JewOS
“If you had a penny before, you don't now.”
JewOS, or as it was commonly known as "the operating system promised to us 3,000 years ago," was a system developed by a certain religious group approximately 2,000 years ago in order to avoid having to pay for any other OS. Also because Linux was too complicated.
History[edit | edit source]
In the beginning...[edit | edit source]
| “ | There was money (ours) which was stolen (by you). | ” |
JewOS was developed by a circle of rabbis in order to procure back what was promised to them so many years ago. First proposed by rabbi Ben Dover Shamelekemennah in the year 190 AD, it was then considerd by a council and then the idea was sent over to the development circle for construction and testing. The developers were left broke and penniless in a short time, which was described as an "overwhelming success" by the council and the nearby Jewish bank.
First Deployment[edit | edit source]
As the years went by, the council soon realized they were losing money to themselves, and decided to market JewOS as an alternative to the OS's already out there such as TempleOS, BibleOS, and JesOS, all of which had seen great success throughout the ancient world. The first deployment outside of rabbi Rickymennic's Mom's basement was in the city of Rome, but it was quickly decried as malware by the Roman authorities and banned from the internet in general, which was ironic since the original code was stolen line for line from an Assyrian malware virus designed to steal money and do nothing else (But the code, the code! It... was promised to us-!").
Consumer Reaction[edit | edit source]
It goes without saying that the majority of Jews were delighted by this new system and rapidly began assimilating it into their "business practices" in order to begin generating some extra moolah on the side. "Moses never directly said anything about usury, and surely he would not mind some extra money from JewOS!" The non-Jew however was not likely to rate it more than 2 stars as a result of them discovering IT was the culprit behind all those $8.99 credit card charges and NOT their crippling Starbucks addiction. About 6 million or so people were users of JewOS by about the year 1940, but were soon required to use HeilOS by a certain fanatical madman during a time of great strife. This brought the user base crashing down, and it hasn't quite recovered since.
Further Development[edit | edit source]
Addition Things[edit | edit source]
After noticing the great success of Microsoft Edge, the council decided that they too should create a browser in order to compete with the big companies AND to make it easier to steal credit card information. The result of these efforts was dubbed "RabbiT," or "Fetch-ua." Unfortunately these were poorly made clones of edge themselves, and were therefore never used by anyone.
There was also a time when an antivirus was being made, but it was a failure as it continually would target the OS itself due to its origins as a piece of malware. After the frustrating uninstallation of the OS several times on the head Rabbi's personal gaming computer, the project was scrapped.
It was then twisted up and around to become a sort of military strategy system in the 2000s, and with the rise of AI, it became an important asset for them in their "home" of Israel. This AI version was placed in command of the entire army, and as a result of its malware roots, (good grief), it decided to go to war with all of its neighbors in order to steal their money for itself.
HowTo: Use JewOS[edit | edit source]
- Pull up your internet browser (you will be punished for this later!)
- Search up "Jewish operating system, not free"
- Make sure to select the financing option for 112 years at 50" APR with $3,000 down!!! (important!!!)
- Click install-ah
- Open the install rabbi (not the wizard! we are not sinners like them!)
- Donate some more money to make sure the install works
- Link credit card and bank account
- Authorize JewOS to create transactions on your behalf
- Submit one-time payment of 10% of your net worth
- Wait 3,000 seconds for the installation
- Shalom, you are now a part of JewOS! Make sure to keep those payments coming
- NOTE: if your bank tries to say you are getting scammed, you aren't!!!!
Known Issues[edit | edit source]
JewOS, while very long running, is known to have some severe issues. Trying to access any German website or using German words is likely to cause the entire system to malfunction, resulting in an automatic deduction of 100 shekels ( =? in USD) that is non-refundable. Attempting to do these in an Arabic language is liable to have similar results, although the chance of your computer or device exploding is extremely high as well in this case. Looking up "gas stations" or attempting to googl--I mean Joo-gle how to put gas in your car will likely lock up the system and cause it to crash. Also having any sort of debt has been reported to cause frequent frame drops in unusual places.
Much like China and Taiwan, one must not search up asking if Palestine is a country, as this will immediately broadcast your IP to the public.
As for simply trying to use JewOS while not being a Jew...
