iEye™
The Apple™ iEye™ (no longer iBall® or iCaptain®) is a bionic visual data management system device produced by Apple Computers™ around Christmas time. It is used to record, store and play back visual information, as well as to enhance the sense of sight beyond the capabilities of the primitive human eye.
Installation
Installation of an iEye™ requires highly invasive surgery, performed under iAnaesthetic™ by an Apple-approved iSurgeon™. The user's human eye is ejected, and an interface is grafted onto the stem of the optic nerve. This interface allows for future upgrading of the iEye™ itself. A latest-version iEye™ is then attached to the interface and both are plugged into the eye socket. Post-operative pain is minimal, and iDrugs™ are over-the-counter.
Features
Hi-res
The iEye™ contains a high-resolution 16 megapixel charged-couple device (CCD) similar to those found in a digital camera. This is capable of producing an image of up to twenty times higher resolution than the average "20/20 vision" human eye.
Zoom
The iEye™ has a 3x optical zoom and a 4x digital zoom, which integrate seamlessly to read text up to ten kilometers away. The zoom function is fully automatic, i.e. activated by simply squinting.
Tagging
The iEye™ comes with a Facebook-style friend tagger which labels faces and domestic pets with Facebook accounts. Info such as marital status and which bands they like flash next to their bodies as they approach you. When two iEye™ users simultaneously tag each other, iMatch® algorithms profile their compatibility and advise to run away or not. The service is competitively priced, and users who prefer the free lite version only need endure commercials playing in the top right corner of their field of vision, whenever they're awake.
Recording
The iEye™ enables users to record visual data, which can be stored on the iEye's™ internal 1-terabyte hard drive (via iClouding™), encoded, and then uploaded to iSights.com™ (Apple's™ revolutionary new website where users can share their favourite sights with friends and strangers around the world). If sharing your status every minute on Facebook and Twitter is not enough, you can stream every waking second of your life online for your adoring followers to see at iShareEverything.com™. All iSights™ recorded with the iEye™, whether uploaded to iSight.com™ or not, immediately become the copyright of AppleCorps™.
Playback
In addition to the iEye's™ recording capability, users can also watch their favourite iSights™ directly on their iEye™ in 3-D. Creative users will find iProduce™ indispensable for editing iEye™ videos by removing unwanted objects, enhancing iEye's™natural-colour filters and perhaps adding trees or maybe a beach to the background.
Availability
The iEye™ is currently available only in Japan and Romania, with a global launch anticipated in time for last Christmas. Apple™ together with Groupon are offering a special iSurgery™ service where consumers buying an iEye™ for a loved one can arrange to have the system installed by stealth while the recipient sleeps the night of Christmas Eve. The Groupon page evokes Christmas magic: "Imagine your child's delight when he/she awakes on Christmas morning to find their new iEye™ installed and ready to use!" Upgrades will be made available January–February.
See also
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Yocto - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - Euroipods - Neuroipods |
| iDevices: | iMac - iPad - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iPoop - iOwa - iRaq - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot - iCarly - iHop |
| iHardware: | iGraters - iSpell Key - MacBook - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - iLinux - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y - Mac OS Z |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - iTrip - iHack |
| iGaming: | iGrievous |
| iOthers: | Apple Store - iFraud - iCult |
