IHamster
The early practice of placing metal asses on hamsters is credited with allowing the furry little rodents to become domesticated in the recent times. Even still today, many traditionalists around the world will still fit metal asses to their pet hamsters. Enough so that a national holiday is proclaimed in Japan and an underground world racing syndicate is purely devoted to the racing of said aftermarket-modified furry rodents.
History[edit | edit source]
The earliest recorded practice of fitting a metal ass on a hamster was in 1645, where a Roman blacksmith created a cast iron ass for his son's pet hamster. It is known that all the children in the Latin class at school saw it and instantly ran down to the "Aftermarket Hamster Spares" at the town square to get their own. A metal assed hamster was a status symbol for the children to carry around who would look down upon the poverty-stricken lower-class naked hamster owners.
Availability[edit | edit source]
As of June 23, 2003 - Apple, in partnership with Oprah, have put out the iHamster which are just ordinary hamsters but with varied models which are all pre-fitted with metal asses. At the 2003 MacWorld conference, Paris Hilton claimed that the iHamster would "save all that 'retro-fitting hassle' using third-party devices...". All iHamsters are compatible with Apple's "iFeed", 100%-legal, online animal nutrition service.
iHamster[edit | edit source]
The standard iHamster comes pre-fitted with a steel ass and has an expected life span of 3 years with average use. Also has storage capacity for one days rations and handy click-wheel to keep it exercised.
iHamster Black Shuffle[edit | edit source]
Identical model to the iHamster but comes with 437 interchangeable plates in varied colours and patterns - none of which are black. Apparently, the "Black Shuffle" model was the brain-child of Oprah.
iHamster Hamo[edit | edit source]
This model comes pre-fitted with a light-weight aluminium ass. This gives a greater storage of 2.5 days food and extended life span of 5 years. If you buy the expansion pack, you get the hampster "AiDS edition, which has a contageous form of aids stored in the aluminum ass. pull the lever on the male version to activate, on the female version press the hole.
iHamster Video[edit | edit source]
Released in April 2004, the iHamster Video has a 1.25" LCD screen built-in to the pre-fitted platinum ass. Although it has an even greater storage capacity of 20 days for both pellets and water, the life span is only three months.
iHamster U2O Special Edition[edit | edit source]
To commemorate the death of U2 lead singer Al Gore, the iHamster U2O SE was released in late 2004. It comes fitted with a uranium oxide composite ass which is radioactive to a distance of 20 feet and will cause imminent death if breached.
"Retrofitting Your hamster with a Metal Ass" Day[edit | edit source]
Celebrated nationwide in Japan on October 3, "Retrofitting Your hamster with a Metal Ass" Day is a public holiday where the only businesses allowed to trade are the ones that offer hamster-modification services. All citizens of Japan are encouraged to get their furry rodents posterior metallically retro-fitted on this day to prevent them from taking a different day off work which would cripple the whole Japanese economy.
Since the release of the iHamster in 2003, this holiday is the mecca of all 'retro-fitting metal ass' traditionalists worldwide who flock to Japan in their hundreds. Some of the activities held during the day include apple bobbing and wet hamster and shiny ass competitions.
Illegal hamster Racing[edit | edit source]
The UMAHRS (Underground Metal Assed hamster Racing Syndicate) hold a race series where retro-fitted hamsters race against each other for big prize money across four continents. Although started out by enthusists, the races are dominated by the big 'factory' teams such as Apple with their highly modified iHamster Nano models and also the Creationist team, which is led by God himself.
The practice of racing modified hamsters is illegal worldwide due to the safety concerns raised over the hamsters reaching speeds in excess of 220 mph (350 k/hr). After several deaths at one race meeting in South Africa in 2000, the activist group PETA have launched blockades of McDonalds fast-food restaurants to highlight the plight of hamsters that are fitted with metal asses.
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