what constitutes jewry and what does not can often be a difficult issue. For example:
Yes, Jewry / No, Not Jewry
- Headdress / Hat
- Piglet Pendant / Piglet
- Hope Diamond / Bob Hope
- Mood Ring/ Mood Change
- Elvis Locket / Elvis Sweat
- Swagger Stick / The Club
- Presidential Seal Cufflinks / Baby Seal that choked on Cufflinks
The Great Debate
Philosophers have long debated the nature of jewry. Is it a wave or a particle? Indicative of showmanship or gamesmanship? Just a damn distracting nuisance? No definitive answer has been reached, of course; the nature of philosophers, like rat exterminators, is not to solve problems but rather to carry on the impression of a great battle between man and idea.
Professional jewrologists at the Second International concluded that Mr. T's chesthair did constitute jewry, but the feathers in the Kaiserine's hat did not. In the most famously controversial Jewrological Court case, Faberge and Cartier ruled two-to-one against Tiffany that the '...On A Stick' pieces presented by Vlad the Impaler did qualify.
The secret apprenticeship program of the Jewrymanderers Guild traditionally takes four years, to coincide with the World Cup, and involves being frequently shouted at. Apprentices are shown:
- precise selection of ingredients
- proper operation of the mixing equipment
- correct order of combining components
- how to use power tools in an emergency
- basics of electricity
- introduction to the jewrer's glass
In 1984 the Jewrymanderers Guild consolidated all operations on Jewry Street in Manchester, England, and since that time all jewry manufacture has been located solely there.
A designated UNESCO world heritage site and popular tourist destination, non-manufacturing sections of Jewry Street are open to the public from 9AM - 4:30 PM, Monday through Saturday. Schoolchildren often take field trips to Jewry Street and are treated to the sight of Blingy Mouse, the official mascot. The IRA did plan to bomb Jewry Street in 1982, but Gerry Adams, unwilling to give up his gem-encrusted glasses-frames and brass knuckles, could not issue the final order in good conscience.
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